anxiety and depression

anxiety and depression are the two most prevalent mental health conditions in our current society. much of this is due to our collective and generational trauma. this trauma has become normalized, and consequently, we fail to see the immense impact of it on our perception and functioning. most people live in quiet despair with anxiety and depression, often suffering from both (depression can present with anxiety, and long-term anxiety can lead to depression). thankfully, many of the methods of working with one also translates to the other.

anxiety is part of life

anxiety is so much a part of who we are that without it we would not survive or evolve. however, in its more severe and unhealthy forms it is a debilitating condition that can lead to panic attacks and a constant sense of dread. Kierkegaard likens the feeling of anxiety to standing on the edge of a tall building or cliff. there is the deep arousing of fear of falling, and simultaneously, a terrifying impulse to jump. for Kierkegaard, the anxiety springs from the awareness of our choice to jump or stay put. in other words, from the fact that we have a choice.

the same thing happens when we have access to too many possibilities, which Kierkegaard calls the “dizziness of freedom.” each possible path precludes the others, and being aware of the curtailing of these potential paths leads to anxiety.

the very action of being creates anxiety. we constantly have to choose between becoming and destroying, and without this choice, there could be no becoming. in the act of choice, we become the choice, and at the same time, we destroy the other possibilities. the process of individuation is the healthy response to this being-anxiety. when we treat unhealthy anxiety, we need to understand that anxiety is not a negative feeling, but the very sense of possibility and potential. what creates suffering is our negative response to this feeling-sensation. our attempts to get away from or defend against or resist the feeling-sensation of anxiety is what causes our suffering. from this perspective, the treatment of anxiety means engaging with the anxiety, allowing for the process of knowing and learning about ourselves. the more we know about our anxiety, the more we can steer it and use it as a motivator, rather than a problem. our emotional intelligence program contains information about anxiety and some of the methods of working with it. this program heads towards the deeper aspects of working with anxiety.

learning to know anxiety is an adventure which every man has to affront… he therefore who has learned rightly to be in anxiety has learned the most important thing.

Soren Kierkegaard

basic mental health for anxiety

for many of us, stress leads to worrying and ruminating, until we feel chronic anxiety or panic. this habit, in turn, can lead to self-doubt and depression. we try to suppress the painful feelings while failing to see how thought gives rise to them, and we feel ashamed for not coping. if the pattern persists, self-esteem breaks down and we feel victimized. when we begin to work with our thoughts and feelings, it is important to remember that bad habits lead us down a slippery slope, and good habits have the opposite effect. the most effective habits include self-regulating our thought processes, balancing our mood, and staying mindful.

to a large degree, tending to — or failing to tend to — our mental health is a patterned habit. we may not be aware of this because most of our habits were engrained in childhood, and now play out as an unconscious reactive patterns. it is imperative to become aware of these patterns and how they operate. when we experience unhealthy or continued anxiety, we need to become aware of our triggers, and get to know the patterns of behavior, feeling, and thinking that will unfold if we are triggered. we have to undo the unhealthy anxiety habits and replace them with healthy responses until these have become our new, conscious habits. we are not trying to eliminate the experience of anxiety, as this is unrealistic. our aim is that the experience of anxiety becomes the very moment of awareness that triggers a healthy response. in this way, we become an inner parent to our own anxious inner child, and we support them through the process. our anxiety becomes alertness and awareness. this mindfulness is key to understanding and remedying our anxiety and its process. let’s look at some of the healthy practices that underlie the treatment of anxiety.

restore a healthy sleeping pattern

most anxious people have problems with sleep, and this has an impact on staying productive, focused, and healthy, and managing emotion, forming a vicious cycle. sadly, we cannot will ourselves to sleep, as the attention it takes to be willful keeps us awake. we can, however, use tools and learn practices to quieten our mind, and use these to combat insomnia. methods that are very helpful include yoga nidra, deep muscle relaxation, restorative yoga, and somatic trauma treatment techniques. we can also accept the difficulty of insomnia, and use the awake time to do some work or engage in a hobby that may naturally lead to sleepiness. we simply remain focused on creating a healthy sleeping pattern, and accept the difficulty as part of our growth.

get regular exercise

regular exercise helps us to sleep better, function more optimally, and maintain general health. this basic health underlies our mental health, and without it, we suffer psychologically. in terms of anxiety management, one of the most important functions of exercise is that it helps us to meet discomfort with attention and activity. this helps us to be more resilient, and establishes a pattern for leaning into difficulty and adjusting to it. this is most important when we deal with unhealthy anxiety and depression. our habitual pattern is to try to get away from the anxiety, but it is only through engaging and adapting that we can overcome the fear.

