working with the inner critic

my mind is a bad neighborhood that i try not go into alone.

Anne Lamott

becoming aware of the inner critic

there are many signs that an inner critic may be at work, even before we’ve started to listen for its voice. you may take days to recover from being criticized. you may have constant struggles with anxiety and depression. you may be aware of how a powerful sense of perfectionism rules your actions. there may be a sense of sadness deep inside, fear of not being good enough, vigilance, and idealism.

this is where the inner critic lives. neurologically, the inner critic is associated with our survival instinct, in other words, our fight/flight/freeze reaction, which is designed to protect us from danger. relationally, it usually stems from a critical caregiver whose voice we have internalized, such that it has become a habitual part of our internal self-talk.

growing up with a reactive or critical parent, or in a household with lots of explosive emotions, can prime us for the development of an inner critic. the parent may have meant well, aiming to teach the child how the world works, but may not have known that it is not in line with how the child works. the child introjects the parental voice in order to ward off criticism or punishment, and this internalized adult voice becomes the child’s way of managing their own behavior, in order to keep them safe. the child therefore carries the critical or demanding parent inside themselves. this results in anxiety, avoidance, and aggression towards self and others. the inner critic hopes to protect you from your fears, but in the end, it simply predicts them, usually in distorted and unrealistic ways. we see what we believe and tell ourselves, and when the inner critic shapes what we see and believe, the world looks like a very harsh and judgmental place. the way to begin to work with the inner critic is to become aware of what we are telling ourselves.

for the person with a strong inner critic there is often a sense of self-deprecation and shame about their past mistakes. they have a strong driver inside them, always telling them what they “must”, “should” and “ought to” do. this driver tends to be sarcastic, blaming, full of fear-inducing projections, and basically unhappy. it is our task to become aware of this driver and its impact on us and those we love.

even when the critic is mild, as in the little poem by Robert Bly below, it still tells us things that are no longer appropriate. it is a scared child in us, and it needs our understanding and care. a significant part of the healing process means forming a relationship with this child who was banished long ago, and providing the care, nurturing and love that they did not receive. however, in order to get there, we first have to become aware of the self-directed criticism, and of the child itself.

one source of bad information

there’s a boy in you about three
years old who hasn’t learned a thing for thirty
thousand years. sometimes it’s a girl.

this child had to make up its mind
how to save you from death.
he says things like: “stay home. avoid elevators. eat only elk.”

you live with this child but you don’t know it.
you are in the office, yes, but live with this boy
at night. he’s uninformed, but he does want

to save your life. and he has. because of this boy
you survived a lot. he’s got six big ideas.
five don’t work. right now he’s repeating them to you.

Robert Bly

much protective self-criticism stems from growing up around people who wouldn’t or couldn’t love you, and it’s likely they still can’t or won’t. in general, however, the more you let go of the tedious delusion of your own unattractiveness, the easier it will be for others to connect with you.

Martha Beck

listen to and reframe your self-talk

right now, as you’re reading this sentence, turn your attention to the breath and simply notice the breathing pattern, as you read. can you feel how you are observing yourself? maybe the reading becomes slower but with deeper attention. yet, it is possible to know the breath whilst reading.

now, turn inward and ask yourself what you are thinking or talking about in your mind. what is your narrative about what you’re reading? again, notice how the listening inside is from an observing position, and you can discern the commentary. when we begin to listen to our own story, it is easy to see the correlation between what we are telling ourselves and what we are experiencing. when we tell ourselves that we’re anxious, we act accordingly. the body-mind takes on the shape of the emotion. reactive statements such as “i can’t,” “if only,” “i should,” “he makes me feel,” etc., can be reframed, as in “i will,” “i choose to,” “now that this has happened,” “i can,” etc. when you notice a negative or disempowering statement about yourself, restate it with a more empowering statement. also be aware of disempowering rhetorical questions like “why me?” replace these with “what do i want to do about it?”

actively bring your attention to your own speech and become aware of the tone you use in different situations. tone reflects the way of relating. a harsh tone reflects anger or disgust, and a soft tone can be affectionate, soothing, or calming. it is the same with the tone we use with ourselves. much of the time we’re pushing ourselves along our responsibilities with this inner talk. and in times of stress, conflict or transition, the tone can become aggressive, critical and even scolding.

i am continuously struck by how frequently the various thought processes of the inner critic trigger overwhelming emotional flashbacks. this is because the PTSD-derived inner critic weds shame and self-hate about imperfection to fear of abandonment, and mercilessly drives the psyche with the entwined serpents.

