cognitive distortions

if your thought is a rose, you are a rose garden; if it is a thorn, you are fuel for the bath stove.

Rumi

there are many ways in which we dupe ourselves. most of us are averse to loss, whilst holding onto gain. most of us experience life as happening to us, not realizing that experience arises from our attentional biases. negative thoughts lead to a negative experience of life. one example is the availability heuristic. through this little thought-distortion we assume that the examples that come most easily to mind are also the most important and prevalent. another is confirmation bias, referring to our tendency to search for and prefer information that confirm our beliefs, whilst also ignoring or devaluing information that contradict our beliefs. the truth is that most of us do not want new information, we want validating information.

what the human being is best at doing is interpreting all new information so that their prior conclusions remain intact.

Warren Buffett

what is cognitive distortion?

cognitive distortions are automatic or habitual thinking patterns that cause us to see reality in a distorted way. they are the ways in which our mind bends reality, keeping us in a negative state of mind. we see reality as when we were a child, but are not aware of doing so. people with a strong inner critic are especially prone to some of these distortions.

the confidence people have in their beliefs is not a measure of the quality of evidence but of the coherence of the story that the mind has managed to construct.

Daniel Kahneman

learn to listen curiously to your own inner self-talk and notice what it is telling you about your relationships and interactions in the world. notice how the inner voice, or thoughts, sometimes give a one-sided description of reality rather than a full picture.

generally, it is helpful to remember that you do not need to believe everything you think. you do not need to make your thinking your reality, but you can still be aware of what you are thinking. with that attitude and increasing mindfulness, we typically quite accurately spot one or more of the following cognitive distortions in our thought or speech patterns.

recognizing typical cognitive distortions

jumping to conclusions

making definite statements about the way things are without sufficient evidence. for example, a young woman who is nervous about an upcoming date receives a message from her boyfriend stating that he needs to reschedule. she interprets this as him not being interested in her. in reality, he was just unskilful at expressing himself and unaware of her sensitivity.

“he wanted to reschedule our date, so he clearly has commitment issues.”

jumping to conclusions can present in two more forms, namely fortune telling and mind reading.

fortune telling

making assumptions about what will happen in the future.

“all this studying won’t help, i’ll just fail the test.”

mind reading

making assumptions about what other people are thinking.

“everybody in the audience thinks i’m a complete idiot up here.”

you can pay attention to how you make sense, assume, interpret or conclude, to notice jumping to conclusions. mind reading is often the result of a simple projection that i’m unaware of. i feel like an idiot and accept that others feel-think that too.

blaming/denying

refusing to be accountable and projecting culpability onto others. rejecting responsibility for own thought and actions.

“this work is late because i had to wait for…”
(when your part could have been done without waiting)

pay attention to how often you blame a consequence on another. notice when you fail to accept accountability.

all-or-nothing thinking (also called splitting)

interpreting reality in extreme ways, not being open to complexity. for example, on holiday a father spends all his time complaining about the room, not even noticing that the kids are enjoying themselves on the beach, thus making the holiday painful for everyone.

“this job is the worst job i could possibly have. i hate it.”

if you typically struggle with this kind of one-sidedness in your thinking, it is helpful to notice the judgment and ask yourself whether the opposite is also true, in some way.

overgeneralization

taking a few examples and assuming that they describe an absolute pattern. drawing broad conclusions based on one experience.

“my last two relationships ended badly: i must be completely incompetent at love."
“i was once bitten by a dog. all dogs are dangerous.”

look for “therefore” thinking or causal thinking, and recognize that patterns of behavior are complex. simple causalities cannot be drawn.

filtering (also called negativity bias)

ignoring important positive facts to come up with a negative faulty conclusion. for example, honing in on negative criticism instead of seeing all the constructive feedback.

“mom and dad always paid attention to you and never to me.”

listen to your speech and thought and look out for words like “always,” and “never,” as they typically indicate child-like oversimplified thought, or magical thinking.

disqualifying the positive

ignoring anything that might get in the way of a negative judgment.

“it doesn’t matter that my boss complimented my work: since i didn’t get the promotion, i’m obviously a failure.”

listen for negativity or one-sided representations of your reality and experience. ask yourself to also express what has been positive about the event.

catastrophizing

concluding that the worst possible outcome is the only possible outcome. for example, a person feeling very overwhelmed at work spends a lot of mental energy worrying about being fired, not being able to look after herself, being homeless, etc. instead of focusing on her time management or communication skills, she becomes more and more unable to do her work.

“i cannot cope, which means i will lose my job and become homeless.”

our fear gets projected as a definite outcome. listen and feel for “fear,” then look into your thinking. are you exaggerating or making things worse than they are?

magnification/minimization

exaggerating or understating a situation. giving more or less emotional weight to inconveniences, setbacks or threats.

“I have to move? This is awful! This will ruin everything I have set up in my life!”

when we are affected (caught in complicated emotion), we typically exaggerate or minimize. if you are aware of being reactive, listen attentively for exaggeration (feeling, facts, evidence) or minimizing (understating your contribution or achievement).

emotional reasoning

assuming something is true because i feel the feeling. a feeling in itself is not a fact and may simply be fleeting.

“i planned the event carefully, but i have a bad feeling, so i know something’s going to go wrong.”

listen to your emotions and feelings. recognize them and bring the necessary self-care.

should/must/ought statements

getting upset because one doesn’t have control or governance over other people’s actions, random events, or basic facts of existence. making demands to have reality the way you see fit. in short, saying “no” to reality.

“that jerk shouldn’t be driving so slowly in the right lane! he should move over!”

these should/must/ought to-statements are often riddled with judgment. if you find yourself using these words, consider re-phrasing what you want to say. your negative approach is painful for you and difficult for others to listen to:

labeling/mislabeling

describing something in a way that prevents it from being clearly seen and often makes it seem much worse than it is. taking one or two events as evidence for a stereotype, and calling another or ourselves names. overusing emotional language.