learn to not avoid experience

our expectations and personality can lead us to fear danger in the face of objectively innocuous situations. if we get into the habit of avoiding these situations, we lose the ability to adjust to our experience, and we teach ourselves that things that are merely difficult are actually dangerous. as with any form of addiction, short-term relief— in the form of avoidance— leads to long-term anxiety. we feel inadequate because we did not learn how to cope. we can learn to stay engaged and feel-know our way into the anxiety. in this way, we do the necessary learning about the task at hand, and we deal with the actual problem, namely the anxiety itself. we also learn that our anticipatory anxiety is not very good at predicting what will happen, and this helps us to slowly undo unhelpful negative beliefs (see below under depression).

recognize and acknowledge your anxiety early

the earlier we can recognize our anxiety pattern, the sooner we can deal with it. you can see the importance of mindfulness here. be aware of brushing off or ignoring problems, and using distraction to focus away from them. it is mindfulness— the nonjudgmental witness of everything we experience— that tells us what is happening in our own mind. minor worries that could have been sorted out easily can become avalanches of anxiety if they are ignored. learn to be mindful, self-aware, and honest with yourself. see your anxiety as an opportunity to understand more deeply and address what is needed. and remember, mindfulness does not mean thinking about, worrying about, or ruminating. it is the quiet attention that notices these processes and enables us to change course.

express your feelings and needs assertively

anxiety is often a sign of an unmet need or unexpressed feeling. our holding back creates the anxiety, and then we worry instead of engaging with the moment and finding an adaptive response. as we discussed in the programs on self-regulation and problem management, the best approach is to focus on what can be done, rather than on what is wrong. rather than asking ‘how can i stop my anxiety?’ we can ask ‘how can i learn more about this anxiety?’ ask yourself what you really want in this situation, rather than focusing exclusively on why you are feeling so anxious. assertiveness is often a very useful antidote to anxiety (see our program on boundaries and assertiveness).

expand your emotional awareness and vocabulary

expressing the experience of anxiety to ourselves and others is most helpful. when we can express the source of our own anxiety, we’re identifying the trigger, or the real cause. we also learn to be clearer about our thoughts and feelings, to correctly identify our emotions, and to watch for cognitive distortions. this helps us to see our problems with much greater clarity, and to deal with them more effectively. you can learn more about recognizing and expressing emotion in our programs on self-awareness and deepening self-awareness.

just like a low resting heart is the byproduct of intense exercise, low anxiety is the byproduct of intense self-examination.

Naval Ravikant

some reasons for continual anxiety

if we want to understand our unhealthy anxiety, we have to look into the drivers behind our thinking, feeling, and actions. three processes underlie continued and unhealthy anxiety: low tolerance for uncertainty, need for control, and managing the anxiety but not working with the trigger.

low tolerance for uncertainty

if we are very attached to specific outcomes, or when things really matter to us, uncertainty gives rise to anxiety. this can relate to our work, the people in our life, or even just choosing which route to take to the gym. the anxiety of uncertainty feels intensely uncomfortable, and we see it as something wrong that has to go away. people with a strong sense of perfection and competition may be particularly susceptible to this unconscious driver.

our natural reaction to this discomfort may be to contact someone, wanting them to see it with the same urgency that we do. this is a natural trauma response, but it can exacerbate the problem. we’re teaching ourselves that our sense of uncertainty is a problem of such magnitude that it warrants input from others, and if we continually get this external input, we believe even less in our capacity to withstand the experience and find our own solutions. if our tolerance for uncertainty is low, we will experience long-term anxiety, and the only way to decrease this continual anxiety is by learning to tolerate the feeling-sensations of short-term uncertainty. in other words, we need to allow ourselves to not-know and be okay with it, so that we can open to change. when we accept the sense of uncertainty, we slowly rewire the brain to accept the discomfort without reacting. repeated actions like this allow us to develop confidence in our ability to withstand the discomfort of uncertainty, and our anxiety shrinks.

