self-reflection and contemplation

in this program

  • self-reflection
  • Gibbs' reflective cycle
  • The Work of Byron Katie
  • contemplation
  • contemplative prayer
  • the three wisdom tools of Buddhism

we cannot live in a world that is interpreted for us by others. an interpreted world is not a hope. part of the terror is to take back our own listening. to use our own voice. to see our own light.

Hildegard von Bingen

we live in a fast-paced world where our definitions, even of ourselves, are constantly influenced by external factors. others tell us what to believe, think, and feel. this is what is known as “convention”. there is a sense of comfort, safety, and belonging (“fitting in”) in convention. it means not having to make sense of everything from scratch in order to have a life. however, one of its major limitations is that it curtails — and even inhibits — self-reflection. we seldom look into who we are in relation to our current reality when we are living a conventional life. yet, it is through self-reflection and contemplation that we increase our awareness of our motivations, we gain insights into who we are to and for others and who we want to be, we focus on what really matters to us, and we gain emotional independence. we begin to think, feel, and act on our own behalf, no longer unconsciously driven by convention.

self-reflection

we learn through experience. and we learn most from experience when we are also reflecting on it. when we are aware of the experience taking place within ourselves, and we’re able to make sense of this process, we truly integrate our learning.

self-reflection is the habit of paying deliberate attention to our thoughts, emotions, decisions, and behaviors. we become aware of the inter-relation between these elements, and discover patterns in our behavior that we may want to change or gain more insight into.

our daily routine is the clearest indicator of how we’re doing and where we’re going. we all have twenty-four hours every day. are you filling the time with what you really want to do, or be? how do you spend the hours when you’re not working or sleeping? what does this tell you about yourself? we’ll explore these and some other helpful questions later.

if you don’t know where you’re going, you might not like where you end up.

David Bach

the intention

when we engage in self-reflection, our intention is to synthesize, abstract, and articulate our learning process. we make sense of our experiences in a way that will benefit us and others in future. most of the time we can only do this retrospectively, reflecting on something that has already happened. yet it is so much more powerful if we can bring this reflective capacity into our direct experiences, for example into a difficult conversation with our partner, as we notice that they are feeling overwhelmed, and we stop badgering them with questions and rather listen to their emotions.

the only way this can happen is by making self-reflection a habit. when we’re reflective, we’re also curious, willing to ask questions of ourselves. we’re not just repeating the same old thoughts over and over (rumination) but we’re looking into and learning from our self-awareness. the mind that is reflective is naturally clear, since it seeks to know. at the same time, we need to develop stability of mind, and this stability of mind, or holding our mind to the “problem,” is created through increasing our openness and developing observation and healthy reasoning.

the real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.

Thomas Paine

if we are open we’re more likely to see the falsity in our beliefs and identifications. if my belief is that i’m not a good person, then it might be helpful to be open to what others say. i may realize that there are differences between how i see myself and how others see me. or we may come to see that some of our beliefs are built on cognitive distortions, and, seeing this, we are able to reset those beliefs and remove the distortions. we can also work with our inner talk, thought, and feeling. we can question our own expectations and learn to recognize our psychological defenses.

observation

observation means being able to watch or witness ourselves as we would others. observation is particularly powerful in overcoming addictive and compulsive habitual behaviors. our first step is to look deeply into the addictive behavior. what happens just before, and during the compulsion? you can probably see that it is our capacity for mindfulness and meditation that drive the capacity for observation. when the light of awareness shines in the compulsion, when we can create more space there, we notice the small things that push or pull us from moment to moment. we become clearer about the process, and are thus able to intervene. mindfulness is what makes us see what is really happening. self-reflection in real time requires of us the ability to briefly shift our attention, not only to what is happening outside, but also what is happening inside.

without reflection, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful.

