nonviolent communication

my action is my possession
my action is my inheritance
my action is the womb which bears me
my action is my refuge

Anguttara Nikaya

violent communication

violent communication is communication that limits freedom, denies needs, diminishes the worthiness of the person, and blocks compassion. it often occurs in the form of manipulation, coercion, or language and tone that induces fear, shame, blame, praise, duty, obligation, punishment, or reward. it happens in speaking and listening, as well as thinking and self-talk. it happens most often through:

moralistic judgments and evaluation of others

judgments stem from a mind that consistently focuses on the opposites of “good” and “bad.” whereas value judgments express beliefs about a specific person, moralistic judgments express our beliefs about the world. value judgments and moralistic judgments are actually attempts to express our own values and needs by making ourselves right and the other wrong. the moment we do this, we create distance, and we see the other as wrong. in the place of these judgments, we can focus on bringing observation. instead of saying “John is lazy”, we can focus on the fact that John has not been to work three times this week. we see the factual truth of the situation.

thus, if my partner wants more affection than i’m giving her, she is ‘needy and dependent.’ but if i want more affection that she is giving me, then she is ‘aloof and insensitive.’

Marshall Rosenberg

comparisons

comparing ourselves to another is also a form of judgment. we're measuring aspects in ourselves with those in others, or an ideal. the measuring or evaluation itself leads to pain, because the measurer seeks to be more. it does not make sense to compare one flower with another, let alone one person with another.

denial of responsibility for our feelings, thoughts, and actions

denial of responsibility often comes in the form of attributing blame or causes onto an external source. consequently, statements like “he makes me so angry” is a denial of responsibility. in placing the blame on another, we deny the fact that our feeling is our reaction or response, and not caused by another. we can also find this form of denial in our speech where we notice “have to” language. we don’t have to get up early but choose to get up early for whatever reason. we are responsible for the choices we make, and these choices include our response to feelings.

demands or threats

demands are considered violent because they implicitly threaten blame or punishment if the person refuses or declines. even the concepts of reward and punishment are forms of demand since they stem from moralistic judgments. more subtly, compliments are also a form of violent communication, because they represent positive judgment. if someone calls you “brilliant” it becomes a judgment of who you are as a person. this often becomes a tool for manipulation, as it implies an expectation that the other keeps being “brilliant.” instead of a compliment, we can rather tell the person what they’ve done and how it made us feel. and when someone praises us, we can ask them to articulate what we did, and how it made them feel.

lack of empathy, or "fixing" behavior

we often equate sympathy with empathy, but sympathy is really the lack of empathy. in sympathy, we experience what is happening to another as happening to ourselves. the result is a reaction, often in the form of a platitude (“everything will be ok”) or trying to fix the other or the situation. when we’re sympathetic, and cannot stand our own experience as based on imagining another’s experience, we try to make it better. though we may say that we want others to feel better, it is, in fact, we who want to feel better. we make others better so that we can feel better. if you want to learn more about empathy, look through our program in the emotional intelligence section.

we are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.

Marshall Rosenberg

nonviolent communication

nonviolent communication, now also called “compassionate communication” has been the life work of Marshall Rosenberg, who has written numerous books on the subject. for Marshall, the work is driven by questions like:

• what empowers us to stay compassionate under the worst circumstance?
• how can we use language to communicate and give from the heart?

nonviolent communication is more than a language or a process. it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a space where we are most likely to get what we are seeking or needing. this space is right in the center of our own feelings and needs, and those of others. it is the place where compassion arises. when we live from this compassionate space, located in our spiritual heart, we are deeply aware of giving and receiving. giving increases the compassion and receiving increases the compassion. our giving feels like receiving and our receiving feels like giving. we are attuned with others and ourselves.

how we feel about ourselves and others is the root of all relationship. we speak and listen more through our feelings and emotions than through our words. if we want to be skillful in relationship, it is imperative to learn to tune into feelings and needs, and become sensitive to tone and body-language. as we become more deeply self-aware, this attunement goes deeper and deeper. you will find more information on self-awareness in emotional intelligence.

