attachment theory

we have seen that complex trauma, or C-PTSD, often results from relational or attachment trauma. this means that the relationships between the child and their parents or caregivers were characterized by continuous and repetitive ruptures that were not sufficiently repaired from an early age. the nature of the trauma is not necessarily overt, such that many people who suffer from C-PTSD would not describe their own past as traumatic. rather, the trauma is often subtle and emotional in nature, but it is exactly the constant repetition and lack of repair that form deep defensive grooves in the personality, like paths in a forest that have been walked so often that they become very distinct.

the caregiver-child relationship

after all, when a stone is dropped into a pond, the water continues quivering even after the stone has sunk to the bottom.

Arthur Golden

children are extremely resilient. almost any emotional wound can be repaired by a sensitive and attuned caregiver. however, in the absence of such a caregiver, the child’s resilience is channeled into forming strong defenses against the world, which is experienced as hostile and lacking in care, love, affirmation, and support. many current parenting coaches and therapists advise that, for every piece of constructive criticism or discipline a parent applies, they should aim to provide roughly five instances of praise. this is because children thrive on affirmation, positive feedback, and structure. the structure is important because children inherently want to please their caregivers, and if they know what is expected of them, they can aim to excel within this given structure. if a neurotypical child is given healthy structure and is sufficiently positively mirrored, they naturally develop confidence and healthy self-esteem, learn to self-regulate earlier and more effectively, and display more prosocial and empathic behaviors with their peers and others around them.

this highlights a critical and universal relational human truth: we don’t grow or change for the better when we are criticized, shamed, judged, or punished. we grow when we are understood, supported, affirmed, and given compassionate feedback. this does not mean that parents can’t impose discipline, rather it highlights the difference between discipline — which is positive and relationally based — and punishment — which is negative and fear-based.

many children unfortunately do not have this experience. they are constantly berated for their “bad” behavior (which is really just adaptive behavior, adapted in response to their environment), and ignored when they behave well. this inhibits emotional growth and the development of healthy self-esteem, and leads to one of the most regrettable relational emergences on earth: the parent begins to resent the child for behaving in exactly the ways they have raised them to behave, and the negative relational dynamics are further reinforced.

understanding attachment theory can help us to avoid this poignant reality if we are parents, and if we were subjected to it in childhood, can help us to begin to reparent our own inner adaptive child.

research on attachment theory

the greater a child’s terror, and the earlier it is experienced, the harder it becomes to develop a strong and healthy sense of self.

Nathaniel Branden

Mary Ainsworth — building on theories by previous attachment theorists such as John Bowlby — was one of the first researchers who studied the different types of attachment styles that can result from different types of parent-child relationships. according to attachment theorists there are, broadly speaking, two types of attachment styles, namely secure and insecure attachment. insecure attachment can then be further divided into three subcategories, namely avoidant, anxious/ambivalent, and disorganised attachment. Ainsworth studied attachment patterns in the 1970’s using the Strange Situation experiment, in which a nine-to-eighteen-month-old baby is observed playing in a room while her mother and a stranger periodically enter and leave the room.

secure attachment

this type of attachment style results from a relationship in which the infant uses the mother as a secure base from which to explore the world. the infant is confident enough to venture away from the mother in her explorations, because she knows that (a) her exploring will not cause mother to become distressed (she does not have to take care of her mother emotionally), and (b) that she can return to mother at any time if her exploring leads to distressing discoveries, and mother will be there to provide love, containment, and comfort. when observed in research settings these babies are visibly distressed when their mothers leave the room for prolonged periods (especially if baby is left with a stranger), but are quickly soothed by their return. they will also interact with strangers if their mother is present.

these infants generally grow up to be confident, secure in themselves, and able to relate to others in psychologically healthy ways. in relationships they are able to regulate their own emotions, tolerate frustration, and resolve differences without becoming overly reactive or emotionally unbalanced.

avoidant attachment

in this attachment pattern, the baby does not seem to view the mother as a secure base. in research settings, these babies show no obvious signs of distress when their mother leaves the room. they also show no obvious preference for their mother or a stranger. far from being early signs of independence and actualization, these babies seem to put on a “poker face.” in their demeanour they seem unruffled, but they explore far less than securely attached infants. more recent studies have also shown that their heart rate tends to be higher than securely attached infants, further suggesting that they experience anxiety, but hide it from the outside world.

