speaking

welcome back to the listening & speaking programs. in this second session we will remind ourselves of the first three levels of listening, and add the typical speech patterns for each level.

speech is an action, and every action has a reaction. when we push against something, it pushes back. speech determines our reality, and when we speak without attention or automatically, we keep reinforcing our beliefs about reality, which may be quite distorted. on the other hand, when we choose our words carefully, they can be influential, powerful, or soothing. similarly, listening is an action, much more than “hearing,” which is perception. listening to ourselves as we speak can help us be empathetic to ourselves and others. we all want to be understood, and we all sometimes need support in holding painful feelings. as we saw in the listening program, we have to grow into or cultivate this ability.

there is power in well-chosen words, and often there is equal power in silence. learning when to talk and when to listen are among the most powerful skills you can develop.

Sharon Anthony

recap: levels of listening

we saw in our first program that the levels of listening deepen as we deepen our attention. we deepen by becoming aware of our judgmental and cynical voices, and letting them go. this means that we’re able to notice what is actually happening (rather than interpreting through our typical lens). you can hear that our friend, mindfulness, is fully present in this type of listening. to deepen from not listening into reflective listening, we have to notice our judgments and let them go. we have to open our mind to the other, and accept that their view holds as much credibility as ours. to develop this into empathic listening, the heart has to open. we have to notice our cynicism, intellectualism, and defenses in order to be empathic. simply put, we have to stop thinking, and rather sense-feel what we say, noticing how we make meaning and what we’re feeling. if we encounter a response to this position (in ourselves or others) that says: “i cannot feel what you say, i can only hear it,” then this is a perfect example of cynicism. with deep listening and deep speaking embodied, and mindfulness strong, we are quite able to sense into the field of interaction — hearing, seeing, and sensing feelings.

recap: Jane and June speaking

listening and speaking, of course, go hand in hand. the more sensitive our listening becomes, the more careful our speech will be. opening our mind and heart to the other also means that our care and sensitivity for their needs will increase. the first place where we may notice this connection between self and other will be in our listening and speech. we all know how painful it is when the other says: “i understand/love you,” yet feeling that none of our feelings have really been heard or held.

what might it sound like if June heard Jane and responded carefully?

now June is hearing Jane's feelings, knowing what she might be feeling (empathy). and what if Jane really heard June's reaction, and responded carefully?

reflect for a moment on what you notice in your speech and listening when with people you love. what is your style of listening? is it the same with everyone? what and why are there differences? what do you think and feel when you are with them? what do you notice in terms of your level of listening? can you see how mindfulness forms the basis of growth, since without it we cannot notice, or pay attention?

stage 1 speaking: talking nice

you may remember that, in the first stage of listening (hearing and reacting), we are psychologically defensive, and listen/speak from behind our psychological defenses. divergent opinions are upsetting, and we are unable to allow for difference. in order to stay civil, we deflect, change the topic, ignore what the other may feel, and use other forms of dismissive speech. speech remains superficial, and when it deepens, we may become reactive. the person at this stage is typically unaware of their psychological processes and still very deeply identified with their body and their opinions. when we become aware, we begin to notice how we’re not really speaking our thinking, and how we may change the topic deliberately. at that point, “talking nice” becomes not so nice. we want deeper sharing of ideas and a sense of connection.

observable speech patterns

• speaking what others want to hear
• polite routines, empty words
• conventional patterns
• conforming, and not saying what i think
• interceptive monologues
• typical in social connection
• only perceived connection.

stage 2 speaking: talking tough

when we begin to pay full attention (engagement), we move into “talking tough.” now we can debate, and our speech is more reflective. we learn from how the other makes sense and reasons. we’re not only downloading information which we already know, but instead challenged to include diverging opinions. we are therefore engaging with the other’s thought and reasoning so that we may expand our own. we respond to the content of what the other is saying, but there is no allowing for feeling or emotion, yet. in a heated argument, we may find ourselves saying “but you’re wrong,” “that is so stupid,” “you always…,” “you never…,” “you should be doing…” when we listen to ourselves, we can hear our judgments and fears. we notice how we see the other as wrong (uninformed), and ourselves as right (informed). talking tough is very typical in a work environment, and we are able to connect around shared wanted outcomes.

observable speech patterns

• speaking from what i think (reflective)
• i am my point of view (identified)
• confronting: saying what i think
• diverting opinions reflectively included
• reflective connection (i can make sense of how you think, even when disagreeing)
• we can successfully connect around wanted outcomes.

stage 3 speaking: empathic inquiry

you may remember that in order to deepen listening into reflective listening, we have to let go of the voice of judgment (“i’m right, you’re wrong”). deepening into empathic listening adds letting go of the voice of cynicism (“i already know fully”). experientially, we’re now co-experiencing what the other is talking about, including their feelings about it. we have also become vulnerable enough to be seen by others, and can speak our own truth.

we may first experience this full psychological connection with another with our lovers. and then, even deeper, with our children. when we fully mature, it becomes available for everyone. speech is now sensitive and correct. we listen to what we think and feel, and then may speak our own view and feelings. there is deep empathy, so that the other’s needs are read easily, and speech will reflect this, in a questioning and clarifying way.

opposite to the judgmental and outcome-seeking conversation we found in talking tough, we may now hear and make statements like “i don’t understand,” “please tell me more about…,” “i feel…,” “my concern is…,” and “i see it differently.” when we own our own opinions and feelings, we create a space where others’ feelings are welcome, and we can relate with them. there is deep inquiry, and deep sharing.

it takes two to argue. i can step out of the argument by listening more deeply to you, and making more space for you. like a martial arts practitioner, i’m not pushing against your energy, but rather flowing with it. an example would be where you made a judgmental statement, for example “well, i think it is stupid to….” like water, i can yield to this little proclamation, and flow with. i can allow you to own your perspective by saying “you think it is stupid to… and you seem to feel….” this allows for turning the space into empathic inquiry. it helps me to better understand why you think it is stupid, and it creates the space for expressing why i may feel differently, without making you wrong and me right.

observable speech patterns

• speaking from seeing myself as part of the whole (including you)
• i can inquire into your point of view and reflect on your part
• vulnerable
• mental and heart connection (understanding and feeling with)
• empathic holding (aware of both your and my feelings).

practicing listening and speaking

use your everyday experiences to include conversations where you are mindfully focused on listening and speaking. take extra care with a partner, as you may want to understand them most deeply. focus on:

• the content (understanding),
• feelings (can you say what emotions they’re feeling?)
• body language and tone (listening is more than hearing words).
• stay equally aware of the changes in yourself and the other (relationship process), as well as your surroundings. if you’re new to this, and to mindfulness, start slowly and deliberately. focus on understanding first and then add the rest, one by.

listening...

• listen to understand, not to reply.
• what is the other talking about?
• do i understand?
• what motivates them?
• stay aware of our own inner responses, or inner talk.
• take a guess at what the other is feeling.
• listen with all your senses, and notice theother's body language and tone.
• stay aware of your surroundings.

... & speaking

• ask questions to clarify your understanding.
• reflect with the other to deepen understanding.
• speak the feeling changes you notice in yourself and the other, so that they also know where you're at (and feel connected).
• allow vulnerability in your speech (emotion, honesty, candor).
• stay aware of your body, face, and tone.
• know that what you say has impact.
• use your speech to sense where the other is at, and respond appropriately.
• stay aware of sensory information from your surroundings.

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