empathy

with emotional empathy we feel what the other person does in an instantaneous body-to-body connection. this empathy depends on a different muscle of attention: tuning in to another person’s feelings requires we pick up their facial, vocal, and a stream of other nonverbal signs of how they feel instant-to-instant.

Daniel Goleman

we're born empathetic

we are born with functioning empathy. we see it easily in the behavior of young children, but often, sadly, less so in adults. recent neural research has revealed that our brain naturally has the capacity for empathy, and it is most expressed in mirror neurons. mirror neurons are part of the motor command neurons (instigating action) and are found in the frontal lobes of the brain. they participate in the imitation and emulation of actions. when we “mirror” the behavior of others, we feel their emotion or action. and when we laugh or cry during a play or movie, we are feeling the actor’s emotional activation. let’s look at a conversation between two friends and begin to glimpse what empathy is (i think-remember-confabulate the text to have come from a website on non-violent communication. thank you to the writer.)

Tanya and Anita, who are in their twenties, meet for lunch one Friday after not having talked with each other for two months. Tanya began in delight. "i saw Ben yesterday. you remember Ben? i told you about him last time." Anita acknowledges, "sure. you met him a month before our last lunch and found him attractive." "that's right," Tanya says, eyes sparkling. "since then i've learned that he's good for me. we've been seeing a lot of each other lately and getting close. i'm excited!" as Tanya begins to pour out the details of her recent experiences with Ben, Anita thinks to herself: “i was going to tell her about my super vacation plans, but this relationship sounds really important to her. i'll wait and listen to her news first.”

notice how Anita has an equal need to speak. she is aware of her need, but makes the choice to rather keep listening. she pays attention to the emotive, and decides what needs attention more urgently.

five minutes later, Tanya concludes with her announcement. "last Tuesday he told me he loved me", followed by her exclamation, "i couldn't believe it!" after listening for the entire time without saying a word, Anita says, "wow!"

notice how Anita is using the expression of “wow,” to indicate that she feels the “wow” Tanya is describing.

"i still can't believe it," Tanya says. "i didn't know what to say. i still don't know what to tell him." "i don't understand," Anita says. "did he expect you to say how you felt about him?"

notice the clarification Anita seeks, and the vulnerability with which she indicates not understanding. not only does she want to grasp the emotions, she also makes sure that she understands conceptually.

Tanya responds "i didn't think so but i wanted to say something and yet i didn't want to. i'm confused." her face changes from pink to pale and she stops talking. "it's hard for you to talk about this," Anita responds. "i didn't think it would be so hard but i do want to tell you," Tanya says. "I, uh, I feel strongly about Ben." she struggles to speak but again stops, and her face turns paler. after waiting ten seconds, Anita says "and what else?" she resumes being quiet and waits for Tanya to regain her ability to speak.

now a lot of things are happening, all made space for because of Anita’s empathy. Tanya wants to talk but cannot. her face reveals her internal struggle, both in expression and colour. Anita leaves some time and then ask more directly. then, she simply waits.

sixty more seconds pass and then Tanya's jaw tightens as she says, "i want to tell you how i really feel about him. he's a wonderful man and i'm, uh, i'm very fond of him." she pauses. "i'm more than fond of him. i, uh, i, uh, i love him. there, i finally said it. whew!" as she listens to Tanya open up emotionally, Anita develops a lump in her throat and a warm feeling in her chest. she gulps, pauses to collect her thoughts, and softly says, "it's hard for you to talk about your love for Ben."

notice how Anita allows all the space for Tanya to muster up the courage in speaking her truth. she is simply aware of where Tanya is at and allowing her to be right there, feeling with her. finally, she concludes by summarizing what she’s experienced, without making it right or wrong.

"definitely," Tanya says. "after Tuesday, i decided that the next time i saw him i would tell him how i felt about him. well, the next time came and i still couldn't tell him. there must be something seriously wrong with me." Anita..."so, no matter how hard you try, you can't tell him you love him, and you feel awful about yourself because you can't."

listen to how Tanya now opens more deeply, trusting that she will not be judged. then she judges herself. listen to how skilfully Anita corrects her, by stating what is happening right now, without making it right or wrong, she separates the information from the interpretation.