these infants may grow up to be avoidant in terms of relationships. they may find it difficult to connect with others, and may prefer solitary activities and lifestyles, struggling with intimacy even though they may deeply want to connect, and feeling “trapped” in intimate relationships. they may also develop beliefs about having to solve all their problems by themselves, and may find it difficult to be vulnerable enough to request and receive help. they typically struggle with anxiety.

anxious/ambivalent attachment

in this attachment pattern, the baby seems to view the mother as a base, but not a secure one. these infants are often distressed even before mother leaves the room, and when she returns, they do not settle easily. they have not had the opportunity to internalize the belief that mother will be there when they need her, usually because caregiving has been unpredictable and inconsistent (though not abusive or overtly neglectful). they do not trust that safety and security will always be at hand when the challenges of life come their way.

these infants may grow up to feel very insecure in relationships. they crave intimacy, caring, and nurturing, but have difficulty trusting that they will receive it in relationships. it is very difficult for them to relax into relationships, leading to constant push-and-pull dynamics. they may also “test” their friends and partners to make sure that they are adequately committed to them, as perceived lack of commitment from others may evoke intense anxiety.

disorganised attachment

this is the most disturbing attachment pattern, and is associated with infants who have been subjected to abuse and extreme neglect. as the name suggests, these infants display inconsistent or atypical attachment behaviours, such as inappropriate familiarity with strangers, sexualised behaviours, hurting others, or hiding or cowering from strangers and caregivers.

these infants are at high risk for suffering from severe mental disorders if intervention is not provided. they typically require long-term therapeutic intervention.

healthy relational environment

contemporary attachment researchers like Ed Tronick have confirmed that infants require constant mirroring from caregivers, provided in the context of a loving and caring relationship. when baby is upset and mother responds by investigating with care, possibly saying things like: “what’s wrong? are you hungry? is your tummy sore?” the baby learns gradually to identify their feelings and bodily sensations. as their needs are identified and met by a loving caregiver, they learn that their needs can be met, that they will not be overwhelmed or annihilated by them, and that it is “okay” to have and express needs (infants cannot, of course, understand language. they do seem, however, to be very adept at picking up on the feeling state of the caregiver, as manifested by subtle bodily cues, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc). in infancy, needs need to be met in a timely fashion, otherwise the baby may become overwhelmed with anxiety. as the child grows older (language age), the caregiver is able to say things like: “i know you’re hungry, dinner will be ready in a few minutes” without causing intense anxiety or fear of annihilation. in this way, the child gradually learns frustration-tolerance and self-regulation. similarly, if baby is happily playing and the caregiver responds by mirroring their joy, they learn to express themselves spontaneously and without inhibition. as these securely attached infants grow older, they will learn to regulate their own emotions, having internalized the loving caregiver who identifies needs and then tends to them. they will also be better able to tolerate frustration, to delay gratification, and to relate to themselves and others in healthy ways, manifesting openness, spontaneity, and creativity.

trauma is personal. it does not disappear if it is not validated. when it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. when someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.

Danielle Bernock

unhealthy relational environment

conversely, if a caregiver tends to a baby’s needs while saying (and embodying) things like “you again! always crying, always needing something, why can’t you just be quiet for a minute!” or tends to the baby’s needs but without any emotional mirroring, or tends to them in unpredictable ways, the baby will internalize very different messages. they may, for example, learn that it is not okay to have needs and express them. thus, they may hide their needs, intuiting that to get love and affection they must be a “good, quiet baby.” as they grow older, these individuals may struggle with emotion regulation, not knowing how to process their emotional reactions in adaptive ways. they may also struggle with tolerating frustration, feeling intensely anxious or becoming particularly reactive when their needs are not met timeously. they may even struggle with bodily regulation, e.g., wearing shorts and a t-shirt on a cold day, or being so out of touch with their bodily needs that they forget to eat or fail to get adequate sleep. at the extreme, if there are significant gaps between the expression of baby’s needs and caregiver response (such that baby becomes overwhelmed with anxiety), or the responses are abusive, the baby may simply give up, becoming quiet and non-responsive. this is the most heart-breaking scenario, where the baby has internalized the belief that love and nurturing are simply not available in this world, so there is no use in expressing one’s needs. these subtle relational dynamics are beautifully illustrated by the still face experiment.

hundreds of studies have shown us that children who suffer many adverse life experiences essentially suffer damage to brain development. as their brain grows, the negative impact on their neural systems means their brain is impaired and does not function as it should do. considering it this way – a child suffering a ‘prolonged brain injury’ across the time that they are in a toxic environment – is more accurate than thinking that of their problems as simply ‘insecure attachment’.