Margaret Wheatley

healthy reasoning

healthy reasoning is the ability to separate our thoughts, feelings, and actions from the psychological defense of identifying. for example, instead of labelling ourselves as angry (identifying with the anger), we know that we feel angry. there is an enormous difference between “i am angry,” and “i feel anger.” what we feel and think may influence us, but we can still choose to be ourselves rather than the thought or emotion. an intrusive thought is a good example. we may experience a clear thought of hurting ourselves or someone else. this is often immediately followed by a panicked thought: “i am crazy!” we can see the cognitive distortion here. just because we have a very painful intrusive thought, it does not define our entire reality. we are the awareness within which the thought is happening, and any thought can happen in that space. we can learn to observe and question our thoughts and generate alternatives. in this process we learn a great deal about ourselves, including how we can best use thought, and when it becomes unhealthy.

dwell not on the faults and shortcomings of others; instead, seek clarity about your own.

Buddha

a mindful space

self-reflection is a form of attention through which we analyze, understand, and know ourselves; our thoughts and feelings and what drive them, our place or standing in life, our aspirations, needs, flaws and fears, skills, level of maturity, and many other things besides. we pay attention to who we are and how this is different from who we want to be. through self-reflection we expand our self-awareness and self-regulation.

when we’re reflecting, we are holding a mindful space. we’re not looking to find out what is wrong with us. we’re looking to understand, to guide, and to support. we don’t need to overwhelm ourselves with all the negative things we see about ourselves. the fact that we see negative things means that we’re being judgmental, and when we notice this, the judgment becomes the important finding. focus on one thing at a time. this work is life-long, and the more we do it, the more we’ll learn. when you are stuck in a negative event, remember that you are looking to support yourself. what are the natural traits that you possess that can be used to counter the negative behavior?

in self-reflection it is best to ask “what” questions, rather than “why" questions. rather than “why am i so tired…” ask “what makes me tired?” and “what gives me energy?” we are looking for questions that will invite action and expansion, or growth. when we ask a question like: “how can i feel less tired all the time?” or “how can i be less angry?” we are asking the question in a negative or problem-focused way. we’re telling the mind to focus on the negative, and the resulting thoughts and feelings will express this focus. if i ask the question “how can i energize myself today?” or “how can i be friendly today?” the mind responds in a very different way, as we’re now taking on a solution-focused attitude.

the instinct is to look for answers, but the truth is that questions teach us most.

Ryan Holiday

Gibbs' reflective cycle

one of the best models we can use for reflection is known as Gibbs’ reflective cycle. in 1988 Graham Gibbs created a method for structured debriefing to support experiential learning. this model is best applied when we’ve been in a reactive space and we want to probe what went wrong, or right, or how we would choose to respond to it in future.

Gibbs' reflective cycle:

  1. description: define the problem and frame it
  2. feelings: look into the emotions that arise when defining the problem
  3. evaluation: look into the root of the problem (why did it happen?)
  4. analysis: examine the reasons for the results
  5. conclusion: enumerate identifications, emotions, and lessons learned
  6. action plan: create a stepwise solution to use in future.

in the first three stages we are exploring what really happened, and in the last three, we define our action plan, or how we want to respond to such situations in future. let's look at each stage in a little more detail.

1. description (what happened)

describe what happened, without conclusions or interpretation. provide context, and aim for a better understanding of the experience. what happened? where did it happen? what did you do? who was there? what did they do? what was the outcome? focus on simply describing, and hold back on the temptation to immediately evaluate.

2. feelings (your reactions and feelings)

describe what you actually felt during the experience. again, don't judge or analyze your feelings, just simply record them. what did you feel at the time? what impact did you have? what might others have been feeling, and how did they experience their feelings? how do you feel about the incident now? how might others feel?

3. evaluation (what was good and bad?)

now you can bring your evaluation to the situation, helping you to determine what went well and what you want to work with. be as honest as possible. what was good or bad about the experience? was the situation resolved, and if not, why? what positive or negative things did you contribute, and what positive or negative things did others contribute?