the application of nonviolent communication allows for all emotions, including anger. in fact, when we express our anger compassionately, it becomes discernment, and can be extremely powerful. we can’t choose or change what we feel, but we do have a choice in how we reason and speak about it, and this creates the difference between empathic understanding and relationship breakdown. consequently, it serves us well to become deeply aware of our own feelings, emotions, and needs, and to learn how to express these clearly and compassionately.

however uncomfortable a feeling is, it is not working against you. it is life. it is sacred. it is welcome here. breathe into it. dignify it with kind attention. let it live in the safety of your indestructible presence.

Jeff Foster

the process of nonviolent communication is expressed clearly in the four-part formula that underlies it:

“when i (see, hear, or notice) __________, i feel __________ because i need (what’s important to me is, what i value) ___________. would you be willing to ____________ (expression of need)?”

we are stating the concrete actions we are observing and that affect our well-being. this is followed by what we feel in relation to this observation. now we express the need behind our feelings, and finally, we request the concrete actions that will enrich our lives.

Rosenberg gives an example of a mother talking to her teenage son, providing three pieces of information (steps one to three): “Felix, when i see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, i feel irritated because I need more order in the rooms that we share in common.” she follows immediately with the fourth piece, the specific request: “would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?”

at the same time, if we are the listener, we connect with what another is observing, feeling, and needing, and then listen for their request. this becomes a flow of communication: what i'm observing, feeling, and needing; what i'm requesting to enrich my well-being; what you are observing, feeling, and needing; what you are requesting for your wellbeing, etc. it is important to note that, in real life situations, this is not the repetition of a ritual or a checklist. we can express all four parts without uttering a word. the essence of nonviolent communication is finding the four parts in our awareness and including them in our compassionate action.

as deceptively simple as the process may seem, the capacity to bring it into interaction is dependent on much practice and experience. we gradually build our ability to stay present, listen for the underlying emotion and needs, be clearly self-aware, and express ourselves compassionately.

four parts of nonviolent communication

the intent of nonviolent communication is compassion and clarity. we want to express ourselves without blaming or criticizing. this is best done in four parts:

observation

what i see, hear, or remember, free from my evaluation, that does or does not contribute to my well-being (“when i [see, hear]…”)

feelings

how i feel — an emotion or sensation rather than a thought — in relation to what i observe (“…i feel…”)

needs

what i need or value, that causes my feelings (“…because i need/value…”)

request

the concrete actions that you would like to be taken for the enrichment and well-being of the relationship (“…would you be willing to…?”).

observation

initially, we focus on what we can observe, rather than our evaluation or interpretation. we express what we can see, hear, or remember that does not contribute to our well-being. we want to state the facts, rather than our judgment or evaluation.

NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations; instead, evaluations are to be based on observations specific to time and context.

Marshall Rosenberg

Rosenberg recounts how he came across a Krishnamurti quote: “observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence,” and immediately thought this to be nonsense. that is when he noticed his own evaluation. for most of us, it is hard to be free of judgment, criticism, and analysis. here are some examples from Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.

identifying and expressing feelings

our repertoire of words for calling people names is often larger than our vocabulary of words that allow us to clearly describe our emotional states.

Marshall Rosenberg

care and mindfulness are essential to finding our “feeling.” “i feel that it isn’t right to play music so loud at night,” or “i feel, when people do something like that, it’s a personality disturbance,” are not really feelings but opinions. we may need to start our work with self-awareness, to grow our capacity to recognize and name emotions and feelings. statements like “i feel like i’m living with a wall,” is unlikely to bring your needs to the wall’s attention. pay deep attention to distinguishing feelings from thoughts and opinions. “i feel misunderstood” is an assessment of another’s level of understanding, rather than an actual feeling, which in this case may be annoyed or anxious. here are some words that we may use as an expression of “feeling,” when in fact they are not feelings:

abandoned, put down, abused, interrupted, rejected, attacked, intimidated, taken for granted, betrayed, let down, threatened, manipulated, unappreciated, bullied, misunderstood, unheard, cheated, unsupported, patronized, unwanted, pressured, used, diminished, provoked.

