boundaries and assertiveness

‘no’ is a complete sentence.

Annie Lamott

simply said, boundaries are the limits set by an individual to ensure their well-being. if i say “please don’t send me voice notes,” it becomes my boundary. without these boundaries our needs cannot be clearly communicated, and we encounter difficulty. we become angry when we feel wronged (our boundary is crossed) and resentful when our needs are not met (we’re not speaking our needs, or we’re not listened to).

the example of the voice notes is about an external boundary. there are also internal boundaries. these are the boundaries that you create for your own mind and actions, so that you’re not constantly beating yourself up, holding on to failed relationships, being judgmental, or lost in your cognitive distortions. as much as we care for the relationships we have for others, we equally notice and care for the relationship we have with ourselves. this is the only way in which we can start turning self-sabotaging behaviors around. here are some examples of healthy and unhealthy boundaries:

a healthy boundary allows for flexible control over what you allow, but does not make you overly defensive or resistant to change.

when we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel misused and mistreated. this is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.

Brené Brown

when a person has been traumatized, their boundaries may be completely lacking. they may easily get embroiled in dramatic and difficult relationships. decision-making and problem-solving are challenging. they tend to blame themselves (or others) for whatever goes wrong. they feel like a victim most of the time and can experience deep ongoing anxiety and shame. if this description resonates with you, we suggest that you first work with the material in the trauma and self-esteem programs. as will be discussed later, we need self-esteem in order to set inner boundaries. we need to regard ourselves with respect before we are able to work with ourselves.

three types of boundaries

to better understand boundaries, we need to distinguish between physical, mental, and emotional boundaries. each of these has an interior and exterior form, manifesting as an internal and external boundary. let’s summarize what they look like.

healthy boundaries allow us and those around us to know what we want to allow and how we need to protect ourselves. this awareness usually comes through learning from painful experiences. the more clearly we express our boundaries (exteriorizing), the greater the likelihood that we will have harmonious relationships and develop our ability to co-regulate. our boundaries become embodied. on the interior side, the healthier our interior boundaries, the more likely we are to mature in terms of perspective and emotion. boundaries allow us to create a safe space for ourselves and others.

internal boundaries

the ability to set internal boundaries correlates with our level of self-esteem and self-regard. when our self-esteem is low and something uncomfortable happens, we immediately take it personally, losing ourselves in anger or shame. we forget our self-worth and easily give in to negative coping habits, like the next drink or helping of food. we betray ourselves, hardly noticing. there are two big problems with this: first, is the betrayal of our own trust (we may feel uncomfortable about the habit we are about to repeat), and second, is that we may not be mindful about this. this lack of mindfulness can easily become a psychological defense mechanism. we deny, rationalize, repress, etc., our experience. the more healthily we relate to ourselves, the more we use our self-discipline to steer us into the direction we really want to go.

steps in setting boundaries

how do i know where a boundary is needed? quite simply, any situation where i feel a disharmonious emotion, including anger, jealousy, anxiety, craving, pride, shame, resentment, or any other powerful feeling.

once we notice one of these places of powerful emotion, it becomes our task and responsibility to decide what our limit is, what action we will take, and what supportive mindset we will need to carry ourselves through. let’s look at an example. Tim is a very helpful person who is caught in a situation where there is shortage of staff at work, and he is close to burnout. he receives a text from his friend, Alice, who is struggling and needs support. Tim is caught between wanting to help Alice and having to help himself by saying “no” so that he can get the rest he desperately needs. he realizes that this is a repeating pattern and decides to use it as a place to practice. he realizes that he is exhausted and needs to take care of himself (setting a limit or boundary). he sends a message to Alice describing his need for rest (taking appropriate action). once the message is sent he instantly feels guilty and selfish. this is where the supportive mindset comes in. Tim knows that he is in the habit of over-doing, and that it leads to exhaustion, so he simply has to learn to accept the painful feeling of guilt and become more allowing of it. he is going to have to say “no” more often and learn to process guilt, or he will burn out completely.

setting boundaries means knowing what we need, and effectively communicating these needs. it is our responsibility to communicate our needs to others, especially if we want those needs to be met. the people around us cannot read our mind. when we communicate calmly, clearly, respectfully, and in as few words as possible, we give ourselves the best chance of being heard. we may need a lot of practice before being able to do this in the moment, and that is fine. if we don’t get it right in the moment, we can usually return to setting the boundary at a later time. the critical point is that we have to communicate our boundaries.