need for control

it is helpful to exert a measure of gentle control over ourselves when we need to make an adjustment in our health, interpersonal behavior, or our ability to be with our experience. on the other hand, if we try to control others, situations, or processes like falling asleep, we become more prone to anxiety. without realizing it, we identify a specific outcome as acceptable, and any deviation from that outcome increases our anxiety. our inability to exert control makes us feel helpless, and if we are unaccustomed to being out of control and relaxing with it, we experience anxiety. it is possible to feel helpless and not heap anxiety on top of it. if we befriend the helplessness, we realize that it is only the manifestation of the body-mind not wanting to accept change or impermanence.

managing the anxiety but not working with the trigger

it has become common practice to attempt to treat the symptom of anxiety without addressing the cause. rather than saying an affirmation or mantra, or using some other stress management tool, it may be more helpful to become more disciplined with ourselves, and more assertive with those around us. it may be more important to notice when and where we are triggered, and to work on self-regulation in these experiences. it may be important to address our people-pleasing tendencies, and to learn to tolerate the feeling-sensations of conflict.

we cannot reason with worry because it’s emotional, not logical. it's usually based on uncertainty, “what ifs”, and our fearful projections into the future. if we are identified with our conceptual mind, we fail to recognize that the now moment is perfect, even if anxiety is present. we become so identified with thought that we cannot take an objective view of ourselves. we cannot see what we’re doing to ourselves and those around us.

the best reassurance we can learn to bring into the moment of worry is to know that the version of ourselves that can handle the problem is born in exactly the same moment that the problem is born. if we soothe the anxiety in this moment, we build all the necessary skills to handle the anxiety in a subsequent moment.

when our anxiety interferes with our daily activities, is out of proportion to the actual danger, continues over time, and causes us to avoid certain situations to prevent anxiety, we have to work with it.

four qualities that tend to typify calm people are:

• they keep their expectations in check
• they embrace the joy of missing out (the opposite of FOMO)
• they set healthy boundaries
• they take responsibility for their actions, and not for outcomes.

Buddhism and anxiety

if it can be solved, there’s no need to worry, and if it can’t be solved, worry is of no use.

Dalai Lama

the Buddhist view of life is that it is a path or journey. every feeling we will ever experience is already part of that path. if we truly want to overcome the difficulties we will experience on this path, we have to grow into greater wisdom, deeper practice, and transformation. we have to step into a different relationship with our own reality, and change our perspective of the world and ourselves by aligning our view to how things are, and not how we conceptualize or want them to be. this necessitates noticing when we’re out of alignment with reality (when we fall into blame, refusing to accept what is real) and knowing the triggers that distort our view. let’s use the example of wanting to grab your morning coffee, but on arriving, you find that the coffee shop is closed. one person will feel disappointed for a moment, shrug, and continue with their day. another will have a rant at anyone willing to listen (and even at those not willing to listen). the first person accepts reality and makes the best of it. the second clings to their mental reality, believing that things should go the way they want them to. you have to decide who you want to be. if you want to be more accepting, you need to build the capacity.

when the Dalai Lama says there’s no use in worrying about an insoluble problem, he is describing how to actively manage anxiety.

the injunction to not worry may seem like a simplistic statement, but it’s really an invitation into inquiry and mindfulness. we want to look into the anxiety itself. in fact, when we’re truly mindful, there is no problem, even when we’re in the midst of a problem. the mindfulness prevents a judgment, and simply responds to the problem. with mindfulness fully operative, and no reaction present in the mind, there is simply knowledge, discernment, and response. we act appropriately and do what is needed. in the process of learning from our anxiety, we also discover our triggers. when these occur, we can use self-regulation to take ourselves beyond our habitual reactions. in order to do this, we have to welcome our emotional experience, whether it takes the form of anger, anxiety, jealousy, etc. we simply place it on the table of awareness. there is no reason to fight with it, act it out, or struggle with it. we can just be with it, and learn from the experience (see being with emotion and transmuting emotion).

this brings us to the last possibility: there is a worry, and there is nothing to do about it. when we can create enough mindful distance between our awareness and our reaction, it becomes clear that, if there is nothing to do about the problem, the healthiest way is to adapt, accommodate, and relate to the problem, whether it is a feeling or a situation. we accept the anxiety and learn to adjust to its discomfort.

according to Buddhism, the deepest layer of our anxiety is identification. identifying as a self that has likes and dislikes is the greatest contributor to mental unhealth. this understanding is based on the principle of the second arrow, which is illustrated by a parable: while walking in a forest, a man is struck by an arrow. instead of dealing with the problem, he immediately becomes angry at being shot, and is overcome by a sense of victimhood. he wails to himself: “why am i always the one getting hurt?”