“i’m a coward and loser, and nothing’s going to change that.”

notice calling yourself, others or situations very limited and particular “names.” these labels are typically negative and an oversimplification of the situation, person or self. ask yourself whether the person also has the opposite quality.

personalization

assuming that a situation or event says something about oneself when it doesn’t. accepting blame even where there’s no logical reason.

“he was late, that means he does not care about me.”

notice where your reasoning includes only your perspective, where another’s behavior is interpreted according to your needs, or where you feel victimized.

what is necessary to change a person, is to change his awareness of himself.

Abraham Maslow

our thinking may also be distorted by fallacies that we harbour but are unaware of. these include:

fallacy of fairness

when we expect life to be fair, as we would define “fair,” we may feel deep discontentment or resentment. the reality is that nature, or life, is not fair.

control fallacy

thinking that you are to blame for things outside your control, or thinking that someone else is responsible for things outside their control.

change fallacy

when you think others should change because of your views, needs, or expectations, or that your happiness is dependent on what someone else does. expecting others to change to make you happy.

self-serving bias

when you think you are responsible for your successes but not your failures.

working with distorted cognition

identify the distortion

notice your thought process and listen to your speech. notice the words and the emotion or charge behind feeling and thought. listen to the information coming from body-language, gesticulation, and tone. if you are a regular journaler, cognitive distortions can also be noticed in your writing. train your mindfulness to be particularly strong in situations that typically lead to reactiveness.

examples of distorted thought:

1. “everybody thinks my dancing looks stupid.” (mind reading)
2. “he’s just saying i’m a dedicated worker because he has to say something positive in the review.” (disqualifying the positive)
3. “i’m scared something will happen to him. he’ll probably be in a car accident.” (emotional reasoning)

notice that these thoughts are not necessarily wrong, but the proof or basis for the assumption is not clear. to your own mind they feel very convincing, not because they are real, but because they’ve been repeated so many times under these circumstances. it has become a habit to think in this over-assuming and disabling way. your first step in working them is simply to notice them and bring an inquisitive mind, willing to explore evidence and assumptions.

rephrase the idea in a more truthful or objective way

when working with thought distortion, it’s necessary to catch yourself, take out all guesswork, undo exaggeration, and include all the facts that matter. restating a habitual thought-pattern into a healthy thought-pattern is often a source of immediate relief, because it allows us to stop battling ourselves.

healthy mindful thought (antidotes or more emotionally honest expressions of the examples above):

1. “i’m worried that other people may judge me negatively because of my dancing.”
2. “my performance review had some discouraging parts in it, but he did compliment my dedication.”
3. “just because i feel scared doesn’t mean that there’s anything to be scared about.”

your task, therefore, is to catch the distortion in your thinking or speech. that’s the first step, which in itself can take a while, and relies on repeated efforts (or strength of mindfulness). the second step is to restate what you said (to yourself or another), in a way that is more emotionally honest. this kind of practice is particularly potent if you have a partner or co-worker with whom you’re willing to share the work you’re doing. by explaining to them what to look for, they will be able to point it out and ask you to repeat what you’ve said in a more emotionally truthful way.

you are not your mind.

Eckhart Tolle

correcting cognitive distortion is ongoing

over time distorted thought patterns may have developed in many areas of our life, and though we may get relief in one area, we need to look out for the same pattern in different circumstances and apply the same practice. in the beginning it may be helpful to write out affirmations or helpful thoughts and remind yourself of them, for example: “a mistake is not a failure, it is a learning process. everyone makes mistakes. others will understand.”

two major benefits derived from this ongoing practice are 1) the immediate relief that is experienced when applying corrective thought, and 2) repeating the new thought-pattern gradually becomes the new way of responding and therefore slowly replaces the thought distortion with mindful clarity of the situation.

typically, these thought distortions happen in the presence of other strong feelings or over-reactions. if this is the case for you, the following pointers in terms of managing strong emotion may be helpful.

take a deep breath before responding

when you feel yourself charged with emotion, taking a deep breath allows you time to notice what is happening, and to create a moment of choice. breathe in slowly, hold the breath for a moment, and release equally slowly. when the body is charged with angry or anxious energy (typically felt as a racing heart, sweating, body-heat, etc), this step is almost a pre-requisite for anything that may follow. in the moment of reaction the mind-body is immensely overwhelmed, and if we can stabilize that moment more quickly, we are more able to respond rather than react.

identify your patterns of overreacting

most people have triggers that may lead to overreaction. these generally include jealousy, envy, rejection, criticism, or control. consider keeping a diary of your reactions and notice patterns that are common. in that way you become more observing and caring of your mind. through the identification of patterns and triggers it also becomes possible to find ways to act differently, and thereby not repeat the same self-sabotaging behavior.

take a broader perspective

• ask yourself how important this situation would be some time into the future. will you remember it tomorrow? one year from now? allow yourself to step back from the situation and see it more objectively.
• remind yourself that this experience is a very common human experience and that in this moment many others are experiencing it too.
• ask yourself what is really in your power to change, and how you can change that.
• are there others that can help you with this? how can you make that request?
• work at self-acceptance and becoming more familiar with your emotions

when we work with thought-patterns, and we are aware of a reaction, we can generally keep the following in mind:

• what is the actual evidence?
• what is the meaning (interpretation) i’m giving to the behavior or circumstance?
• what do i feel and how can i take care of that feeling?
• what are some other possibilities in terms of feeling and thinking?
• what is it that i need, and how can i say that clearly, without demand?
• how can i speak so that i bring more clarity (response) rather than an escalation of painful feelings (reaction)?