improving communication using the Enneagram
cognitive distortions
much of our communication is not verbal, and our interpretation of communication is typically non-verbal as well. really hearing another is a blend of listening to the content of what they’re saying, noticing their body language and feelings, and being aware of our own interpretive blind spots.
as familiarity with our blind spots and cognitive distortions grows, we also become more able to separate the distortions (both our own, and those of others) from what is really being said.
sender distortions
speaking style
our speaking style refers to the overall pattern of our speech, in addition to what we talk about. we can, for instance, say something positive about what is happening for us, but deliver this message as a “whine,” which leaves the listener aware of the difference between the content and style of our message (this is referred to as incongruence). others may typically respond to our speaking style rather than our words, leaving us with a sense of “what have i said wrong?”
body language
body language includes posture, facial expressions, hand gestures, body movements, energy levels, and hundreds of other nonverbal cues. as with speaking style, we tend to respond more directly to the person’s unconscious body language than to the content of their words. if the other is alarmed and urgent in their body language, we’ll respond to this “alarm” before we respond to what is being said.
blind spots
this includes unconscious or unintentional information that we convey to other people. it is “visible” to them but remains invisible to us. these “blind spots” lead to a very strong difference between what we “say” and what we “do.” we may, for instance, want ourselves to be less angry in our expressions, but may be completely unaware of the constant catastrophizing, judgment, or sarcasm that pervades our speech.
receiver distortions
distorting filters
due to our unconscious mental models, assumptions, and experiences we tend to project our own feelings and understanding onto others. we therefore notice affirmation or disagreement in the other’s speech patterns and content when it may not really be there. when we then respond, it is from self-reference (how it is for me), rather than responding to their reference. we are typically completely unaware of this distortion, and do not realize that we see what we want to see (interpretation), rather than what is real.
improving communication
work on one behavior at a time. work sequentially with speaking style, body language, blind spots (distorted perception), and finally, distorting filters (psychological defense). doing this will sharpen your ability to move from that which is most conscious (speaking style), to that which is least conscious (distorting filters).
consciously focus your awareness when you are talking with someone and look out for signs of the behavior or pattern you are focusing on. when you notice the behavior, try to feel what you might feel if you were on the receiving end of that behavior. realize that the other does not hold your values, hopes, dreams, assumptions, etc., and might therefore interpret your behavior very differently from your intent.
refer regularly to the traits of your communication style. ask others about your blind spots or their perception of your style. what puts them off? you do not need to change a particular pattern if you don’t want to, but you can become more aware of the impact it has on others. if many agree about something that they find off-putting, you may want to consider why you do this, and whether you want to keep doing it.
learn to listen actively. learn to express yourself in terms of your feelings, and learn to listen to others as if they are expressing feelings rather than facts. mention the feeling that you are hearing or feeling, and ask whether this is what the other is experiencing. don’t try to fix the other or change their behavior. rather, listen to stand next to them in their experience. empathy can be learned and practiced.
deepen awareness by focusing on your communication style, blind spots and distortions
Enneagram type 1
speaking style
body language
blind spots
distorting filters
precise, direct, exacting, concise, detailed • share task-related thoughts • use words “should,” “ought,” “must,” “correct,” “wrong,” “excellent” • react quickly to ideas • defensive when criticized.
erect posture • taut muscles • eyes focused • body may reveal negative reaction • clothing well-coordinated and pressed.
appear critical, impatient, or angry • tenacious about their own opinions.
feeling that others are criticising them • preoccupation with their own ideas • viewing others through a “right/wrong” lens.
Enneagram type 2
speaking style
body language
blind spots
distorting filters
ask questions • give compliments • focus on content of others’ speech • few references to self • soft voice • angry or complaining when they dislike what others say.
smiling and comfortable • relaxed facial expressions • open, graceful body movement • when agitated, furrowed brow and facial tension.
a hidden intention (their need) may lie behind their generosity, helpfulness, and attention • if uninterested in the other person, disengage suddenly or dramatically.
preoccupation with whether others like them and vice versa • feeling that others want help when they may not • feeling that another wants to harm someone the type two wants to protect.
Enneagram type 3
speaking style
body language
blind spots
distorting filters
clear, efficient, logical, and well thought through • quick on their feet • avoid topics about which they have limited info • avoid topics that reflect negatively on them • use concrete examples • impatient with lengthy conversations.
look put together • appear confident • breathe deeply into chest area • keep shoulders high • actions may appear staged for effect • look around regularly to check the reactions of others • let others know when their time is up.
impatient when they perceive others as not capable • avoid discussing their own failings • appear driven • seem to rush or dismiss others • may appear abrupt or insincere.
preoccupation with whether communicated information makes them look good • feeling that the communicated information will interfere with their goals • the apparent confidence and competence of others.
