being with emotion

in our previous program (self-regulation), we saw that self-regulation consists of holding back an impulse in service of a greater need. for example, i hold back on my irritation with you, because i’m aware that you’re going through a difficult time. for our relationship to function well, and for me to take care of you, the sacrifice is small, though not easy. it necessitates growing my capacity to hold the painful feeling.

whoever wants to reach a distant goal must take many small steps.

Helmut Schmidt

there are many ways to run away from our emotions, including self-medicating, intellectualizing, idealizing, “meditating” (spiritual bypassing), defensiveness, positive thinking, fighting, etc. we only want to accept emotion that feels good. processing emotional pain and trauma does not feel good, but it is good. it is similar to eating a healthy meal, even though you may have preferred a box of donuts. by processing, we mean organizing our emotions, seeing them in their context, and adapting our “doing” (actions) to serve our emotional needs. if you’re exhausted, find a way to do less and more slowly, with deeper mindfulness. if you’re excited, find the time to work on that which causes excitement, like planning a holiday. notice what you can and cannot control. focus on problem-solving and working with self-sabotaging emotional habits. as you work with your emotions, notice your thought patterns as well. journaling about what is happening in your mental processes is very helpful here. when we write more elaborately (in other words, when we write the way we would speak), we notice the cognitive distortions easily.

inquire into emotion

the development of self-regulation requires inquiring into emotion. inquiring is not theorizing, interpreting, or assuming without sufficient evidence. we need to find out first. remember that feelings, good or bad, are information, and not “wrong”. bad feelings are like dashboard lights: without them, you may not know how things went wrong. if you constantly fight your emotions, they will fight back. they want to bring you the information, and if you don’t allow them to, they will persist. in this way, emotions are like ringing telephones (but without voicemail): they will ring until you answer and give them the opportunity to give you the message. answer the phone!

if you notice blame (story), it is a sign that you’re no longer in the feeling, but have gone into thinking. come back to the feeling/emotion. you’re not looking for reasons, you’re looking for more feeling. when emotions are very intense, they tend to come in waves. think about rage, shame, or jealousy. it washes over you, again and again, and your only task is to stay attentive. ride the wave. this is only possible if we keep switching the chattering and reason-seeking mind off, bringing ourselves back to the feeling (visceral sense) itself. when the waves are very intense, it helps to regulate your breathing pattern to them and support the body in processing the emotion. for some people, it helps to move gently, or stretch, deeply. restorative yoga practices and trauma release practices can be combined and synchronized with emotion. learn to be reflective around your emotions. if a particular emotional pattern repeats often, you may want to reflect deeply on the experience, and the conditions within which it occurs.

when you go away, the emotion follows you

when we begin to take responsibility for our emotions, or realize that our emotions are not caused by the outside or by others, we intervene in the process of our emotion just like a parent would intervene to help their child understand and soothe emotion. feelings and emotions are not dismissed or silenced, but rather explored and understood. ultimately, emotional maturity also means that we recognize that our partner or other loved ones cannot fix our emotions, and mostly do not mean to trigger them. the healing work is ours.

self-soothing means that we remain our own emotional support and understanding person. we turn to the emotion with the intent of supporting and understanding.

emotions may seem to rule us because they are the complex result of adaptation. fear and rage want to push us away from the experience. disgust wants to protect us from contamination. joy tells us that we’re safe. this does not mean that we accept every emotion. it is not good to have an emotionally wounded child steer your life. it means that we learn to discern what is happening in the moment, assisting the inner adaptive child in its adaptation, and becoming the parent they never had. it means being with our feelings, moods, and emotions in such a way that we and the inner child mature. the adult sees what is necessary for the inner child, and does not try to protect it from the emotion itself, but rather from its interpretation. the inner child experiences love and holding, and becomes more able to hold the emotions themselves.

a self-compassion practice

in the meditation and sanctuary sections of this website, we’ll get to the practices of self-compassion, since these are so helpful in the journey of healing. for the moment, let’s introduce Kristin Neff’s “surreptitious self-hug.” by locating and focusing the attention on a point of connection on the body surface, we have a mindfulness object to help us keep stable and present. we remain in our own safety bubble, even when we don’t feel safe.

from emotion to need

when i’m really holding myself in a difficult situation, it becomes possible to translate the need behind it. a good question to ask yourself in the situation, or later, is: “what am i doing that is unkind to me, or leaves me feeling unsafe?” “what can i do to feel safer?” it can be as simple as your need to leave a situation in which you are not being heard, not being emotionally honest, or feeling overwhelmed and not saying so.

to take care of the emotion, i have to understand the underlying need. basic emotions have very clear underlying needs.