the practice starts with becoming aware of feelings and emotions. watching or witnessing ourselves consistently helps us to learn what we feel when our needs are satisfied, and when they are not met.

feelings we all experience

feelings like anger, resentment, bitterness, shame, and guilt are signs that we have moved into a mental space of judgment, and we’ve become disconnected from our needs and the needs of others. underlying anger are often deeper feelings such as sadness, disappointment, regret, or frustration. focusing on these feelings may help to clarify the underlying needs more accurately.

when someone gives us a negative message, we have four options on how to receive it.

1. we take it personally and react with a counterattack or self-blame
2. we fault or blame the speaker
3. we may sense into our own feelings and needs
4. we may bring to consciousness what others’ feelings and needs are as they’re currently expressed.

reflect on the difference between “you disappointed me by not coming over last night,” and “i was disappointed when you didn’t come over last night, because i wanted to talk some things over that were bothering me.” in the second example the speaker is accepting responsibility for their feeling and clarifying the need that led to the feeling.

some basic needs we all share

behind our feelings are the needs that may or may not be fulfilled. when we say “you love your work more than me,” we’re indicating that our need for intimacy or connection is not being satisfied. by not stating the need clearly, we risk having the other feel criticized. needs are not preferences. they are the resources we require in order for life and our well-being to sustain themselves. everyone has the same needs, and what differs from person to person are the strategies used to fulfill these needs. if you want to better understand your strategies, please look at our personality program in the mindfulness section. our basic needs are:

autonomy: choosing and planning the fulfillment of our dreams, goals, and values
celebration: celebrating stages of life and fulfilled dreams, and mourning losses
integrity: authenticity, creativity, meaning, self-worth
interdependence: acceptance, honesty, appreciation, love, closeness, reassurance, community, consideration, respect, contributing to the enrichment of life, support, trust, emotional safety, understanding, empathy, warmth
physical nurturance: air, food, water, rest, sexual expression, movement and exercise, shelter, protection, touch
play: fun, laughter, togetherness
spiritual communion: beauty, order, harmony, peace, inspiration

Rosenberg sees us traveling through three stages in our journey towards emotional liberation. at stage one we are slaves to emotion, believe that we are responsible for the feelings of others, and constantly strive to keep others happy. at the second stage we notice how much we’ve given up in terms of our own life to take care of the needs of others. we may, at this stage, become angry and obnoxious (“that’s your problem!”). at stage three, or emotional liberation, we respond to our own and others’ needs out of compassion, never out of guilt, obligation, or shame.

requesting

when we’ve observed and expressed our feelings and needs, we conclude with making a specific request for the concrete actions that we need for the enrichment of our well-being and this relationship. it is important to use positive language in the request. we’re asking for what can be done, not specifying what should not be done. negative requests tend to provoke resistance. if i feel the need for more connecting with my partner, it is best to state it as “spending time together,” rather than spending less time at work. and we can be specific: “spend at least one evening per week at home, with me and the children.” generally, it is very helpful to learn to think in positive terms, not only identifying what you don’t want to do/have but also what you do want to do/have.

Rosenberg believes that whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something. it may simply be an empathic connection, verbal or non-verbal acknowledgment, or even wanting honesty. yet, most of the time we are unaware of these expressions of needs, and often, when not spoken directly and clearly, they remain unmet.

asking for a reflection is another form of request. sometimes we have clarity on whether we’ve been heard, but when we don’t, it is helpful to ask another to reflect what they’ve heard. this makes it easier to see where we may be misunderstood, and to provide the necessary information. it is also sometimes helpful to request: “i would like you to tell me how you feel about what i just said, and your reasons for feeling as you do.” or sometimes we simply want to find out whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action, as in: “i’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to postpone our meeting for one week.”

expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. if our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. the process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.