"right!" Tanya says. "i've been keeping it to myself and becoming terribly upset about it. i'm glad i told you because you didn't criticize me for not speaking up. your understanding touches me." her face relaxes and begins to regain its color. with affection in her eyes and gentleness in her voice, Tanya says, "i feel better. thanks for letting me talk." "Glad to do it", Anita says. her face brightens as she says "now i want to tell you about a two-week vacation in Cape Cod i'm planning, which i can't wait to begin." she leans forward and delightedly describes her plans to Tanya, who, because of no longer being upset, is able to listen attentively.

notice how Anita remains with Tanya until she gives a clear signal of having finished. and note that holding the space for Tanya does not mean that Anita does not get to speak about what is important to her. in fact, now her friend can appreciate it more deeply.

empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself.

Mohsin Hamid I

we can understand empathy

Jewish spirituality has a beautiful saying: “when my brother cries, i taste salt.” this expression encapsulates the three aspects of empathy.

the cognitive aspect of empathy is understanding others within their frame of reference or circumstance. contemplating how i might feel in similar circumstance is not, by itself, empathy, but often a subtle form of fear we will meet in sympathy. the word “empathy” seems to have derived from two sources. in Greek it derives from “em” which means “in” and “pathos” is “feeling.” literally “in-feeling.” in German it derives from the word “einfühling,” which means “feeling into.” this feeling into is so direct that the body may exhibit the signs of emotional agitation like sweating, blushing, paling, etc.

empathy means grasping cognitively and emotionally what others are going through. it seeks to support, to be there with others. increasing our empathy means that we treat people like they want to be treated, rather than how we want to treat them. it also means grasping the person’s needs and resolving conflict. empathy focuses on understanding and emotional holding. being with others in their experience has the intent of alleviating the loneliness that one feels in pain. we are not trying to take the pain away, but to simply stand with our friend.

empathy isn’t a thought. it’s not an emotion. it’s an experience, and epiphany. it’s a way of seeing. a purer and truer way. with empathy, you are in everything, and everything is in you.

Umair Haque

we can also feel it

empathy is not sympathy

when we offer advice as a person expresses their problem, we basically say: “i’m uncomfortable with the feeling you have (and might be triggered in me), therefore here is what you can do. can we now move on?”

the highest form of knowledge ... is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world.

Bill Bullard

sympathy is non-engaging. it acknowledges the suffering, but then offers a solution, advice, or recrimination. empathy, on the other hand, is closely engaging. i have the willingness to feel your pain with you, and believe that to be the best way to support you.

“what if they’re trying their best?” is the sympathizer’s rationalization. it is a good question to ask, but empathy goes deeper. i’m upset with the outcome of a project but instead of sweeping it under the carpet of “doing their best,” i choose to go deeper in my reflection. a better question is "how is their behavior an indication of their suffering?” anger is often the expression of unprocessed sadness and grief. jealousy may be the painful experience of insecurity, and withdrawal shows fear. our deepest cruelty is our denial around the despair of others.

when we fully engage in empathy, we draw on skills for self-regulation. in doing so, we are also supporting emotions that can be stressful. thus, the beneficial side effect of being fully engaged empathically is that we can be exercising good control over our emotions, taking care of our own stress.

when we start living in empathy, there is the realization that nothing is anyone else’s problem. everyone suffers, and everyone can be attended to with empathy. in empathy we make space for others. we notice when they answer with an automatic response, and we probe deeper. “how are you really?” “what about ... in your life?” everyone’s problem affects us in some way, and we can just as well go the whole journey. in this way, we slowly create a sense of being. not only running after our own agendas, but standing still long enough to feel, with yourself, or with another.

too little and too much empathy

with not enough empathy, we are easily labelled as anything from emotionally disconnected to narcissistic. for this person, it is essential to first connect to their own emotions, which will also help them to understand the emotions coming from others. conversely, with too much empathy, we become emotionally burnt out or co-dependent. for this person it is important to learn the balance between empathy and objective information in certain situations, so that they can take care of their own well-being.

through empathy, we are able to directly feel into the other’s world, based on their facial, vocal and other non-verbal signs of how they feel from moment to moment. empathy is often described as mirroring another’s behavior. however, we have to be careful here, because it is possible to mirror behavior without really being empathetic. here are some of the typical unconscious behaviors that may look like empathy but are not.

shallow emotions, or always "happy"

the person may be out of touch with their own emotions, and quite fearful of negative emotion. the person who displays compulsive cheeriness and optimism may have an understanding of empathy, but actually behave in a self-serving way. “you have to feel what i feel, and we cannot feel bad.”

i do not ask a wounded person how he feels, i myself become the wounded person, my hurt turns livid upon me and i lean on a cane and observe.

