active listening

what stops us from listening to ourselves and others? mostly we are simply distracted, and lack focus. we’re hearing, instead of listening. we also easily jump to conclusions, because we’re listening defensively. we make assumptions and are impatient with regard to the outcomes we want. or we are judgmental, or feel we have to be right. and because our lives are so busy, multi-tasking becomes yet another way of splitting or diluting our focus. feeling that we need to have a response ready when the other stops talking puts the final nail in the coffin of active listening. most of the time, we’re actually planning what to say whilst the other is talking. there is no depth to the listening. in other words, there is little understanding, and no empathy.

the most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. the best way to understand people is to listen to them.​

Ralph G. Nichols

defensive listening

as soon as we say “but …,” we have moved into defense. we are not listening but wanting to change the other’s experience. or we want to reason with emotion, which is just not helpful. the person is trying to tell us something about themselves, and not about us. they are feeling something, and it might concern what we do. it does not mean we have to change, but it does mean we have to take this information into account. when we say “you’re wrong,” we go back to that place of not listening. a feeling cannot be wrong, or right, it is just feeling-emotion. countering the person with “you do that too,” again takes the focus away from what is being said and uses blame (we typically do this when we feel shame). “it may be true that i also do that, but for the moment, we’re talking about you” would, in terms of feeling-emotion, be a perfectly valid reply. cognitive distortions abound in defensive listening, and it might be worthwhile to look at this program later.

personalization is also very common, especially in intimate relationships. i don’t hear how it is for you, i hear what you think of me, and if i don’t like what i hear, i try to reason/bully/gaslight/manipulate you into a view of me that i prefer. all the psychological defenses correlate to forms of defensive listening, and if you’re aware of your Enneagram type, you may want to remind yourself of your main defenses, and learn to recognize those of other types, not to be able to blame others or point out their shortcomings, but to understand and find skilful ways of working with them.

holding a space

most of us are wired to take, to want from others, to grab every opportunity. we cannot accept their view unless it fits ours. we control, manipulate, and try to convince, rather than just holding a space for the other, and ourselves.

holding space means that i’m there for the other (or myself). i don’t need to be judgmental, striving, or fixing. i can care through empathy and listening, even when i don’t agree with you. i can put my opinions aside and simply listen to you, to understand how things are for you. it takes more than the question “how are you?” — that’s only where it begins. from there, we can read the response for hints as to how the other really is, or ask questions to get more information, all the time clarifying, summarizing, and providing empathy. unsafe spaces encourage others to hide, to give less information, and to distrust. when we do not have the ability to hold a space for the other, the relationship is already on shaky ground. and when we don’t have a deep relationship with ourselves, there are also problems.

listening is an active verb that involves giving meaning and value to the perspective of others.​

Carlina Rinaldi

holding a space, is active listening

what would the environment look or sound like, where active listening is practiced? imagine being part of a conversation where you hear:

• "would anybody like to say what we heard Anthea say?" (reflective listening and memory)
• “can anyone take a guess at what Bronwyn is feeling, right now?” (empathic listening)
• “did anyone notice how Pete’s posture changed as he was talking?” (awareness of body language)
• “what changed in the space since Anthea spoke?” (process awareness, observing)

listening is a very active awareness of the coming together of at least two lives. listening, as far as i’m concerned, is certainly the prerequisite of love. one of the most essential ways of saying ‘i love you’ is being a receptive listener.​

Fred Rogers

active listening

our object is to focus on the speaker, so that they feel validated. we want to understand what they’re saying, and how they feel about it. this means our presence includes our memory of what they’ve just said, as well as our history with them.

we allow ourselves to reflect on what they are saying and can give this reflection back to them in words. we also empathically reach into their experience, making ourselves aware of their feelings — not what we would feel in a similar situation, but what they are actually feeling. we see the world through their eyes and can relate what we see to them in words, so that they know that we are in the experience with them.

• a communication style that involves listening with all your senses
• the ability to focus on the speaker, understand their message, and comprehend their feeling
• responding with reflection and compassion.

being actively listening

to be truly attentive is a singular task. we cannot really listen if we are thinking about our response. we have to become quiet, and let ourselves be influenced or moved by the other or the situation. just for a while, we become a receiver instead of a transmitter. that is what it means to be attentive. essentially, three things are happening in my listening and responding:

1. i mirror the other's experience through asking questions, watching body language, and being aware of tone.
2. i validate their experience by being non-judgmental and clarifying my full understanding of their experience.
3. finally, i empathize through attuning to their emotions, summarizing my understanding, or holding empathically.

being attentive

let the other speak as much as they need to, and don’t interrupt. active listening is not possible if we become distracted, form counter arguments, get bored with the listening, or lose focus on what the other is saying. listen to their view, so that you can understand their actions. put yourself in their shoes, and bring that feeling-understanding to the moment.