Marshall Rosenberg

in conflict resolution or simple problem solving we have to completely abandon the goal of getting people to do what we want. instead, we have to focus on creating the conditions where everybody’s needs will be met. from the perspective of nonviolent communication, conflict resolution is based on:

• expressing our own needs
• sensing the needs of others, regardless of how they are expressing themselves
• checking to see whether needs are accurately perceived
• providing the empathy people need in order to hear the needs of others
• translating proposed solutions or strategies into positive action language.

receiving empathically

there are two parts to nonviolent communication. the first is expressing ourselves honestly, and the second is receiving empathically. receiving empathically is about learning how to bring the method of nonviolent communication into our listening. for Rosenberg, empathy means emptying the mind and listening with our whole being. it can only exist when we are free of preconceived ideas and judgments about others.

in spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face, that has never been before and will never come again. it demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. it demands nothing of what is past. it demands presence, responsibility; it demands you.

Martin Buber

instead of empathy, we tend to give advice, reassurance, or explanations of our own opinion. empathy requires full focus on the other person’s message. we are not required to do something, we are only required to be there fully, with the person’s experience, their feelings, and their needs.

Rosenberg lists the following table of typical responses, none of which exemplify empathy:

believing that we should make things better or fix situations prevents us from being truly present. no one needs a fix when they’re emotionally upset. the key aspect of empathy is presence; it brings more than just an intellectual understanding of the situation. empathy is being able to be with incredible pain, so that, even for a few moments, the other knows that they are understood and felt.

in the practice of nonviolent communication, it does not really matter what words others use, we are specifically listening for what their feelings, needs, and requests are. we are listening to what they are needing, rather than their thoughts about us or the situation. and just as we may request a reflection, we can now reflect back, or paraphrase what we’ve heard.

in relationship we do well to remember that the initial message is often just the tip of the iceberg. behind the expressed feelings there may be deeper unexpressed feelings. by maintaining our empathy and our attention, we can allow others to more fully explore their interior selves before seeing to their request.

we know the speaker has received adequate empathy when a) we sense a release of tension, or b) the flow of words comes to a halt.

Marshall Rosenberg

working with anger

i would suggest that killing people is too superficial. killing, hitting, blaming, hurting others — whether physically or mentally — are all superficial expressions of what is going on within us when we are angry. if we are truly angry, we would want a much more powerful way to fully express ourselves.

Marshall Rosenberg

when we think “nonviolent communication” it may seem obvious that anger would be excluded, but for Rosenberg, anger provides the opportunity to delve deeper into nonviolent communication. anger is often simply a strong reaction trying to push our experience away. we hear something that we do not want to hear, feel the need to push the information away, and therefore create rules, give a lecture on how things should be done, or blame, making something, someone, or ourselves the guilty party. we can begin to change this pattern by realizing the positive aspects of our anger:

• anger/judgment is a gift, challenging us to connect with our unmet needs
• we can realize that we are thinking in a way that is not likely to get our needs met (we are not talking about what we want but about what is wrong), and in a way that does not lead to compassionate communication or empathic understanding
• anger/judgment management means going into the feeling-experience, seeing what is going on, noticing the unmet need, and expressing that need
• anger gives the opportunity to see things in sharp focus (discernment), and can therefore also help us to be very clear, firm, and direct.

anger is like a strong signal in our interior, much like a blinking light on the dashboard of our car. it is not necessary to push the information away, or scream at the car or at ourselves. we can simply take in the available information, see what is needed, and decide how we want to respond.

anyone can become angry — that is easy. but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way, this is not easy.