• anger (fight) reacts to threat (typically change), and the need, therefore, is to be unthreatening and soothing to help solve the “threat."
• fear (flight) reacts to danger, and needs clarity.
• disgust reacts to a sense of contamination, based on your morality. it needs understanding and flexibility.
• sadness is the loss of a longed-for future. it needs consolation and empathy.

all of them need understanding, acceptance, and inclusion. also, understand that if the need is expressed, or desired from someone else, it is not their responsibility to give it. it is your responsibility to provide for your need. at the same time, telling the other your need may help them better understand what is happening.

what are the triggers?

make time daily to focus on the emotional work that you’re doing. keep your journal handy and use it. when we problem-solve, the best place to begin is the emotional trigger. be specific in terms of emotion, action, and thought.

come back, again and again, to that reality of the present moment, which is always based on the physical. the more i just be the shaking, be the tight muscles, then the more there is stillness, that still point, that nothing-at all.​

Joko Beck

balance the intelligences

for most people it is helpful to simply focus on more than one intelligence. for example, when you are next in a reactive space, and have time, and particularly if your mind is saying one thing and your heart another, do the following: create two columns on a page, and give them the titles, “emotions” and “thoughts”. fill the two columns with everything you can think of or feel in the moment. use a feeling wheel to support your reflection. your emotions may want to retaliate, whereas your thoughts may be warning you to stay objective. by noticing where feeling influences thought and vice versa, it becomes easier to discern feeling from thought, and find a way to a balanced response. scanning through the two columns will immediately enable you to see whether you’re erring on overthinking or over-feeling.

being with emotion

when we bring ourselves fully to an emotion to learn from it and the process, we can use a model called transmuting the emotion. we’ll say more about this practice in our “working with emotion” section, but for the moment we can accept the form in which Ken Wilber presents it. transmutation means using the energy of the emotion in a beneficial way, or as a way to get over the emotion. Wilber suggests that we start by mindfully videoing the emotion. we notice the way it unpacks in the body, the location of most intensity, the color, shape, texture, and behavior of the emotion. next, we allow ourselves to relax with the emotion. allowing it to be here and gaining more information. we may also allow more of the full experience to give us insight. in the third stage, we let go of the reasoning altogether. we’re not interested in the cause, but rather the emotion and its behavior. we accept responsibility for the emotion, knowing that another cannot cause us to experience emotion. when the emotion is very intense, we can feel its vitality and the way it washes over the body. we notice the positive and negative aspects of the emotion, and gain respect for its energy. we soothe ourselves with breathing into the emotion, just like you may breathe into a contracted muscle or a physical pain. finally, we continue holding our attention there until the emotion is exhausted. now we pay deep attention to the transient nature of emotion (we’ve watched it “boil off”), and we may have more insight into its functioning and how we can work with it. the more you use a method like this after an emotional reaction, the sooner you’ll be able to apply it in the moment.

problem-solving

when we have the information on our trigger and its circumstance, we’re ready to start problem-solving. there are many good models on the internet, and the one here is freely available on Google. the steps can be applied equally helpfully for children and adults, for simple or complex problems. they are logical, and the reason it’s useful to write it all out is to keep ourselves to the learning and the process.

the first step is knowing what you want as an outcome, or at the end of the process you’re undertaking. you can own your emotional problem, and you have a sense of what you want it to look like after you’ve worked with it.

our next step is to reflect on what prevents the outcome we want. this is typically where we notice our own triggers or beliefs. “this is the part that i will have to let go of, and do something different, to have a different outcome.”

step three then takes us into the planning. what is the smallest thing we need to change in our thought-process, action, or speech to reach our desired outcome?

so, if we take our example from earlier, the outcome i want is to be less frustrated (when you’re behind in your work). what i would need is to adapt to your slower pace, and use it in a way that is good for the team. one of the smallest first steps would then be to notice the frustration, or irritation, and remind myself that this is the place where i can lean in. i can pay deeper attention and learn about you. now i can try it out. the moment will arrive soon enough, and when it does, i need to remind myself to pay deeper attention, with the intent to learn how to work with you in a way that is good for the team. afterwards, i can return to my journal and complete the last step. i can make notes on what i’ve learned, and decide on the next step (if it needs to be different). or, i may conclude that my plan is not going to work, for some reason, and with this new knowledge, i can construct a new plan.

reflection

get into the habit of asking yourself, in the moment you feel emotionally overwhelmed (or later), what you are experiencing and what goals this emotion might be serving. what is the emotion trying to protect you from? is this protection necessary? what are your emotional goals? what is the step you will take to experiment with finding a new way?

introspection

reflect for a moment on humanity, in terms of what you’re feeling. how many in the world are currently feeling the same? can you feel yourself as one of those who carry this feeling right now? can you be glad for those who do not need to carry this feeling right now? can you see-feel how the suffering unites us o? can you see this moment as building a new relationship with this feeling?

change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. we are the ones we’ve been waiting for. we are the change that we seek.​

Barack Obama