4. analysis (making sense of the situation)

what may have helped or hindered the situation? here you can look more deeply into research, models, or tools on the topic. what kind of research, model, or theory can help me make sense of the situation? what may have helped or improved things?

5. conclusion (what have i learnt?)

using the information you’ve collected and noted down, ask yourself some questions around what you’d want to do differently next time. what skills or tools would you need? how can you avoid the negative outcomes in future?

6. action plan (what am i going to do differently?)

use your conclusions to plan for the future. play the scene through in our mind, knowing how you would want to act differently. the most important thing about this last step is to actually follow through on your plan. this makes it possible to assess and fine tune your actions.

let the unconscious help

we store a great deal of information in the unconscious on a daily basis, including everything we notice that is not essential to our goals and survival, and everything that is repressed, denied, and defended against. if we want this store of information to work for us, we need to go through the process of asking helpful questions of ourselves and the situation. you can use the Gibbs model above to guide you through this.

then we want to give the unconscious mind time to mull it over. that means we step away from the process by doing something else, taking a nap, meeting a friend, etc. the problem and its question sit at the back of the mind until a situation arises where we suddenly become aware of a negative attitude, and we’re able to relax it into a warmer, more inviting attitude. in the case of energizing ourselves, we may become aware of the tension the body is holding and breathe into relaxation. in the case of anger, we may suddenly become aware of the sensation of anger in the pit of our belly, and remember that it is what we feel, not who we are. instead of being the anger, we use our awareness to feel into what is wrong or missing and pointing this out, without reactivity.

sleep is a very useful time for mulling. we can revisit our question before going to sleep, allowing the question to resonate (knowing it clearly in consciousness). in the morning, we can make some notes, and stay aware of looking for the answer during the day. the answer may appear in our morning notes, or in a specific situation in our interactions. it may also come through something we read or spontaneously realize.

watching for our own negative inner talk is a very powerful way to develop our reflective and self-awareness skills. how we define ourselves (“fat”, “clever”, “quiet”, “angry”, etc.) has a profound effect on our self-esteem and self-confidence. not only does negative self-talk bring about a negative view of our capacities, it also frames our approach to problem-solving. we feel defeated and avoid reflection and action. if you are aware of a strong inner critic, take some time to read through working with the inner critic.

journalling is really about trapping your worries and fears on a page so you can get on with your day.

Tim Ferriss

self-reflection and working with ourselves is greatly assisted by keeping notes. the sooner we write down new insights, the more we will become aware of them. for example, by simply using “feel” instead of “am” as the verb, we are already changing our attitude. as we said before, “i feel anger,” is very different from “i am angry.” the latter describes my identity, whereas the former describes an emotion. as a result of this disidentification, we can change our behavior, even when we feel anger. we can also become aware of how many assumptions we have about ourselves and others, or how we generalize. “i never do anything right,” cannot be an objectively true statement. we can begin to speak more honestly and clearly. you will find more information on working with an inner critic and cognitive distortions in the emotional intelligence section.

working with ourselves means setting goals, as motivation, and to clarify our focus in terms of what we want to achieve. the SMART model is currently one of the best-known goal setting models. the name is an acronym for the elements that qualify the goal.

SMART goals are:

S: specific, outcomes are clearly defined and unambiguous
M: measurable, you know the criteria that will indicate growth
A: achievable, not based on idealism or fantasy
R: realistic, possible and within your reach
T: time-based, with a clear timeline and prioritization structure.

you have power over your mind — not outside events. realize this, and you will find strength.

Marcus Aurelius

The Work of Byron Katie

great spiritual texts describe the what — what it means to be free. The Work is the how. it shows you exactly how to identify and question any things that would keep you from that freedom.

Byron Katie

The Work is the lifework of Byron Katie, who through deep depression came to four radical questions that can lead to insight in terms of our beliefs. Katie writes that The Work allows us to access the wisdom that is always inside us. whenever we are stuck, confused, or feeling lost in our problems, we can ask ourselves four simple questions and write down our answers:

i discovered that when i believed my thoughts i suffered, but when i didn’t believe them i didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. freedom is as simple as that. i found that suffering is optional. i found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. that joy is in everyone, always. and i invite you not to believe me. i invite you to test it for yourself.