your goal is to find a mutually beneficial and supportive way of working or being together. this means that boundaries will at times have to be negotiated. begin by describing your feelings and what needs to change, and stating your limit. for example, if you have a managerial position in a business environment, ask your team members to drop by your office only during certain hours, rather than at any time, so that you can more easily define and schedule your task list. this is an outer boundary. the inner boundary is your ability to concentrate on your work without being constantly disturbed. another example of an internal boundary is a shy person who resolves to contribute at least once during each team meeting.

prepare for pushback

when we say “no,” especially when others expect to hear “yes, when?” we risk losing our congeniality badge, especially if we’ve been over-extending ourselves for others for a long time. when we change and, by doing so, ask others to change the way they engage with us, we are bound to encounter some resistance. if others become reactive or try to pull you back into your old patterns, remember that you are responsible for communicating clearly, but not for their reaction. realize that you will have to communicate the “no” frequently for a while, until others have adapted to your new style. also remember that saying “no” does not automatically mean that you will lose respect. in fact, you may gain more.

sample phrases when your boundary has been breached

any of the following phrases, spoken as information rather than accusation (be aware of your tone), can be helpful to alert another to the fact that you feel a boundary has been breached. remember, this may not have been the person’s intent, and the sooner you speak up, the sooner they can realize what is happening and change course.

• no.
• please stop.
• for your information, i have feelings about that.
• i’ve changed my mind about this arrangement, and need to create new boundaries.
• i feel uncomfortable about this.
• i’m no longer willing to do this/ go there.
• i feel upset by what just happened.
• may i explain how i feel about what you did?.
• i don’t agree/ feel the same.
• you’re asking me to put myself or another in danger, and i won’t.
• please say that differently.

remember that healthy boundaries are a crucial aspect of self-care, or self-compassion. poor boundaries lead to resentment, anger, and burnout at work and in our personal relationships.

some more practice

focus on your own non-verbal behavior

hold a body posture that is open and engaging, and make good eye contact. you don’t need to stare, but focus on looking at the person, especially when you’re listening. sit and stand tall rather than slouched. if you notice that others tend to ignore you, you may need to work on your passivity and body language.

give your opinion in conversations

this does not mean that you need to know everything about everything. it simply means that you’re really present in the conversation, noticing your own thoughts and emotions, and willing to speak them. when we really know nothing about a topic, we can still be assertive and engaged by stating that we do not know anything but are happy to listen and learn. being willing to speak about your thoughts and feelings is a great way to practice better communication. if offering your opinion is very new for you, pay attention to whether you start your sentence with “i’m sorry...” “i’m sorry for feeling this but….” we can say sorry when we’ve crossed another’s boundary, but we do not need to apologize for what we think or feel.

make requests

be reasonable and honest and ask for what you want or need. people who care about you will most likely want to accommodate you. you can practice making requests by focusing on:

• knowing what you want
• discerning whether what you’re asking for is reasonable and within another’s ability
• making sure that it is a request and not a demand, e.g. “would you please….?” rather than “do this...”
• not starting your sentence with an apology, e.g. “i’m sorry for asking, but….”

say "no"

realize that you have the right to say “no.” it is not selfish to take care of your time, emotions, and needs. in fact, it is selfish to fail to do so, as this will lead to you becoming other people’s responsibility. they will feel as if they need to read your mind, and will soon become resentful. realize that you are loved even when you say no. you will find that, in contrast to your fears, your friends draw closer to you when you are emotionally honest. notice the situations where others make the most demands on you, and begin to practice there.

learn to accept criticism

pay deep attention to the places where you feel criticized. is the person unrealistic? are they taking their emotion out on you? is there jealousy? can you hear what the person is saying about themselves? we often criticize things in others that we cannot allow within ourselves (projection). listen openly. avoid making assumptions, jumping to conclusions, or being defensive. what the person has to say is important to them and says as much about them as they want to say about you. agree where you feel others may be right and work together towards a solution.

to effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.

