self-regulation

what is self regulation?

self-regulation is the ability to monitor and manage our behavior, emotions, and thoughts, altering them in accordance with the needs of the situation. it includes emotion regulation, executive functioning, impulse control, motivation, awareness of self-talk, and metacognition (mindfulness). or, more simply: a system of conscious, personal self-management practices that help us to stay in charge of what we think, say, and do.

… goal-directed self-imposed delay of gratification is perhaps the essence of emotional self-regulation; the ability to deny impulse in the service of a goal, whether it be building a business, solving an algebraic equation, or pursuing the Stanley Cup.​

Daniel Goleman

self-regulation stands in relation to regulation the way self-importance stands in relation to importance.​

Willem Buiter

mindfulness is regulatory

mindfulness is the first “muscle” we develop, since it also contains the mechanism that we will need in self-regulation. in mindfulness we started with regulating our attention. now we take it into thought and feeling. if you reflect on mindfulness as a skill, you will notice that it requires attention management, emotion regulation, and self-awareness. being self-aware, managing attention, and noticing emotion regulation are the components of self-regulation. in other words, self-regulation is a natural by-product of mindfulness practice.

it is helpful to watch what we do when we find things unbearable or unacceptable. do we close down or do we open up? do we feel resentful and bitter or do we soften? do we become wise or stupid? as a result of our pain do we know more about what it is to be human or less? are we more critical of our world or more generous? are we penetrated by the arrows or do we turn them into flowers?​

Pema Chödrön

back to Dan Siegel's wheel of awareness

you will remember Siegel’s awareness wheel from our program on bare attention. the object of our attention (the wheel’s spoke) now typically goes towards the reaction. we bring our attention fully to bear on it, and allow it to be present (not turning away from it). at the same time, our awareness is expanded into the details of thought, emotion, and action, not only in ourselves, but also in the other.

when we do this inner work, we will swiftly notice the strengthening of our ability. if the field of awareness is the wheel, the hub starts growing. the capacities that are becoming part of our being include receptiveness, clarity, open-hearted awareness, peace, and calm. we may lose our balance in difficult situations, but the mind is learning, and will apply that learning on the next round. as these qualities develop, our mindfulness deepens into the capacity to be aware in difficult circumstance, just like a broad hub would protect the wheel from spinning out of balance.

we shake with joy, we shake with grief. what a time they have, these two​ housed as they are in the same body.

Mary Oliver

differentiate between actual experience and mental interpretation or commentary

what does bare attention focus on? staying aware of my emotion, thought, and interpretation, without projecting this onto the person or situation. awareness scans continually to increase understanding, and speech becomes careful, inquiring into the situation to find greater clarity. if there is painful emotion involved, we’re able to name it, and able to discern its most urgent need. this need can be spoken, but has to be provided to yourself, by yourself.

let’s try an example. i’m angry because i’ve been talking with this person for a while, and they’re not listening. i know this because i’m met with defensiveness or reactiveness.

without mindfulness: i judge them verbally and probably remind them that they “never” listen (my pain is so intense that i do not see that they’re not able to fulfil my need, or i’m so scared that they will never hear me). i’ve now spoken my beliefs, or my story.

with mindfulness: what i need is to be heard. but because i can discern that this person is too upset to hear me now, i make time for us to talk about it later, when we’ve both had time to reflect on the difficulty. or i state what it is i want to be heard, and ask what it would be like for them, if they heard the same. i’m not stating what they’re doing is “wrong,” but rather what i need, accepting that i cannot demand it.

by removing the story and simply staying with the feeling (my need), i can come to know this painful experience, understand it, and know what to give to it. i do not need to rely on the other or the situation, but can determine my own intent and actions. i’ve now addressed what is happening in the moment.