Byron Katie

for Katie, The Work is about “becoming enlightened to who and what you are, the true nature of being.” and all of us have the capacity to do this Work, as the answers are already within us. The Work is a deeper form of shadow-work than what we’ve already introduced, and for Katie it is an ongoing practice that allows us to see more and more about ourselves and others. there are four steps to the process:

1. notice

in your journal, notebook, or a blank piece of paper, write down what upsets you. recall a specific situation and ask yourself why it upset you. go back to the situation, bringing it into now, as vividly as you can. notice, or name, and feel the emotion you are experiencing or were experiencing at the time. find the reason why you were upset and describe it clearly.

2. write

Katie calls this the “judge-your-neighbor” worksheet. we answer six questions, using simple and short sentences. write without censoring yourself and be as childish or judgmental as you feel in the moment. each question may lead us to some deeper insights:

  1. in this situation, who angers, confuses, hurts, saddens, or disappoints you, and why? example: “i am … [emotion] with … [name] because …” (i am angry with Paul because he lied to me).
  2. now we describe what we want: in this situation, how do you want them to change? what do you want them to do? “i want … [name] to …” (i want Paul to see that he’s wrong. i want him to stop lying to me).
  3. what advice would you offer: “… [name] should/shouldn’t …” (Paul shouldn’t frighten me with his behavior. he should take a deep breath).
  4. what is your need: in order for you to be happy in this situation, what do you need them to think, say, feel, or do? “i need … [name] to …” (i need Paul to stop talking over me. i need him to really listen to me).
  5. now it’s time to raise your complaints: what do you think of them in this situation? make a list, and it’s okay to be petty and judgmental. “ … [name] is … “ (Paul is a liar, arrogant, loud, dishonest, and unconscious).
  6. what it is i don’t want to experience again: “i don’t ever want …” (i don’t ever want Paul to lie to me again. i don’t ever want to be disrespected again).

3. question

isolate the core thought (Paul lied to me) and apply the four questions from The Work. as before, we’re still writing down our responses, feeling into ourselves. Katie describes it as meditative, as diving into ourselves. as this is between you and you, focus on noting your responses honestly, and allow time for each answer to arise from your own depths:

  1. is it true? (yes or no. if no, move to question three)
  2. can you absolutely know that it is true? (yes or no — shine the flashlight on that moment again and see what it reveals to you)
  3. how do you react, what happens, when you believe the thought? (close your eyes. what images do you see and what emotions do you feel? how did you treat the other person, and yourself? what reactions do you notice when you believe the thought?)
  4. who or what would you be without the thought? (return to the situation in your mind. reflect on the experience again, now without the thought. how do you see or feel about the other person. drop your judgment to see what is revealed).

4. turn the thought around

finally, we want to turn the thought around. is the opposite maybe as true or truer than the original thought? “i lied to me; i lied to Paul; Paul didn’t lie to me; Paul told me the truth,” are all possible turnarounds for our example. as you visualize the situation, contemplate how each turnaround may be true or truer. if the turnaround does not make sense to you, you don’t need to force it. the turnaround can be:

  1. an opposite: “i don’t listen to myself; i don’t listen to Paul; Paul does listen to me.”
  2. a turnaround to statement six — i don’t ever want Paul to lie to me again: “i am willing for Paul to lie to me again,” or “i look forward to Paul lying to me again.” allow yourself to explore your reflection on those thoughts.

find at least three genuine examples of how these turnarounds may be true in the situation. as Katie writes: “this is not about blaming yourself or feeling guilty. it’s about discovering alternatives that can bring you peace.”

you can read more deeply on The Work in Katie Byron’s recent book A Mind at Home in Itself. you can also find all the worksheets and other tools on Katie’s website.