Enneagram type 4
speaking style
body language
blind spots
distorting filters
use words like “i,” “me,” “my,” “mine” frequently • talk about self • discuss feelings • share personal and/or painful stories • ask personal questions.
intense • urgent • appear to be focused inward, as if analyzing own speech • communicate that they want undivided attention • eyes may appear moist or sad.
pull the conversation back to themselves • need to fully complete a conversation even when the other person no longer wants to discuss an issue • may appear overly dramatic or contrived.
feeling personally rejected • feeling demeaned, slighted, or misunderstood • feeling that they appear defective.
Enneagram type 5
speaking style
body language
blind spots
distorting filters
speak tersely or in lengthy discourse • highly selective word choice • limited sharing of personal info • share thoughts rather than feelings.
express thoughts with limited emotional content • appear self-contained and self-controlled, with unanimated body language.
may not show warmth • may appear aloof or remote • may say too much and lose listeners • may use too few words and so may not be understood by others • may appear condescending or elitist.
feeling that others have demands and expectations • feeling inadequate • perceiving others’ emotions as overwhelming • concerns about being able to trust others to keep their privacy • physical proximity that feels too close.
Enneagram type 6
speaking style
body language
blind spots
distorting filters
analyzing information and outcomes • alternating between joy and fear • hesitant speech • discuss worries, concerns, and “what if” scenarios.
eyes may be bold and direct • may appear warm, engaging, and empathic • alternatively, eyes may dart back and forth horizontally, as if scanning for danger • face shows worry • quick nonverbal reaction to perceived threat.
negative predictions appear to others as negativity, pessimism, and a “can’t do” orientation • self-doubt and worry can cause others to question their competence • no matter how hard the type six tries to mask the worry, it is still apparent.
feeling that another’s use of authority is improper • projecting thoughts and feelings onto others • feeling others cannot be trusted.
Enneagram type 7
speaking style
body language
blind spots
distorting filters
quick and spontaneous, with words released in a flurry • tell engaging stories • shift from topic to topic • upbeat and charming • avoid negative topics about themselves • reframe negative info as positive.
smiling and bright-eyed • sharp tone of voice when angry • highly animated face and numerous hand and/or arm gestures • may walk around and/or pace while speaking • easily distracted.
they may not have absorbed all the info and knowledge they believe they have mastered • failure to see that their own behavior causes others to take them less seriously • constant shifting of ideas and animated body may be distracting to others.
feeling demeaned in terms of their competence • thinking they know what the other person is going to say, so stop listening • feeling like limits are being placed on them • feeling forced into a long-term commitment they do not want.
Enneagram type 8
speaking style
body language
blind spots
distorting filters
bold and authoritative • big picture and strategic • statements designed to steer or control the situation • impatient with detail • raise the intensity of their language until they get a response from the other • may display anger directly • may use profanity or body-based humor • may say very little • blame others if they feel blamed.
have a strong physical presence, even when they are silent • modulate voice tone for maximum impact • give intense nonverbal cues.
many people (not just timid individuals) are intimidated by them • their energy is far stronger than they realize, even when they are holding back • not everyone can grasp the big picture as quickly as they can • their vulnerability may show at times when they are not aware of it.
perceived need to protect others whom the type eight believes truly need protection • perceived weakness in others • control issues • doubting the truthfulness of the other • feeling blamed.
Enneagram type 9
speaking style
body language
blind spots
distorting filters
give highly detailed info in a sequential style • make the effort to be fair and present all sides • may say “yes” when they mean “no” • use agreeing words such as “yes” and “uh-huh.”
easy-going and relaxed • smiling • few displays of strong emotion, particularly negative feelings • face more likely to be animated than body.
prolonged explanations cause the listener to lose interest • present multiple viewpoints, which negatively affects their degree of influence, and possibly their credibility • fail to make true desires known to others.
perceived demands on them to change or do something • feeling criticized, ignored, or put down • someone having an opposing view to their own • the possibility that anger from another person will be directed at them.
adapted from Ginger Lapid-Bogda (Bringing Out the Best in Yourself at Work), Don Riso and Russ Hudson (The Wisdom of the Enneagram)