Walt Whitman

distractions

the person who struggles to have empathy for themselves and others will often have some “go-to” behaviors that are self-soothing, but in an unhealthy way. for example, consuming often serves as an escape from painful feelings. other forms include self-medicating, workaholism, endless busyness, numbing out, or not being present.

the fixer hero

some of us are forever fixing the problems of others, keeping ourselves manically busy, pushing ourselves and others relentlessly on a self-improvement plan. here the fixing has become the main distraction, and is deeply addictive. i exert myself or give advice endlessly to get positive feedback, rather than providing what is really needed.

baiting

i’m seemingly interested in you, or another, but it is to have enough gossip for my next cocktail party. i use empathy to gain information, rather than to feel with. this is, of course, not empathy, but it poses as such in order to gain advantage. real empathy would not speak about another’s pain, as it would respect the person’s boundary.

the sensitive listening that needs to be right

in this case we’re dealing with the person who is listening with deep attention to what you are saying, but having no sense of the feelings that you’re trying to convey. this typically leads to the person having a convincing case ready when their turn to speak comes. they are listening attentively in order to be able to pick apart your “argument” and prove you wrong, or pick up on everything you fail to do well, without seeing what you are doing well. this can be very painful for the other, especially if they are a feeling person, and it clearly indicates that the listener has their conceptual intelligence at hand, but not their emotional intelligence.

yesterday i was clever, so i wanted to change the world. today i am wise, so i am changing myself.

Rumi

cultivating empathy

Gabor Maté, a medical doctor specializing in trauma and substance abuse, suggests that we compassionately inquire from another. here are the pointers he gives to describe the process:

• safety is not the absence of threat, but the presence of being held, even in threatening spaces.
• compassion is supporting the recognition of wholeness.
• cultivate unconditional determination to understand others, so that they can understand themselves.
• cultivate presence with acceptance.
• point out when others are not kind to themselves.
• reflect the kind of language that is being used (unconscious metaphor).
• ask yourself: why would the person express themselves in this way (understanding rather than judgment), and how can i promote healing?
• as therapist/counselor/facilitator, you’re not there to make them feel better, but to make them better at feeling.
• that means dealing with what is present, and it can come in the form of fierce compassion (you’re not afraid of the pain that would come up for the person when they see their pain — and not afraid of helping them hold it).
• we are not there to do symptom control, but rather to allow the pain to unfold itself into its wisdom or truth.

how do i practice?

when we feel accepted and validated, we trust more deeply. everyone has the capacity to develop their empathy, and the quickest way is by paying deep attention to the processes of speech, sensing, and inquiry. the first thing we notice about empathy is that the person is truly present. their full attention and respect are their first gift. we’ll notice that the person is practicing active listening. they are reflecting with the speaker, checking for the correctness of what they perceive. “what i’m hearing you say is…” “it sounds like…” they encourage with questions, and are deeply attuned to others’ body-language and tone. the empathic person pauses often to clarify or inquire. they typically ask questions rather than offering advice. they use inclusive pronouns, like “we,” or “us.” they’re able to imagine others’ point of view (perspective-taking).

existentially, we fear being alone, and biologically, we suffer when we feel disconnected. empathy fosters the attachment that offers both existential and biological nurturance, for both parties.

begin by asking yourself the following questions after a conversation with another:

• what is their perception of the occurrence?
• what is troubling them?
• what were the emotions expressed and felt whilst talking?
• what emotions did i feel?
• what do others need from me?
• think about a time when you may have experienced things similarly, and answer the same questions in terms of your experience.

be open-minded

listen to understand, without preconceptions or jumping to conclusions. know that everything you need to know will show itself in the conversation. your focus is solely on the other, and specifically, feelings. remember that you are not responsible for their feelings, they are. you can, however, support them. be aware of your own defensiveness or guardedness. notice your biases and choose for them not to be important right now. all that is important right now is to stay on track with their process, and to be there for them.

be vulnerable to your own body's experience

be aware of your authentic emotions, and let the body express, as long as it does not become disruptive to the listening. be prepared to feel deep emotion, both yours and theirs. let yourself be in emotion, without losing clarity or feeling overwhelmed. remember that, for the moment, it is not about your emotion, but theirs. you can also be clear about what you’re feeling, as long as you remain close to their feeling.

by listening with calm and understanding, we can ease the suffering of another person.

Thich Nhat Hahn