the first arrow —the wound — causes a problem, but the second — his thinking and reacting — lets it spin out of control. in emotional intelligence, we saw that our relationship with the feeling or the problem is the most important part of dealing with the problem. we will all experience many first arrows as we go about our personal and professional lives. some will merely sting, and some will really hurt. whether we inflict the second arrow depends on how we relate to the first one. when our mindfulness and self-awareness allow us to identify our reactions, we can begin to temper them.

for the Buddhist, this tempering or adaptation is based on letting go. we tend to say: “i struggle with so and so.” this reveals our relationship to the problem. we struggle, resist, or try to get rid of the problem, and these reactions cause our anxiety, and in the long term, our depression. the adaptation is accepting what has happened and letting ourselves be changed by it, so that we can find new ways to be with the new reality.

gratitude

as simple as gratitude practices may seem, they are not easy for those who suffer from anxiety or depression. it doesn’t feel like there is much to be grateful for when we’re focused on our problems or our despair. fortunately, gratitude is not a standard, “one size fits all” practice. we can find our own way. and we don’t need to force ourselves to feel grateful. we can discover and experience the small things or moments that relieve our anxiety and depression. we are not trying to mute our difficulties. the aim is to find an authentic way to practice noticing both the difficulty and the release.

one way to approach this practice is to respond to three questions, in a journal, on a daily basis:

• what was the high point of your day? what happened? how did you feel? what thoughts were you aware of?
• what was the low point of your day? again, focus on feeling, action, and thought. most importantly, what could you do to improve the situation if it happened again?
• what do you feel proud of about yourself today? or, alternatively, who did something beneficial for you today?

gratitude is seeing the balance of reality; how things can be good in one place, and less good in another. when we can feel both, our ability to adapt stabilizes. gratitude is seeing-feeling the fullness of human experience, and safely resting in being. it opens the heart, expanding our perspectives and seeing-feeling life in its multidimensional reality.

gratitude is what brings us into the now of experience, and out of the projections of the future and the memories of the past. it is alive and expanded— the little fearful self, seeing from a more inclusive perspective. it is also a very powerful way of undoing reactions or stress, and the more we practice it in everyday situations, the more it will become our way of dealing with difficult situations. when it is practiced, gratitude is the most effective way to shift out of a contraction or one-dimensional state. when it is strong, it even sees ‘adversaries’ as friends or opportunities (see our lojong programs).

gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. it turns what we have into enough, and more. it turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. it can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Melody Beattie

developing a relationship with the wounded inner child

deep anxiety and depression are often indicators of developmental trauma. the person that desires to overcome these states in their deeper forms has to become aware of the wounded inner child (the trauma reaction itself), and learn to relate to them. this relationship is vital in overcoming trauma, and forms the basis of many current trauma healing methodologies like Schema Therapy and Internal Family Systems Therapy.

many of us are very fearful of having a wounded self, and see it as something to be avoided or kept hidden. this wounded self is our most traumatized aspect, and its reactiveness can cause deep suffering for us and for those around us. when we have finally had enough of the suffering, we may turn to this hurt inner child and realize that it wants to be heard and cared for, rather than shamed, dismissed, or discarded. being with the painful feelings of the inner child can be uncomfortable or difficult, but it is the part of our psyche that needs our attention most. if you would like to begin the process and develop your capacity to be with and care for this wounded child, here is a general description:

set up a place where you feel safe and comfortable and do what helps you to relax. you can light a candle, burn some incense, or use soft gentle background music.

lie down in a comfortable and supported position and use pillows or blankets to make you feel safe, nurtured, and warm. get as relaxed as you can. use your breathing or a visualization to help you relax. continue this relaxation until you feel a sense of heaviness, and sink into the support beneath you.

imagine yourself as a child in your childhood bedroom. what does the bedroom look like? what toys or features are present, and what do they tell you about the child? see your child-self sitting in a chair or on the floor of this bedroom. now, imagine your adult self next to the child, with a protective and nurturing presence. notice the features and demeanour of this child. what does their posture tell you?

ask this child what he or she needs from you. listen carefully to their reply. you want to understand and care. maybe they only need to lean into you and be comforted. maybe they calm down simply because you’re there. whatever they need, see if you can give it to them. imagine holding the child, or leaving the room with them and taking them to a safe space.