Shoshanah Lyons

meaning-making

in other words, attachment theorists argue that we acquire our meaning-making tendencies through interacting with our primary caregivers. our caregivers provide us with constant feedback (or lack thereof) about our internal states, and we internalize this feedback, thus developing internal meaning-making models of our bodily states, feelings, thoughts, and relationships. if the feedback is attuned, we develop realistic and adaptive models. if it is out of touch, then we become out of touch with ourselves and the world, distorting our perceptions based on our skewed inherited meaning-making systems and narratives about the world and others.

these distortions play out in a multitude of different ways. for example, the internalization of a mother who has significant unprocessed stress or trauma may manifest as difficulties with attention, such as ADHD. or, the internalization of a critical father may result in a powerful internal critic, seeking out critical male authority figures, or coaxing criticism out of male authority figures in order to confirm our beliefs about the world (this process of unconsciously coaxing others to “play their role” in confirming our beliefs and internal narratives is called an “enactment”). these manifestations are the products of complex unconscious processes like introjection, projection, and projective identification.

most pervasively, our relationships with our caregivers get internalized and repeated on the inside as the relationship we have with ourselves. if we had dismissive caregivers, we tend to dismiss ourselves; if we had shaming caregivers, we tend to feel shame even when we have done nothing shameful; if we had critical caregivers, we tend to criticize ourselves harshly, even when we have done nothing worthy of criticism. Terry Real — an experienced relationship therapist — describes this as our relationship with our own internal “adaptive child”. he describes how this child gets triggered when we experience situations which remind us of our traumatic past. and when we have not yet done the healing, this child takes control of our responses, and we become reactive and defensive.

in people with C-PTSD, this can happen so frequently that they rarely have the opportunity to experience themselves as healthy adjusted adults. the shame of this then creates a negative cycle, and they become even more avoidant (with shame or sadness) or reactive (with anger). Real invites us to take responsibility for this adaptive inner child, and to begin the reparenting process, which involves providing the positive mirroring and affirmation that we did not receive — or received too little of — as well as healthy boundaries. what this looks like is an internal dialogue with our adaptive child that has the following form: “you are safe, you can rely on me, i will take care of you, but you let me handle this situation, because i can do it better than you.” you can see that, in order to do this successfully, we need to build and reinforce our healthy adult capacities, including mindfulness and self-regulation. this work is challenging, as it is both long-term and minute-to-minute, but if we apply ourselves to it, the rewards can be substantial.

we’ve already quoted Mary Oliver’s poem Love Sorrow, in the self-regulation program and because it describes the process of reparenting so beautifully, we repeat it here:

Love Sorrow – Mary Oliver

Love sorrow. She is yours now, and you must
take care of what has been
given. Brush her hair, help her
into her little coat, hold her hand,
especially when crossing a street. For, think,

what if you should lose her? Then you would be
sorrow yourself; her drawn face, her sleeplessness
would by yours. Take care, touch
her forehead that she feel herself not so

utterly alone. And smile, that she does not
altogether forget the world before the lesson.
Have patience in abundance. And do not
ever lie or ever leave her even for a moment

by herself, which is to say, possibly, again,
abandoned. She is strange, mute, difficult,
sometimes unmanageable but, remember, she is a child.
And amazing things can happen. And you may see,

as the two of you go
walking together in the morning light, how
little by little she relaxes; she looks about her;
she begins to grow.

five trauma acheteypes

she is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.

Judith Lewis Herman

for the complexly traumatized person, the experiences of childhood are more than just vague memories. childhood trauma touches us to the core, not only changing our personalities, but our very brain chemistry, and even our brain structure. vivid sensations, feelings and reactivity may be triggered in relationship, as chaos and fear played primary roles in their upbringing and became the baseline of their functioning. as has already been discussed, relational trauma can manifest in many different ways. contemporary research has identified five archetypes of the traumatized person. each archetype has its own view of the world and employs behavior developed in childhood as adaptations to the traumatizing environment. as is generally the case, defenses that serve to protect us in childhood mostly limit us in adulthood, hence the behaviors that were adaptive in childhood may later be maladaptive or self-sabotaging.