Pete Walker

working with cognitive distortion

cognitive distortions tend to be active in self-critical people. if you have not yet read our program on cognitive distortions and how to work with them, now might be a good time. the distortions that tend to be most present in a self-critical attitude will include:

mind reading: assuming that you know what others are thinking.
overgeneralization: making predictions about the future based on incomplete evidence.
magnification: exaggerating your emotions or experience.
catastrophizing: predicting the most catastrophic outcome (usually as a result of feeling anxiety).
minimization: being dismissive of your strengths and positive qualities.
emotional reasoning: making decisions or predictions based on how you feel, rather than what is.
personalization: assuming excessive responsibility when things are out of your control.
should statements: language rich with words like “should,” “must,” or “ought to.”

our aim is to notice these distortions in our speech. when we do, the focus is on reframing what we’re saying to ourselves, or another, in a more objective and honest way. when we notice that the inner critic is speaking we can challenge this thinking and replace it with thinking that is healthier and more objective. you’ll find more examples in the program on cognitive distortions. sometimes people say, “but i have to listen to me! i have to take myself seriously.” the real you is not the voice in your mind. the real you is that which notices the distortion and corrects it.

self-acceptance

self-awareness without self-acceptance is simply turning on your inner judge or critic. when we judge, we see what is wrong and neglect what is right. there’s a simple test to see where you are on that spectrum. take a hand-mirror, big enough to include your full face, and look at yourself with care and attention for about three minutes. watch what is happening in your thoughts and self-talk. notice whether you can maintain eye-contact. if maintaining eye-contact is difficult, bring your curiosity there. are you judging yourself and seeing what is “wrong” with you? might there even be a sense of disgust? this practice is a good way of becoming aware of the typical attitude you hold towards yourself.

keep looking into the mirror, and see whether you can feel compassion for this person and the path they’ve walked.

is your face a representation of that path?

when we judge our actions, we end up being defensive, aggressive, blaming and ruminating. each of these behaviors adds more stress, and can become very deeply ingrained habits. when we see ourselves with more compassion (meaning we understanding why we did as we did, and are able to hold the feelings that arise), we’re more able to discern and appraise the situation honestly, in a way that can lead to problem solving. research indicates that people who live with self-acceptance more easily focus on their goals, rather than being trapped in self-recrimination. we cannot change the past, but we can change our perspective on it. we can be more self-forgiving, understanding and empathic with who we are. this does not mean that we don’t do self-work where it is necessary. it just means we begin with a mind that is not coming from the critic. you can see how necessary the practices of mindfulness and self-awareness are in doing this work.

harvesting the energy of the critic

if you are serious about this work, keep a journal of your experiences, as detailed as possible, and read back periodically so that you can recognize patterns. notice patterns around eating, sleeping, and overwhelm. recognize the ways in which your critic typically presents (scolding, fearful, shame, worry, etc.) now turn to a problem-solving attitude (see our program on self-regulation). plan, analyze, and reflect, rather than obsess or ruminate. what is it that needs to be accepted? what is it that seeks change? where do you need to focus in order to become more aware and contain the inner critic? what can you say to yourself in places where the critic is too vocal? experiment with different methods and find the ones that work for you. follow through on your reflections and embody the changes you want to make. be open-minded and willing to apply yourself.

you will need encouragement, so share this work with the people who love and support you. tell them what you’re working with and ask them to challenge you or support you. they might be very happy to encourage you, as a change in behavior might also be a relief for them. encourage others — you will be surprised at how much energy you get from doing so.

get to the root of your beliefs

when we have distorted cognition, we also have deeply set beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. behind every strong feeling there is a belief, and this forms the reason for your reaction. what is this belief you carry? what is it that upsets you so deeply, and why? ask yourself the following questions:

• where does the belief stem from?
• where/when did i feel this feeling the first time? (where does this thought or belief come from in past experience?)
• what am i saying about myself, another, or the situation, and what is my thinking behind it?
• where and in what circumstance is my belief not true? (here you may want to include others’ view of you, even if you do not feel that way yourself. their perspective is an equally valid perception).
• provide counter evidence (especially when you hear yourself say “never,” or “always,” which are magical thinking terms and therefore an example of cognitive distortion). when is your belief not true?
• if you believe you’ve made a mistake, try to approach your reasoning with curiosity and understanding. why did you do what you did? how do you want to approach this kind of situation next time?

realize that the critic is not you

the critic is an introject from your childhood, a whole set of beliefs, rules, and conventions planted in you by your upbringing, a construct that you created to survive your childhood. back then, the beliefs and the critical voice tried to defend you from difficulty, and was probably quite adept at doing so. now things are different. the inner critic is just an ingrained habit that has no place in your adult life, yet still lingers. much of it is unconscious, until we begin to pay attention. realize that you can have your own mind. you can reflect on your actions and you can make decisions to change or strengthen them. who do you want to be in the situations that trigger or scare you? what do you want to say or do, to bring clarity? when we become adept in managing the inner critic, we learn to dialogue with it in the moment of difficulty. we notice the critic in our speech or attitude and immediately begin to guide ourselves back to this moment, and the choices we want to make about it.

perfectionism

perfectionism stems from the need to make oneself better, to perfect the imperfect self. it plays a central role in conditions like eating disorders, IBS, and fibromyalgia. the thought processes of those who have this tendency tend to be dominated by rumination on what is wrong, and rehashing how things should be — or have been — otherwise. the person experiences a lot of anxiety and emotional preoccupation. they may also procrastinate. if mistakes are unacceptable, it is hard to begin to work with yourself. the perfectionist is just the critic’s role. when you notice perfectionism in yourself, you can be sure that the critic is active. here the work is to learn to listen to the critic’s standards or needed outcomes, and then give eighty percent. for most people who have perfectionistic tendencies, the concept of “good enough” is so unacceptable that it induces a cringe-response, yet leaning into "good enough" is one of their most transformative practices. through repetition of this approach, the critic is overcome, slowly but surely. you’re creating the person you want to be, not who the inner critic is telling you you “should” be.

perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.