know yourself as the child’s protector, and know it is okay if you don’t immediately know how to relate to them or comfort them. simply visit them again and again, and learn more each time. allow whatever emotions arise to do so. if the child wants to speak, listen to them. what do they feel? what are they scared of? why are they angry or sad? just listen without judgment.

learn to be aware of this child in your reactions, and use your knowledge of self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-compassion to guide your behavior and attitude. make time for creative work and play, and notice how it heals the child and makes them happy. gentleness is the deepest strength. you can be your own best friend; just see and be with what is, rather than expecting a particular outcome.

meditation

meditation practice is a powerful form of anxiety treatment. it is deeply healing to cultivate deep states of relaxation and attention because the energy is so opposite to the contracted energy of anxiety. the more we can allow mind to sink into being and presence, the more we’re able to perceive in our daily moment-to-moment awareness. rather than blocking or analysing our thoughts, we allow them to bubble up and pass away. we become a non-attached witness of what is happening; the observer of our anxious patterns. we are not detached from our feelings or our thoughts, we simply recognize them as feelings and thoughts, not final truths. we become less identified with our thoughts and feelings, and eventually, we realize that there is no self that has anxiety, or that has to overcome or correct it. we find ourselves in a space where everything is simply good, and this spills over into our daily life, in moments of recognition that we are the awareness of what is. there is no decider or doer, and none is needed. there is simply this moment, and this response to it.

depression

depression (otherwise known as unipolar depression or major depression) is a mental condition generally characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, and a sense of inadequacy and guilt. it is often accompanied by fatigue and disturbances in appetite and sleep. in bipolar depression, moods can range from manic states— where the person becomes over-energized, impulsive, and can even lose contact with reality— to major depression, where they lose contact with their vitality and feel deep shame. thoughts of suicide can be intrusive and overwhelming. for those who live with chronic depression, there are two possible outcomes. the person either heals into greater maturity, or they commit suicide. we may not like to talk about this, but it is very real, and part of our lives.

depression has a way of taking everything that is good and turning it against you.

Paul Flannery

the depressed person often feels locked away, as if they can’t reach the world and it can’t reach them. the state is often described as being in the throes of a force that can’t be managed; a greyness that descends over everything, making the sufferer feel invisible, helpless, and alone. the depressed person can also experience difficulty concentrating, agitation, and lack of energy and motivation. most experience a loss of interest in activities that were formerly enjoyable. this feeling is called anhedonia (without pleasure). the person can still talk about happiness and meaning, but are incapable of feeling or even hoping for these states.

the only way out is through

though none of us are to blame for the state of our mind, we are responsible for it. nobody else can make it better. if we don’t tend to ourselves, someone else will be made responsible, and we will become their burden. antidepressant medication can be deeply supportive to those who suffer from depression— it can help us to feel again, and to live productive lives — but no pill can heal the depressed mind. they can only support us in doing the work that is needed. in the end, it is our mind, and our choice. forgetting that we have this choice when we’re in the throes of depression makes it so much more important to remind ourselves of it when the depression abates.

learn to take care of your mood (emotional intelligence) and your mind. revisit cognitive distortions and bring yourself to awareness of the distortions lurking in your thoughts and speech. the distortions that typically underlie depression are mental filter; disqualifying the positive; magnification/minimization; emotional reasoning; labelling; and personalization. become aware of your own inner talk and work with your inner critic. the only way you’re going to heal is through developing your capacity to parent or re-parent yourself; to make up for the mistakes of your parents, and to give your inner child what they needed, and still need, most. learning to take care of your own needs is one of the deepest acts of self-love. as we discussed under anxiety, developing a relationship with your own suffering (or the wounded inner child) is the only path to real and lasting healing.

beliefs

the anxiously negative or depressed mind is strongly colored by its beliefs, so it sees only what it already believes.

for example, someone may say: “i’m always reactive when i'm around people (and the evidence is that i remember it happening several times)”. however, when this person reflects on their experience with other people, non-reactivity far outweighs reactivity, so the belief is skewed. when they reflect on why the belief is so entrenched, they realize that they emphasize negative experiences and fail to notice smooth or comfortable experiences. this is a typical trauma-based survival strategy. we look for the negative rather than the positive, and when we see a negative, we over-generalize. we project our negative belief and only look for experiences that confirm it. the confirmation-bias affirms the fear-based belief, and the cycle repeats.

we can become more aware of these patterns by engaging in daily reflection. in the evening, before you go to bed, reflect on the day, from the moment you got up to the present time. scan through the many different situations and encounters, and look into how you made sense of your experiences. if you want to know more about reflection, work through our program on self-reflection and contemplation.

