a safe space

reflection

what were the happiest places in your childhood?
where are the spaces where you feel able to express and connect with others?

take a few moments to ponder one or both of these questions. allow yourself to be transported back and notice the sensory data, the people involved (if any), the sounds, and the smells of your environment. allow yourself to re-enter those spaces and a re-experience the sense of safety: a benign known. this is exactly what many traumatized people have lost. in childhood we were not even aware of this loss, but later we may realize that our innocence — the quality that gives us a sense of safety and a spontaneous curiosity — was stolen.

losing your self

traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: the past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort.

Bessel van der Kolk

some people describe the feeling of living with trauma as an alarm that has gone off and won’t stop ringing. the body remains in a state of alarm and heightened arousal, oversensitive and overwhelmed. the experience of not being seen, heard, or emotionally understood, with nowhere to feel safe, is traumatizing at any age, and often underlies complex trauma. trauma survivors may live very removed from their bodies, in dissociated states of varying degrees. trauma affects awareness and specifically physical self-awareness. in an attempt to shut off terrifying sensations and emotions, the person also deadens their capacity to feel alive and present, resulting in a loss of purpose and direction.

in good times trauma affects our sleep and eating patterns, causing headaches, anxiety disorders, hives, anger, and depression. on a bad day the psyche tumbles into despair and depression, and death may seem preferable. for the traumatized there is a simple formula underlying their experiences.

past event + trauma = the likelihood to relive the experiences of the trauma through any possible current events.

the traumatized often feel trapped and alone. for this reason, traumatized people, as much as they fear being alone or desire to connect, may prefer to be alone. being alone at least prevents the possibility of being triggered and retraumatized.

somatic symptoms that have no physiological basis are ubiquitous in traumatized adults. these may include chronic pain, fibromyalgia, migraines, digestive problems, irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue, and some forms of asthma. many traumatized people find it hard to describe their feelings and needs as they are unable to discern what is happening in the body. trauma victims cannot heal until they become familiar with and befriend their emotions and sensations. physical self-awareness is the first step towards health.

to people who are reliving a trauma, nothing makes sense; they are trapped in a life-or-death situation, a state of paralyzing fear or blind rage. mind and body are constantly aroused, as if they are in imminent danger. they startle to the slightest noises and are frustrated by small irritations. their sleep is chronically disturbed, and food often loses its sensual pleasures. this in turn can trigger desperate attempts to shut those feelings down by freezing and dissociation.

Bessel van der Kolk

remember mindfulness

in his book The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk says mindfulness in trauma-work means switching on the watchtower. we are aware and regulating our attention. we’re aware of our experience with an open or inviting stance. we want to know ourselves and heal ourselves. we keep a non-reactive (non-judgmental) awareness of our thoughts, feelings, and sensations. when we notice that there is fear and a desire to withdraw or attack, the attention deepens. we feel the reaction in the body and its accompanying sensations and reactions. yet, we stay present, not losing ourselves in the reaction. it takes a lot of work to get to this point and it begins with mindfulness.

self-regulation of attention

self-regulation of attention entails maintaining conscious awareness of what presents itself within experience moment-to-moment. this may be a broad awareness, or strongly focused on particular details of phenomena. the attention is steady and constant. a common way of training this kind of attention is to use the breath as the focal point of attention. through regulating our attention we become aware of its focus, and are able to move the attention to a different object. you can imagine how powerful this is in a trauma-response. i’m aware of my anger, withdrawal, etc., and choose to direct the attention to something that can relieve the feeling. in the case of anger i may simply become deeply aware of the tension in the body, and allow for some release. in the case of withdrawal, i may notice the withdrawal, and choose to attend more deeply and with deeper curiosity.

orientation to experience

it is very helplful to practice cultivating an open and accepting attitude towards thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. acceptance happens when unpleasantness is allowed to exist, without limitation, evaluation, or attempts to resist or change the experience. this stance is the polar opposite of our habitual judgmental orientation (which is based on identification with our likes and dislikes), which typically leads to “doing mode” (analyzing, judging, evaluating, solving, achieving, testing, planning, pursuing specific outcomes, adjusting, obsessing). although the doing mode is suitable for practical, technical, and intellectual tasks, it can become so entrenched that it overreaches, activating when dealing with emotional states, where it has limited utility. emotional states respond better to “being-mode”. the being mode is characterized by non-judging, permitting, non-striving, acceptance, allowing, broad focus of awareness, and understanding through direct experience rather than interpretation.

emotional regulation

emotional regulation is the process by which we consciously influence feelings we are experiencing. in the absence of emotional regulation we tend to revert to maladaptive processes like repression, avoidance and rumination. mindfulness, rather than attempting to change or ignore emotions and thoughts, builds tolerance. we cultivate an increased ability to notice dysfunction and not engage with it. Goleman states that mindfulness has a global desensitization effect. we’re not running away from the fear but facing it, being curious about it and how it can be soothed. the mindful person notices their experience with some psychological distance, not fully identified but observing, learning what is necessary and where. the critical difference between dissociation and this distance is that the latter is characterized by presence, whereas the former is characterized by absence (we are “tuned out”). if you have not yet read the section on practicing mindfulness, it might be helpful to get into it soon. learn the practice of bare attention. it is a potent antidote when brought into our reactions.