Aristotle

distinguish between stimulus and cause

the first step in expressing our anger in a nonviolent way is to fully distinguish between stimulus and cause. we are never angry about what another did. we can see others’ behavior as the stimulus of our anger, but not the cause. in a culture that uses guilt as a means of controlling people, we’ve grown up to believe that we can cause anger, or any other strong feeling, and many of us were punished for “causing” it to our parents. but when we look into the cause of the anger, we see that it is finding fault that causes the anger. the cause of the anger is located in our reasoning and thinking. and it is the same for every other strong feeling.

according to Rosenberg, we have four options for receiving painful or negative messages:

1. blaming ourselves
2. blaming others
3. sensing into our own feelings and needs
4. sensing into others’ feelings and needs

anger is generated when we choose the second option. the third option allows us to tune into ourselves and realize the more subtle feelings and needs behind the anger. we connect with the aliveness of the emotion.

for example, if someone arrives late for an appointment and we need reassurance that she cares about us, we may feel hurt. if, instead, our need is to spend time purposefully and constructively, we may feel frustrated. if, on the other hand, our need is for thirty minutes of quiet solitude, we may be grateful for her tardiness and feel pleased. thus, it is not the behavior of the other person, but our own need that causes our feelings.

Marshall Rosenberg

as a fourth option to our anger, we can connect with the aliveness of the emotion in others. whether we choose to focus on our own feelings and needs, or that of others, we don’t feel anger but simply notice what is needed and ask for it, or provide it.

when we step out of the battle we see anew, with eyes unclouded by longing.

Jack Kornfield

realize the need

underneath the anger are feelings and a need that are not being met. anger is an important alarm that wakes us up to these feelings or needs. to fully express our anger depends on full consciousness of our need. Rosenberg writes: “i recommend connecting empathically with our own needs or those of others. this may take extensive practice, whereby over and over again, we consciously replace the phrase ‘i am angry because they…” with “i am angry because i am needing…’”

four steps to expressing anger

stop. breathe

the first step is literally stopping. stop talking and take a deep breath. if you need to, take another, using the time to identify the thoughts that are making you angry. this is also a good time to empathize with ourselves for the experience we’re in and the feelings we’re feeling. if we can, it is helpful to simply sit back and feel the painful feelings.

identify judgmental thought

listen to your inner commentary and the thoughts telling you how unfair or infuriating this is. any judgment is simply the expression of an unmet need. put your attention on the humanness behind the infuriating action. you can even allow yourself to explore the others’ feelings (“are you feeling…”). the more deeply we can empathize with the other, the deeper we are able to contain the storm brewing inside us, and the greater the chance that the other will be able to hear us.

connect with our needs

we can stay aware of the violent thoughts that might be arising in our mind, and we can drop our self-judgment. discern the need that is not being met in this situation.

express our feelings and unmet needs

now we express our feelings and unmet need as clearly as possible. here we need to be sensitive to the fact that the other person may find it hard to hear us. we may first need to empathize with them if we want them to hear us. the more we can empathize with what leads to their behavior, the more they will be able to connect with our needs. if they experience blame it will be harder for them to hear our pain.

it takes time and practice

if we want to live the reality of nonviolent communication, it will take time. initially we may feel awkward for deviating from our habitual patterns. if we’re earnest, we will remember the steps, or create a reminder for ourselves, and practice in every interaction where it may be necessary. if it is important to us to respond to people as we truly want to, we can make it happen. Rosenberg suggests that we practice translating our judgments into their unmet needs, so that we can become deeply aware of our own judgmental and evaluative thoughts and ask ourselves what we’re needing and not getting.

interior talk or thought: ….is so lazy
underlying need: connection or closeness
translated as need-feeling: i want …. to stay “on the same page” and work at my speed

interior talk or thought: ….is so insensitive
underlying need: empathy
translated as need-feeling: i want you to empathically connect with me and listen to my feelings

interior talk or thought: ….is so emotional
underlying need: consideration
translated as need-feeling: i feel so scared/frustrated for not knowing how to relate with your intensity

practice is essential, because most of us were raised, if not on the streets of Detroit, then somewhere only slightly less violent. judging and blaming have become second nature to us. to practice NVC, we need to proceed slowly, think carefully before we speak, and often just take a deep breath and not speak at all. learning the process and applying it both take time.

Marshall Rosenberg