it is easier to notice these undermining beliefs if we know what we are looking for. read through the following list of typical negative beliefs and see which ones apply to you. add additional ones that come to mind as you reflect. note the most prevalent ones. when you reflect on your day, notice when they were triggered. think about the feelings, thoughts, and actions that tend to accompany them or give rise to them. think of ways to counter the pattern and the belief.

typical negative beliefs

• it is not good to get very close to people, because they all leave in the end.
• people will take advantage of me.
• people should not be trusted.
• i believe that i’m not getting (didn’t get) enough love and attention.
• people don’t understand me.
• no one could love me if they knew my shortcomings.
• i’m not capable of standing on my own and coping by myself.
• i should get what i want.
• others owe me because i’m hurt.
• i believe my needs should be put first.
• when i have strong emotions i cannot control them.
• i cannot ask for help.
• i need to fit in.
• i’m only worthwhile if i'm appreciated.
• i should worry, otherwise things will go wrong.
• i cannot show my real feelings to others.
• i must be the best at what i do.
• there is so much to do that i cannot relax.
• there is no excuse for my mistakes.
• mistakes require punishment.
• i’m a bad person.

reflection for negativity and depression

the following practice has been adapted from Ken Wilber’s Integral Life Practice. it's a useful way of questioning your beliefs and developing different perspectives.

there is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

Shakespeare

depression is often accompanied by rumination or persistent cycles of distorted, negative thinking that undermine our mental clarity. try using the following eight questions to assess the reality of our thinking/ruminating.

1. is there actual evidence to support my thoughts?
it’s easy to get caught up in narratives that don’t fairly reflect the full reality of our life. first, probe for evidence by seeing if your thinking is supported by evidence from your life. you may find there are other ways to view your situation.

2. am i making assumptions?
feeling emotionally vulnerable can contribute to feeling more sensitive, especially around perceived criticism, and making assumptions that can lead to faulty logic. consider alternatives to your thinking, such as:

• am i jumping to conclusions?
• am i trying to read someone’s mind?
• am i taking things personally?

3. am i blaming?
when we experience depression, it is not uncommon to blame ourselves for how we are feeling. self-criticism will only make you feel worse.

depression is not your fault—you did not cause it.

4. what feedback would a friend provide about my thinking?
unrealistic expectations and ideals that we couldn’t possibility live up to can contribute to depression. consider what a friend might say about your thinking. more than likely, they would tell you that you’re being too hard on yourself.

5. am i focusing on my weaknesses rather than my strengths?
there is a strong tendency for those experiencing depression to hone in on personal weaknesses and forget about personal strengths. more than likely, you have had past experiences of tapping into personal resources and overcoming challenges — think of times when you did so to counteract the current sense of weakness.

6. how is negative thinking benefitting me?
there is usually no benefit in negative thinking. asking yourself how useful your negative thoughts are can assist you in gaining perspective, and can prevent the negative thoughts from getting out of control.

7. am i looking for answers where there are no answers?
brooding over questions like “why did i make that decision?” or “why is life so unfair?” can feed depression. it’s better to acknowledge that there are no answers, since focusing on what can’t be changed can only worsen your mood.

8. am i worrying about the way things should be rather than accepting them as they are?
the circumstances of the world around us can ‘feed’ our depression, causing us distress over injustices and suffering. ask yourself: ‘what can i do to make a difference?’ rather than getting stuck on what you can’t change?

deep rest

for spiritual teacher Jeff Foster, depression is a reminder that we need to find deep rest from the life we’ve been living. we can choose to see depression not as a mental illness, but a natural call to Deep Rest; a spiritual exhaustion that we encounter when we are pressed down (de-pressed) by the weight of our false self (our mask, or the story we tell about ourselves). Foster believes that we long to stop pretending and to express our raw truth, whether we are aware of it or not. we long to give voice to our secret loneliness, shame, broken hearts, boredom, and rage. from this perspective, depression is a call to truth that needs to be listened to and understood.

solitude

the Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hahn regards solitude as deeply healing, and emphasizes the need to learn how to be in solitude. stillness interrupts the pressure of the personality, and for a moment, we are free of our destructive habits; the habits we adopted in childhood to keep us safe, and that now merely limit and obstruct our ability to love and be.

to experience real solitude and its healing capacity, we do not only need space from others. we also need to resist the preoccupying pull of our sorrows, our worries, and our strong emotions. we need to be simply and quietly aware of the body and everything around us, allowing ourselves to rest completely, with attention. in this space, we can engage in healthy eating, gentle walks, inspirational reading, and meditation practice.

truth is a pathless land.