the wild child

in a free-spirited fashion, the wild child turns from their childhood trauma and throws themselves at something, anything, always something novel, and often something highly evocative, trying to escape the emptiness they feel inside. the wild child masks their discomfort or pain behind a wall of chaos and exploration. they are characterized by impulsiveness, and although they may gain the knowledge to heal, they usually do not stop their explorations for long enough to actually do so. it is very hard for them to realize that healing has to be done with quiet, still intention. as a child, the wild child may often be found dwelling on the fringes, living on the edge of their family and seeking comfort and acceptance where they can find it (often outside conventional standards). the wild child runs from their emotion and their responsibilities. they run away from pain, as much as from truth. this behavior is learned when the child grows up in a family where they feel themselves to be the scapegoat. through being ignored they learn to avoid their issues, rather than face them. it is hard for the wild child to do the healing work, as they easily fall into patterns of reckless behavior, running in fear towards anyone or anything that may bring them comfort. it is hard for them to commit and to follow through. the wild child struggles to control their emotional states and can find themselves at odds with legal procedures or authorities due to their tendency towards risky behaviors.

the jester

we may think that the trauma archetypes are all doom and gloom, but the jester defies this stereotype. they realize early that humor and laughter can be a mask and a balm for their pain. they use humor not only as healing, but also as a shield from reality. life becomes all fun and games, and they build a wall of laughter and silver linings, using humor as a confusing armor. the jester does not deal well with emotion, and uses jokes and laughter whenever they get too close to their feelings, employing fun and joviality as powerful intentional tools. true feelings are deeply buried beneath this façade of humor. they may have learned at a young age to act out in order to get attention or fulfil their need for validation. very often they are the soul of the party, but can also appear as the peacemaker in the group, as they tend to seek peace at all costs to avoid confrontation and painful feeling.

the necessary hero

this archetype is marked by their inability to say “no.” the necessary hero takes on the plight of the world in order to feel worthy of love. they often had to take on responsibilities in childhood that they were not emotionally ready for, usually as a result of an absentee caretaker (whether physically or emotionally). self-denying habits tend to dominate the psyche of the necessary hero. they are often the eldest sibling, and take responsibility for their dysfunctional household, thereby becoming a parentified child. overachievement is a common trait, resulting from the need to prove themselves to others in their environment. there is often a loss of self or the sense of a “false self “, since the child molded themselves to suit their environment from such an early age. they tend to deprioritize taking care of themselves as they focus on the needs of others to the exclusion of their own. this often results in burnout, depression, and the mistaken belief that the better they look on the outside, the less they will hurt on the inside.

the aimless wanderer

the aimless wanderer was not allowed to explore themselves in childhood, so this need for exploration manifests in unhealthy ways in adulthood. typically tightly controlled by their parents, the aimless wanderer finds themselves running away from any restrictions, and spending most of their life trying to find a sense of peace or meaning. this may stem from internalized blame (“i’m not doing the right thing”) or learning to avoid dealing with emotions. internalized blame further leads to shame and low self-esteem, and an inability to settle, even in relationship. most aimless wanderers experienced emotional neglect in childhood, so in adult life they become detached from their emotion, seeking invisibility, and avoiding getting too attached to anything or anyone. this prevents them from taking responsibility for their own grounding, their relationships, and their life. they typically suffer from a lack of purpose.

the substitute

there is no comparison between that which is lost by not succeeding and that which is lost by not trying.

Francis Bacon

probably the saddest trauma archetype, the substitute carries their trauma bravely, loving and nurturing everyone but themselves. we now know that emotional and physical nurturing are crucial in childhood. without this, the child fails to thrive and develop in a number of ways. the substitute is the child who steps up to become the caretaker. inherently selfless and emotionally sensitive, the substitute punishes themselves and turns away from the pain eating at them. unlike the necessary hero, these people naturally care deeply and willingly sacrifice or subjugate themselves. as adults they often find themselves locked in dependent relationships with siblings and parents whom they continually support. they pay deep attention to project an image of calm, not showing how they may be burning out or losing sense of their own value. in childhood they felt worthless and only valued for what they had to offer, and this leads to a deep guilt or shame for not taking care of others well enough. they always feel that they should sacrifice more of themselves for others, and never feel that they have done enough.

experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery and emotional acceptance of the truth in the individual and unique history of our childhood.

Alice Miller