Byron Katie’s Work is a great blessing for our planet. it acts like a razor-sharp sword that cuts through illusion and enables you to know for yourself the timeless essence of your being.

Eckhart Tolle

contemplation

the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines contemplation as “an act of considering with attention”, and the Oxford dictionary, as “the action of looking thoughtfully at something for a long time”. Wikipedia comes closer to the depth of contemplation when it says: “in a religious context, the practice of contemplation seeks direct awareness of the divine which transcends the intellect, often in accordance with prayer or meditation. in Christianity, contemplation refers to a content-free mind, directed towards God as a living reality.” we already know from the practicing meditation program that meditation, the core practice of Buddhism, is resting in contemplation.

the contemplative mind

contemplation is the highest expression of man’s intellectual and spiritual life… it is spontaneous awe at the sacredness of life, of being. it is gratitude for life, for awareness and for being. it is a vivid realization of the fact that life and being in us proceed from an invisible, transcendent and infinitely abundant Source. contemplation is, above all, awareness of the reality of that Source. it knows the Source, obscurely, inexplicably, but with a certitude that goes beyond reason and beyond simple faith.

Thomas Merton

thinking mind produces conceptual, logical, and scientific truths. and when we bring felt experience into this, it leads to grounded experiential truths. contemplative truth is living truth; the truth that comes through realization of the deep nature of mind. these contemplative truths are of a deeper order, beyond the thinking and felt experience.

the contemplative mind is different from the calculating egoic mind. it reveals a different way of seeing, or a different perspective. contemplation can take the form of meditation or prayer. not prayer in the form of how i can get God to do what i want, but the prayer that moves into the stillness that is God. true prayer, just like meditation, is transformative to the mind.

transformation implies the utter devastation of ego, and ego is very skilled at avoiding this. the devastation often comes in the form of unintended self-humiliation, and initially it is hard to see how profoundly ego is diminished by this. when the small self knows who it truly is, namely an expression of Spirit Itself, it easily lets go of itself. and this process is transformation: realizing the who that i truly am, the Being that is truly indestructible. from the ego’s perspective everything is measured against itself, but from the contemplative perspective it is all about relationship, or relatedness. ego has a center, whereas the contemplative mind has none. ego is about being right, contemplation is about right relating or right connection. in suffering the ego is made more permeable and less defensive. the self is now able to contemplate, it has a broader vision than just egoic sight. we no longer need the perks and the salary; we draw from deep within. the qualities of the contemplative mind are surrender, ease in letting go, and trust in a bigger pattern. the way back to who we really are is through the loss of ego. it's not so much about what we’re doing, than about the who that we identify with when we’re acting, that brings liberation into our lives. the contemplative self draws from the inside, whereas ego is always grasping at or pushing away what it considers to be outside itself.

to enter into contemplation, one must, in a certain sense, die — the death of ego — and this death is the opening into a higher or more encompassing life. the contemplative mind is here right now, it is the Being of our being. it is not something we need to attain, rather we need to access it, again and again. and why should we experience the agony of dying? the reason is simple: to be happy, to know joy as a maintained experience. we may reason that a holiday will accomplish this. but reflect on it deeply. the mind that you are right now is itself going to present on your perfect holiday. whatever makes you unhappy now will also do so on holiday. so it’s not true that the holiday makes us happy. the freedom of contemplation, and the realization of who we truly are, must be found in the now, for that is the only true contemplation. contemplation is a palpable sense; we know the state when we’re in it. and those who experience it knowingly will agree that it is abundant, peaceful, free of effort, and luminous. it is Being, radiating.

in contemplation we learn how to be present. everything is Presence, but if we cannot be present to that, then we are not present. we learn to access what is, rather than distracting ourselves. anyone who makes this practice real will soon realize that the first twenty minutes or so is just a process of continual letting go. mind keeps throwing stuff at us, and all we can do is notice and let go, returning to the object of our contemplation. we have to become the observer, noticing the judgment, resentment, attachment, pain, etc. come up, and simply let it go. we acknowledge the presence of all of it and let it go. we are observing what the mind is doing, and letting go of each doing.