Krishnamurti

stepping stones towards healing

mindfulness

the first stepping stone towards healing is mindfulness. this does not mean a five-minute sitting practice. we cannot merely intend or pretend to be calm or understand the instructions for a method of calming. we have to cultivate the state of calmness and experience its outcome, to whatever degree we can. the easiest way to become aware of and cultivate this calmness is by becoming one with your breathing; knowing-feeling the breathing, and allowing the body to relax; allowing presence to arise.

mindfulness is essential, because we cannot let go of something unless we are aware of it. the awareness of mindfulness allows us to pay attention in a nonjudgmental way. this awareness can be brought to several aspects of depression:

awareness of depression itself
notice the depression and the way it interacts with your world. realize that depression makes everything look bleak, and makes us feel like there is something radically wrong with us. realize that all the experiences you are having are the result of a depressed mind. remind yourself that your feelings and thinking are depressed. name your emotions to yourself and pay attention to each of them.

awareness of the thoughts that fuel depression
awareness of our thoughts is imperative, as it allows us to notice distortions like catastrophizing and generalizing. ‘i made a mistake’ easily becomes ‘i’m a failure.’ notice these patterns in your thinking and learn to question and correct your own thoughts early in their development. ‘i made a mistake’ can be followed by ‘and that’s something to learn from.’ notice the thought patterns that fuel feeling miserable. pay deep attention to, and remedy, the cognitive distortions that you detect. notice self-criticism and harsh self-talk, and learn to restate what is happening. realize that self-criticism, self-loathing, and perfectionism are powerful drivers of depression.

knowing what triggers depression
for some, depression is triggered when they are tired, overwhelmed, or lonely. if we are aware of the situations and circumstances that tend to trigger our depression, we can counteract them by proactively scheduling events to support ourselves. for example, if loneliness triggers your depression, you can proactively schedule a call with a friend if you’re going to be alone for an extended period. we can also learn to not take the thoughts that occur late at night or in the early morning— when we’re struggling to sleep— seriously. if the same thoughts are still around later in the day, we can pay attention to them.

awareness of how the depression may be serving you
ask yourself how your depression may be benefitting you. for some, it promotes a sense of safety by keeping them away from others. for others, it is the belief that to be hard on themselves helps them. look into the origins of your depression and see in what ways it may have served you. we can be appreciative to the intention to protect, and invite ourselves to meet these needs with healthier behaviors or attitudes.

awareness of neutral and pleasant moments
the negative mind hyper-focuses on unpleasantness and what it sees as wrong. develop your ability to notice moments that are neutral, like getting dressed, and moments that are pleasant, like feeling the warmth of the shower or listening to some music while you drive. if you have a meditation practice, find a place in your body where you feel neutral or safe during your practice sessions. it might be your breathing, the feeling in the soles of your feet, or the center of your body. when you find yourself feeling depressed, move your attention to the safe or neutral space and make this the object of your awareness.

realize you have choices

we are not talking here about positive affirmations, but rather the willingness to move our focus off the depression and onto what else is true.

leaving thoughts alone
mindfulness is not about trying to stop thinking or negativity. it is about learning to leave your thoughts and negativity alone. if we don’t cling to or rush after our thoughts, they disappear by themselves, and are replaced by new thoughts. healing becomes possible when we stop resisting our thoughts and simply let them be. instead of fighting with thought, we can mostly ignore it, sometimes gently counter it, and continually recognize that we don’t need to be its victim.

choose what is really true
most of what our inner critic flings at us is distorted and over-generalized. it is not true that we’re always depressed or anxious. it’s not true that we are a failure. keep inquiring into your thoughts and criticisms, always seeking for what is really true about this moment.

choose this present moment
notice when your mind is dwelling in the past — ‘it was better then’ — or the future — ‘i’ll never heal’. when we are really, experientially, in the present moment, before our judgments, needs, and expectations get projected onto it, it is always good; a basic goodness that we can feel and know directly. this basic goodness is a field of goodness that is present to our senses, and that we can access at any time, if we’re willing to let go of the drama going on in our head.