in terms of body language, we notice if there are differences between what is being said what is conveyed through body language. if someone says “everything is ok,” and yet they look troubled or concerned, then we can ask about this. “you say everything’s ok, but you look troubled?” we can also notice whether their tone is in line with the emotions you notice in their body language.

make eye contact when you support and empathize, and don’t stare when you notice discomfort or shame in the other. signal your listening through nodding, smiling, an open posture, and verbal comments like “uh huh,” or “yes,” “please tell me more.”

stay with the person until they’ve said everything they needed to say about the concern. when we simply respond with “me too” and then begin telling our story, there is no space for the other. instead, respond to the emotion of the person — “that sounds painful, how are you dealing with …”
be encouraging. you know things are hard for this person, and your being with them means that they’re not alone. use their language to soothe and encourage them.

types of questions

there are many kinds of questions we can ask, and we will look more deeply into these forms when we discuss difficult conversations. for the sake of active listening, we stick to open-ended questions when we want to understand more, and may use some closed-ended questions, when we want to clarify. we stay away from leading questions. a leading question is any statement followed by a closed-ended question, like “you do need this experience, don’t you?” the person now has little choice, but to choose what you’ve pointed out. the leading question encourages the other to agree, rather than to share their experience. other forms of unhelpful questioning would be questions using your own language rather than the other’s, and disguised statements such as “you don’t really want that though?” you are now telling the person what they must think, feel, or do.

clarifying

if the other’s feelings are very hurt, we want to understand and support, not in the way we think is appropriate, but in the way that we see is appropriate for them. there is deep discernment here. we are paying attention, and when unsure about our understanding, may ask a question or make a statement to clarify our view. we can either ask an open-ended question, paraphrase, or restate what has been said.

“why is it so important to you?”
“you’ve told me that … can you say more about …?”

every now and then it helps to repeat or paraphrase what the person has said. this mirroring helps them to become more aware of their thoughts and feelings. it might be the first time this person is speaking openly, and by carefully paraphrasing and restating, we indicate that we are with them, and that we understand. through restating or paraphrasing what has been said, we avoid misunderstanding.

“Jenny is your friend with the young baby, right?”

• support their way
• reflective inquiry
• paraphrase and restate

Gerard Egan - learning empathy

active listening is seldom a problem-solving space, unless the person who is speaking begins to talk about finding a solution. most of the time, active listening is being with, emotionally.

empathy means feeling with. it does not need to fix or rescue, but simply enters the emotion with the other. there is a beautiful saying in Judaism that encapsulates empathy: “when my sister cries, i taste salt.” we are typically reminded of a situation where we felt what we see the other feeling now, and we hold ourselves in that feeling. this is the most powerful skill, because it can soothe. the other’s vulnerability is so widely open and raw that the only comfort is to have someone there with them. this means physical presence, but it also means psychological presence. whatever pain i know deeply in myself, i can feel or recognize in another. and all that is needed is for me to be willing to feel it, because this supports the other in feeling it.

psychologist Gerard Egan developed an easy formula for learning empathy. we resolve to pay attention to feelings and emotions when in conversation, and when we feel that we can pinpoint the emotion, we speak it. it does not matter if you are wrong, because the other will typically tell you what they’re feeling if you are off the mark. begin by practicing in easier conversations, and as you notice your skill increasing, take it into more difficult situations.

formula

“you feel……(feeling that is visible to you) because, or when… (cause of the feeling)."

example

“you feel scared when you hear your son struggling to articulate words.”

pay attention to visible emotion, body-language and tone​

“you feel … (emotion visible to you) because, or when … (cause of emotion)”

example“you feel scared when you hear your son struggling to articulate words”

summarizing

with active listening there is often no need for feedback, but when we are in a situation where problem-solving is part of the process, it becomes very helpful to summarize the experience. in summarizing, we attempt to be open, honest, candid, and respond appropriately to the other’s level of maturity, using as much of their language as possible. you are telling the person what you’ve heard, what you feel, and how you see their proposed solution (when necessary). or you summarize in order to help with the problem-solving.

to cultivate right speech, listen as you talk so that you hear, with your own ears, exactly what you say and how you say it.​

Ken McLeod

silence

learn to be comfortable with silence. it allows for processing thought and emotion. few people are familiar with — and able to be in — silence. a silent space in conversation may feel groundless, unstructured, not knowing which direction to take, so we fill the space with humor, irrelevant comments, or a new direction of thought. good listeners are able to be quiet because they know that the silent space is not emptiness or groundlessness. it is a space where we can reflect, connect more deeply with feelings, self-reflect, and find where the silence wants to lead us. we can come back from the silence with deeper understanding, and express this.

good communication in relationship relies heavily on self-awareness and mindfulness. understanding our styles of communication goes a long way in terms of finding ways of meeting the other. look for bare attention, improving communication using the Enneagram, cognitive distortions, and self-awareness on this website.

for listening to the stories of others… is a kind of water that breaks the fever of our isolation. if we listen closely enough, we are soothed into remembering our common name.​​

Mark Nepo​