• what is an actual experience?
• what is interpretation?
• how do i relate with the feeling?
• what does it tell me about what i need?
• what does acceptance or inclusion of the difficulty look like?

mind, or the mental process, becomes the object

you will remember from previous programs that mindfulness is the kind of awareness that arises when we are non-judgmentally present to our "now” experience. we are not trying to get rid of thought or emotion, but are deeply aware of their presence. at the same time, we’re aware of this body breathing, and the field of information from which it is learning. when there is anger, or strong emotion, we don’t regard it as the truth of the moment, or project it onto the other. we notice it, share it calmly if necessary, and find a way to soothe it. often, the attention to it is enough.

but what do i do if my mind is judgmental, and i can hear the judgments in my own inner commentary? our task is to notice, and what we notice cannot be wrong. it is simply there (truth). i don’t need to be judgmental about the judgment, but can simply acknowledge that it is there, and that it tells me i feel threatened by the thing i judge.

the only thing we try not to do, is to repeat our old reaction in this situation. so, even if we simply don’t do or say anything, it is already a new and different experience. if i notice this experience, i might even say it out loud, which means that it becomes a different experience for the other too. this difference in experience is what moves us into maturity. we encounter the same situation, but are able to respond, rather than react.

focus all attention on the breath coming in and out of the nostrils. don’t do anything. don’t try to control the breath or to breathe in any particular way. just observe the reality of the present moment, whatever it may be. when the breath comes in, you are just aware — now the breath is coming in. when the breath goes out, you are just aware — now the breath is going out. and when you lose focus and your mind starts wandering in memories and fantasies, just remain aware — now my mind has wandered away from the breath.​​

Yuval Harari in 21 Lessons for the 21st Century​

what am i feeling?

emotions are not thought experiences. when you say, “i feel like a hearty meal,” you are speaking your thought as if it were a feeling. the feeling would be hunger, and the emotion, anticipation. they are both physical sensations taking place in the body. we mostly feel emotions around the heart area, but they may also occur in the head, throat, shoulders, and stomach. traumatized feelings may occur as full-bodied experiences. think of being startled. the whole body reacts. the part of the brain that regulates emotion (anterior cingulate) is found next to the premotor cortex, which controls movement. think of the movements that you will notice in a dreaming person or animal. when emotion is triggered while awake or asleep, an embodied response or reaction follows. if it is a reaction, it is revelatory in terms of what the person may be experiencing, but not necessarily helpful in terms of relating, connecting, or adaptation. and if we are unable to respond, and limited to our reactions, we may experience a lot of difficulty in relationship.

• thoughts are private, emotions are public
• emotion, and thought, can cloud perception of situation
• emotions have a timeline (trigger — experience — response/reaction).

any person capable of angering you, becomes your master.

Epictetus

how do i know my emotional age?

our reactions are often based on deeply wounded emotions. and for many of us those wounds happened even before we had memory. additionally, our emotional intelligence has nothing to do with our chronological age. an old person can be as deeply immature as a child around emotions. fortunately, emotions express in very visible ways, and the visible action gives us an idea of the “age” of the emotion. when the action looks like a child’s behavior, the emotion is a child’s age. in other words, your relationship with that particular emotion has not changed since you were a child.

sulking: we’re very upset, but either unable or unwilling to explain the upset and its cause. emotionally we are fragile, and the bruised ego hurts. like a child, we have the belief or expectation that the other should just magically understand how they hurt us and make it right. we may even unconsciously use the sulking to punish them.

rage: we try to counter the pain or “insult,” by intimidating with rage. what we are revealing is a child who experienced terror and helplessness. our pain is intensely felt, and the mind tries to defend by fighting.

withdrawal and coldness: now the child goes into indifference. the feeling is ignored or dismissed. this may seem preferable, from the child’s perspective, but not from a mature perspective. from the latter, we can see that the feeling is simply repressed, which also means that we cannot learn to adapt to the emotion and its circumstance. remember that emotions are not logical, and they do not respond well to logic or reasoning. they do not want an answer or a solution, but rather the support of being with the painful experience, with an attitude of love and care. emotion does not need to be fixed, but it may want to be heard, to be consoled and nurtured, with time and attention.