Tony Robbins

boundary practice is ongoing

there is no end to our ability to embody our values in exterior boundaries and facilitate our maturing with interior boundaries. every interaction presents an opportunity to practice. recognize and acknowledge your emotions and needs. anger, frustration, exhaustion, overwhelm and resentment are good markers for where boundaries are needed. when you are upset, ask yourself what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling this way (look at causes from outside as well as inside), and what would need to change for you to feel safer.

notice and express gratitude when others set boundaries, for example “thank you for telling me, i appreciate that you share what you feel and need.”

practice saying “no” without providing a reason. start small and in easier situations, like whether to watch a series or movie with a friend or partner. healthy relationships are reciprocal and mutually nourishing, not one-sided and depleting.

whatever your reason, it’s time to stop saying yes when you need to say no because not doing so will increase your risk of stress and eventually lead to burnout. in fact, if you learn to become more confident and competent in saying no, you’re likely to find that you become more productive and more efficient in daily life.

Rachel Clements

assertiveness

if you don’t have a seat at the table, you’re probably on the menu.

Elizabeth Warren

the way we communicate and interact with others influences the way they view and treat us. if our style of communication is effective, it increases the likelihood that our needs will be met and our relationships will be harmonious. being assertive means navigating challenges with grace and professionalism, no matter how difficult the situation or the personalities involved. it is the opposite of reactiveness or having a hair-trigger temper.

notice your style

the first step is to become aware of your style of communication. which of the four styles described below do you use most often? do you tend to use different styles in different situations? what styles do you notice in others?

passive

this is the person who does not communicate their opinions, wants or needs, mostly to prevent any form of conflict or confrontation. this person may evade eye contact, mimic the views of others, and display an inability to criticize others or give honest feedback. they give in to unreasonable demands and avoid attention or disapproval. they may act like a push-over and feel resentment and a sense of being taken advantage of. ultimately this style results in giving your life over to others, and can be as deeply frustrating for them as for you.

aggressive

this is the opposite of passivity. aggressive individuals get their needs and wants met without much consideration for the impact on others. this person needs to stay in control and can be deeply insensitive to subtle communication. acting in this way is an “effective” way of being for many. they dominate in order to prevent being dominated. they also understand that dominated people voice few demands. they may be hostile, abrasive, pushy, and egotistical, and may even be proud of these behaviors. the reality is that no one likes to be addressed in an aggressive manner, especially when aggression is combined with manipulation. if you employ this style people may fear or dislike you, and you will lose their trust and loyalty.

the two words ‘information’ and ‘communication’ are often used interchangeably, but they signify quite different things. information is giving out; communication is getting through.

Sydney J. Harris

passive-aggressive

the passive-aggressive person seeks to have their needs met, but in an indirect way. they say “yes” to the task and then do nothing or drag their feet. in its severe form it becomes pathological. the DSM-5 defines it as “a pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations.” mostly it presents in the form of procrastination, learned helplessness, stubbornness, and the failure to complete tasks that the person is primarily responsible for. the passive-aggressive person fixates on their own need and avoids what they don’t want by subversive means. it is hard to get a direct and committed “yes” or a “no” from them. others may experience a lack of responsibility, openness, and clear communication.

assertive

this is the most efficient communication style. the assertive person is able to express themselves freely and make requests from others, and receives requests from others with equal respect, so that the needs, emotions and views of all parties are visible and conscious. this comes about through self-regulation, the ability to compromise, and knowing the values one seeks to uphold in interactions. this person is present, transparent, clear in their communication, and aims for win-win solutions.

to be passive is to let others decide for you. to be aggressive is to decide for others. to be assertive is to decide for yourself.

Edith Eger

let’s give a practical example, where it is possible to feel the effect in your imagination. pay attention to what you feel and recognize as you read.

you and your friend are feeling hungry and want to get something to eat. you’re imagining very different meals though. your friend has suggested getting a pizza, and you feel like sushi.

passive: “sure, pizza sounds good.” (your need is repressed).

aggressive: “i hate pizza, why do you like it?! c'mon, we’re going to get sushi.” (ouch).

passive-aggressive: “okay…” and then you suddenly remember an urgent task or feel ill. your friend finally leaves to eat alone. (now there are all kinds of miscommunication in the relationship).

assertive: “pizza sounds good, though right now i need something less heavy, why don’t we try a place where there’s a wide range of options?” (now both parties have greater choice and we’re still together).

let’s look at some examples in a work environment. these examples have been adapted from the work of Melody Wilding, a coach writing on Medium.com:

take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people.

Jim Rohn