Anne Lamott

what is good about my bad?

you don’t need to ignore what you regard as “wrong” with you, but you can also learn to state what is “right” about you. realistically, our lives are a mixture of “bad” and “good” as a result of our expectations or illusions. whenever a good feeling comes around, notice it and allow yourself to feel the goodness. it does not make you selfish or lazy, it makes you real. listen to your speech and notice where you need to change your language, or your attitude.

the point of the exercise is to replace self-defeating language with an expression that is more objectively true about the situation, including seeing how i can use my “bad,” in a good way.

nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.

Shakespeare

shame and self-loathing

as i look back on what i’ve learned about shame, gender, and worthiness, the greatest lesson is this: if we’re going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light.

Brené Brown

when we feel we’ve done something wrong, the emotion is guilt. when we feel that we are wrong, the emotion is shame. both of these states are easily repaired by simple admission and not repeating the action. on the other hand, toxic shame and self-loathing leave us wounded, and we continually scratch and pick at this wound. toxic shame is ongoing, and leads to the belief that we are broken and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. self-loathing means we hate who we are without trying to understand and support ourselves. we treat ourselves with a lack of respect, or allow others to do so.

these emotions slowly erode self-esteem and the person’s world will typically shrink as their avoidance intensifies. if they would just once allow themselves to talk about their shame and allow the vulnerability of exposure, the whole pattern could begin to change. we tend to think of vulnerability as a weakness, but with the right person, at the right time, it can be a catalyst for the most powerful growth. to be seen can be painful, and yet also deeply healing. it is unlikely that the people in your life feel you have no worth. they are part of your life because you’re meaningful to them. to be seen and accepted by another, when we cannot accept ourselves, is healing and liberating.

yes, we are totally exposed when we are vulnerable. yes, we are in the torture chamber that we call uncertainty. and yes, we’re taking huge emotional risk, when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. but there’s no equation where taking risks, braving uncertainty, and opening ourselves up to emotional exposure equals weakness.

Brené Brown

self-kindness

given that the inner critic is a little scared child that lives inside us, our most impactful approach may be not to try to change ourselves but simply love ourselves more. what does this mean in terms of changing our actions? this is not a process based on noticing and altering, rather a softening of the gaze and the attitude. i still notice my inner talk, but instead of replacing speech, i come towards myself with care. instead of changing the distortion, i allow it to be the place where i come closer to myself, where i realize there is a need and respond to this need. later we will focus more deeply on self-compassion. for now, we can just try to grasp its form and intent.

self-kindness is based on the action or attitude of kindness, mindfulness, and awareness of common humanity. in the moment where i notice my harshness or inner criticism, i can take a deep breath and relax the body. i can also relax the mind and become fully present to my inner state. i can see myself as part of humanity, a person who makes mistakes, just like everyone else. one who is suffering right now in a way that so many are suffering. i am not alone, and i can see myself learning, instead of failing.

one way of practicing this self-kindness is to ask yourself what you would have said and how you would have been to a friend in similar circumstance. if they were suffering in the way you are, what would you say to them? can you show yourself the same degree of warmth and caring as you would them?

another way you can use self-kindness in difficult situations or reactiveness is to allow yourself in the moment of self-criticism to focus on a part of your body that is touching another part. this may be a hand on your leg, a hand over your heart, or hands folded over one another. feel the warmth of this touch and allow yourself to relax into this sensation. allow the goodness of the situation to carry you through the difficult moment.

self-judgment causes anxiety and lowers mood, which in turn escalates escape behaviors like avoidance and substance abuse. or we can remove the judgment, realize that the moment has already passed, and realize that being gentle with ourselves and others is the way forward that results in the least suffering.

self-compassion should not be mistaken for narcissism or self-indulgence. we are not treating ourselves, but directly caring for ourselves. in some people, the inner critic makes them feel guilty if they do anything other than self-sacrifice in order to please others. in such individuals, self-compassion does not equate to role-reversal, using others, or getting even. it simply means including the self in the attitude of compassion. if compassion is only shown outwards, it is not complete. but when we show the same degree of compassion to ourselves that we do to others, then we begin to experience compassion fully.

notice if you are using the above as a stick to beat yourself with, for not being compassionate enough towards yourself. if you are, notice that you are now simply repeating the cycle of identifying with the inner critic. hold the inner critic in awareness, realizing that their voice is not the truth, and that you do not have to identify with it. now feel the freedom and openness of the space from which you can hold this witnessing perspective. stay in that space for as long as you like, realizing that it is closer to who you truly are than any voice inside your head, including the voice of the inner critic.

you yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Sharon Salzberg