• what does my reaction reveal, or look like to an unbiased observer?​
• when i look at my own behavior from a calm perspective, can i recognize the little boy or girl in my behavior?​

the more clearly you understand yourself and your emotions, the more you become a lover of what is.​

Spinoza

emotional maturity

so, what does mature emotional functioning look like in behavioral terms? firstly, emotional maturity is not a once-off attainment, but has to be found for every wounded feeling. for traumatized people this is a very difficult process, as some of the stuff we then have to confront, witness, and feel, feels overwhelming. if this is the case, we may need a therapist who is able to help us deal with the feelings and emotions. generally, when we become mature around emotions, we are able to stay calm when they appear, recognize them for what they are, and explain what they are and how they function to ourselves and the other. and the most important aspect is that we are able to overcome their egoic push or impulse. we don’t defend, hide, or attack, but rather become vulnerable. we trust that we will be able to understand, and the other is also able to understand.

emotional maturity is based on trust, open-hearted communication, and vulnerability. we do not necessarily need to change who we are, but give ourselves the freedom of not making anyone guilty for what we’re experiencing. instead, we simply observe, with no motivation other than to make better decisions about our behavior, based on what we see, hear, and feel. not our interpretations, but the actual experience.

what underlies mastery of emotion?

• paying attention to your thoughts and self-talk
• recognizing moods and their accompanying emotions
• expanding our capacity to recognize emotion (emotion granularity)
• accepting responsibility for the emotion, and soothing it
• recording experience, and learning from it, or working with a therapist or coach

the emotional reaction

trauma theory gives us a very clear picture of what happens in the traumatized or reactive mind. the amygdala (part of the limbic system in the brain) is responsible for creating a flash image of everything we need to recognize as a threat. this is the first and fastest neural pathway (0,3 seconds), and accounts for our reaction. another 0,3 seconds have to pass before we have access to our frontal cortex, where thinking and executive function are processed. so, reasoning helps us to suppress impulses, but is comparatively slow.

between stimulus and response, there is a space. in that space is our power to choose our response. in our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Viktor Frankl

in the traumatized mind, we may get caught in the amygdala hijack, which means that the painful or threatening emotion is repeating in waves, with no possibility to get reasoning involved. we are flooded with past images and feelings of despair, rage, fear, and disgust flow in waves. now you can see that the old advice of “count to ten,” may be helpful. if i can get to counting, i may be able to hold the reaction, and i may also be able to activate reasoning. if i include containment practices, such as deep breathing, i may be able to get to reasoning even more effectively.

in healing traumatized feelings, we have to notice the reaction, and find a way to hold that pain until reasoning and reflection can be brought to it.

emotional first-aid:
stay aware of your thought and emotion patterns, alerting yourself when you notice judgmental or negative talk, exaggeration, reactiveness, etc. listen for the way you are dealing with the problem. are you blaming? are you being negative? are you personalizing? look into your thoughts and ask yourself whether what you’re thinking and saying is really true. what does your language and tone say about your relationship with this problem-feeling?

focus on your breathing, and ground yourself with the attention-awareness of presence. despite your upheaval or intense feelings, the environment is still safe, and there is no direct threat to your life. there is just painful feeling, and it needs attention. your attention.

i am the cause of my emotion

the fact that our emotional reactions have particular patterns indicates they are happening within us, rather than outside us. the same conditions will trigger different emotions in different people, which means that, while our emotion may be catalyzed by circumstance, it is caused by our interpretation of that circumstance. the way we feel about things develops an unconscious reaction over time, and this reaction is often habitual and self-sabotaging. we may have needed that reaction to survive in our childhood, but now, because it gets projected onto the circumstance, it becomes self-sabotaging.

this is the nature of defense mechanisms, perfectly summarized by the phrase, “whatever protects us in childhood limits us in adulthood.” for example, i may have difficulty in making friends, and fear engaging as a result. the lack of engagement leads to lack of adaptation, and i begin to believe that it is impossible to make friends, when in fact, if i was able to take a better adapted position, i could learn how to make friends.

the only way to grow into greater emotional maturity is through being with emotion, especially the emotions we typically try to avoid. in our next program, we will look more deeply into this.

through our senses the world appears. through our reactions we create delusions. without reactions the world becomes clear.​​​

Buddha