the contemplative self can rest. there is nothing to do, nothing to prove, nothing to attain. there is just the fullness of Being. contemplation is meeting reality in its most simple and immediate form. it has no space for the logical or intellectual mind.

in that contemplative awareness, our own egoic grasping in time comes momentarily to rest. we relax into our basic awareness. we rest with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. we are face to face with the calm, the eye in the center of the storm. we are not agitating to change things; we contemplate the object as it is.

Ken Wilber

contemplation, in its deepest form, is a state of embodiment. we become the object of contemplation. this object can be a word, a concept, an image, a sight, or a sound. for example, i might be contemplating the word “love.” initially there may be thoughts of love, but the essence is finding the feeling-experience of love and being that feeling in this moment. or, i may be walking in nature with a mind that is very free of thought, and suddenly i have a sense of the vivid presence of nature around me, a state where i can experience myself as part of this alive Being and its quiet attention. or, contemplation can be meditation, where, in a content-free mind, we rest in simple direct awareness.

contemplative prayer

be still and know that I am God.

Psalm 46:10

when we think of prayer, we may think of thoughts and feelings expressed to God. contemplative prayer, also known as centering prayer, is an opening of mind and heart to God, beyond words, thoughts, and feelings. within the contemplative Christian tradition, the focus is on deepening our relationship with the living Christ; a “resting in God.”

people like Thomas Keating, Thomas Merton, Richard Rohr, and Cynthia Bourgeault have been instrumental in bringing renewed awareness to the practice of contemplative or centering prayer.

before we enter into this silent prayer, we may choose a word as the symbol of our intention to consent to God’s presence and action within us. words that are typically used include: Jesus, Mary, Father, Mother, Amen, Love, Listen, Peace, Mercy, Let Go, Silence, Stillness, Faith, or Trust. for some people a simple glance towards Divine Presence or noticing one’s breath may be more suitable. whatever we choose, we stick with it for the session of our contemplative prayer.

  1. sitting comfortably and attentively, we close our eyes and introduce the sacred word as a symbol of consenting to God’s presence and action within. we are letting go of what is going on around us, and centering ourselves in re-introducing the sacred word inwardly as gently as laying a feather on a piece of cloth.
  2. whenever thinking arises, we simply return to the sacred word. unlike mantra meditation, we only return to the word when we notice thinking interrupting the state of contemplation. this gentle returning is the only activity that we initiate during the prayer session.
  3. during the course of the session the sacred word may become vague or disappear. we are then simply resting in the presence of God. at the end of the prayer session, we may remain silent for a few minutes, allowing the silence to follow us back into our everyday life.

the three wisdom tools of Buddhism

the man of little learning is as if born blind.
how can he meditate? on what can he reflect?
study then with diligence, reflect and meditate;
through this, vast wisdom will arise.

Ashvaghosha

in Buddhism, realization of truth is the embodiment of truth, and this embodiment depends on the three wisdom tools:

it is through studying, listening, and hearing that we are first challenged to deepen our understanding. this means giving ourselves and our attention to the topic that we are studying, with curiosity and an open mind. understanding something conceptually goes only half the way. true understanding is felt-realized in the bodymind through the processes of reflection and contemplation. as we said before, contemplation is finding the experience of what is being heard or listened to in one’s own consciousness. when the contemplation is established, or when we can feel-know the reality of what we’re studying, we simply rest in this state of meditation.

it is through the wisdom of hearing that we first become aware of our disturbing emotions or thoughts. then, through reflection and contemplation, we overcome these emotions temporarily. it is only through continual meditation on our experience that we finally overcome them fully.

the act of deep listening is an act of love. listening to life as it unfolds moment by moment, with our full presence, is the essence of meditation.

Deborah Tull