choose kindness
remember, you are in charge of your wounded inner child. you have to bring the correction, the healthy structure, the soothing, and the support. we can choose to be in the present moment, and we can also choose to correct ourselves gently when we notice thought distortions or reactive behaviors. instead of succumbing to guilt and blame (‘why did i do that again!’) we can respond (‘that is not what i want, why don’t we…’). our aim is to continually build a witnessing self that notices where we’re unloving or distorted, and that guides or invites us back to kindness. you can learn more about the practices of loving-kindness in four energetic states of awareness and self-compassion.

regain and allow innocence
depression that is related to developmental trauma involves a loss of innocence. we feel jaded, cynical, and broken. be aware of this shroud around you, and look for moments of beauty, accomplishment, gratitude, vitality, and playfulness. allow yourself to love and be loved.

small acts of service are also very helpful for depression
depression can make us feel removed from everyone and everything. taking care of something or someone else can be very helpful in undoing this feeling, even if temporarily. we can show care towards a pet or a friend, pick up some trash in a park, or water a thirsty plant. pay deep attention to the state of the mind when you’re engaged in the action, and remind yourself of this feeling— a feeling of connection and a quiet joy— when you feel at a distance from life.

depression may be the signal that tells us that we need to make some changes
this could include changes to our diet, our social life, and our sources of inspiration. depression also forces us to take a break. the mill of doing more and better may not be good for us, and if we don’t listen to our depression, we may simply crash. depression can also alert those who love us to our needs. these needs have to be tended to carefully, as the depression sufferer can feel deep shame about their condition.

common humanity
suffering with depression can also lead to the realization that it brings us into intimate connection with others who suffer, and we can focus on this connection to develop a greater sense of connection and compassion. we know the experience of mental suffering, and we’re reminded that we are connected to others who have the same challenges.

humility
depression humbles us. we come to places where knowledge and understanding fail us; places of raw emotion where reasoning has no power, where we feel despair and helplessness. we may even discover the rage, bitterness, and intense sadness that underlie the depression. depression forces us into acceptance and not-knowing. we come to know that what is real is not perfect or ideal, it is whole. before we can commit to leading a life, we must loosen our grip on past mistakes, and eventually, when we’re ready, let them go. we have to see that shame is simply the belief that we’re not enough, and that fear, guilt, and shame are illusions that keep us from living fully. we come to know that leading this life is the meaning of life.

joy does not simply happen to us. we have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day. we must choose to walk the path every day.

Henri Nouwen

meditation

when we meditate, the practice is to disengage from depression and orient ourselves to our true nature, or being. a powerful metaphor is that of a spinning wheel. our thoughts and identifications are like the outer edge of the wheel, and our true nature is like the hub or axis, which remains steadfast and still regardless of the spinning. our true nature is free from anxiety and depression. again and again, we return to this stillness and develop a sense of it. at the same time, we can bring a component of insight practice into our meditation practice, by reflecting on questions like:

• where is this center of stillness in me, right now, despite thought and feeling?
• what can i trust?
• what is it that does not come and go, in my practice?
• what is looking through my eyes right now?
• who is the knower?
• who am i?

you can learn more about insight practice in cultivating insight.

in meditation, we learn to turn towards the original being that we are, beyond the trauma we have experienced, and before the disconnection from life occurred. in postmeditation, we become alert to moments of profound restfulness in our daily activities. moments of color and meaningful emotion reach our heart, and we slowly turn back to life.

in deep meditation, we turn away from the depression, towards that which is aware of depression. in this space, depression is only one of the things that awareness— our true self— is aware of. this awareness itself is not depressed; it has no quality other than presence.

we don’t heal from depression, we heal through depression. even our negative thoughts can become useful. we realize that we are not those thoughts, we are the space in which they happen. when we truly see ourselves suffering, it is also the first move towards health. we want to care for the suffering, not only in ourselves, but everywhere.

spiritual teacher Rupert Spira reminds us that the most powerful work we can do is to turn towards the pain and hurt.

as we make our way out of depression, we become acutely aware of little moments of deep feeling and beauty. we become more choiceless, and we can savour positive and negative feelings. we become aware of the need for laughter and for relaxing with ourselves. we instil habits that keep us inspired, not as a defense against depression— we always know that it can return— but as the habits that will support us when we spend time with our friend, depression. it is as if the heart has decided to open again. we’re no longer locked away. we feel connected with others, ourselves, and the feelings we experience.

the enlightened response to depression is not, ‘i am depressed.’ the enlightened response to depression is, ‘wow, dig this depression.’

Ram Dass