objects of mindfulness

what are we looking for? what are the typical signs that we may be in a reactive or hyper-aroused state? any of the following signs are your signal:

• hyper-vigilance, as if you’re on high alert and looking for what can go wrong
• emotional numbness, or a state of shock
• becoming emotionally reactive
• feeling extreme tiredness or fatigue
• anxious irritability
• avoidance, low mood, lack of motivation
• experiencing intrusive thoughts and sensations

and all you need to know? they are all normal, and the places where you want to pay deeper attention. your first step is to take care of your body, sleep well, and eat well. without this, you have no base to work from. when we start working with our trauma there is a deep experience of emotional exhaustion. deep rest in a safe space is crucial.

life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. what seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength, if faced with an open mind. every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such. 

Henry Miller

a safe space

we all need a safe space, but for the traumatized it can be tricky to develop in the beginning. we may have a safe house or room, but when our mind itself is not safe there is nowhere to turn. mindfulness is therefore our first and fundamental tool. we learn to notice when we’re upset and when we’re calm. we become curious about moving between those states and our ability to self-soothe increases. a safe space is not something that can be demanded. it is something we must build ourselves. the mind cannot heal when it is in overdrive. we must learn to live slower and with less expectation. until we authentically love ourselves, rather than our possessions or mental abilities, our relationships will be a repeat of some early trauma.

the future is unbearable
you are, literally, unable to "bear" it.

because it doesn't exist.
except in imagination.

live life
moment by moment.

Jeff Foster

take a breath

literally. the quality of our breathing has a profound effect on the body, as we may see in a case of hyperventilation or the suffering of the asthmatic. it is also our access to the parasympathetic nervous system, helping to regulate hyper-arousal. practice the following in a non-threatening environment, and then gradually adapt and include in moments where there is hyper-arousal. if you feel dizzy or discomfort from any of these breathing practices, stop the practice.

coherent breathing

inhale for 5 counts through your nose
exhale for 5 counts through your nose
repeat for up to five minutes.

alternate nostril breathing

bring your hand close to your nose with your thumb over one nostril, index finger folded down, and your middle finger across the other nostril. exhale. close one nostril with your thumb and inhale. release the thumb at the end of your inhale and close the other nostril with your middle finger. exhale. inhale through the same nostril. at the end of the inhale switch nostrils and exhale.

4-7-8 breathing

inhale through the nose for four counts, hold the breath for seven counts, and then exhale through the mouth for eight counts. repeat this cycle four times. notice the difference in mental state when you finish.

grounding

expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. look it squarely in the eye, and say, ‘i will be bigger than you. you cannot defeat me.’

Ann Landers

now that we have our mind back (somewhat), we need to get our body back. when we dissociate, we leave the body, and may even experience shock. grounding is the action that brings us back into the window of tolerance, and helps us to remain within this window. our experience with mindfulness becomes very important here, as mindfulness itself is grounding and soothing. and whatever tool we use in this mindful space needs to be powerful enough to change our internal state, from a state of hyper-arousal to a state within the window of tolerance.

tell yourself that you’ve got the situation under control, simply through paying attention and regulating whatever feelings arise. the stress response is triggered when we feel overwhelmed and without resources. reminding ourselves of our inner resources brings calm.

the sensorimotor approaches to trauma are most helpful in getting us back into our body. the Trauma Resiliency Model developed by Elaine Miller-Karas and Laurie Leitch and the Somatic therapy of Peter Levine are prime examples. these approaches all help us to deepen our physical self-awareness, and have the following objectives in common:

• to regain access to the sensory information that has been frozen by trauma
• to help us accommodate rather than suppress our experience
• to complete self-preserving physical actions that were thwarted by the immobilization or terror.

in a moment of reaction we are either shocked because reality is not conforming to our wants, or we are caught in re-experiencing trauma. consciousness narrows down to a focal point and cannot experience the safety in the environment. the shocked person is less aware of their environment and their underlying wellness because they are caught in very powerful feeling and thought distortion. the first thing we need to do is to come back into our experience, rather than being trapped in mind’s projection (of threat). coming back into knowing myself as a body in a safe space (i’m still alive) is difficult because mind is projecting its fear onto reality. following are three methods of self-holding to help us come back to the body and this moment.

head sides

place your hand palms on either side of your head. feel how you are creating the sides of the container that contains your thoughts. feel the sensation between your hands.

head front-back

place one hand over your forehead and allow the other to cover the back of your head. feel the container of all the thinking happening in you and feel the sensations between the hands, or between the hands and head.

forehead — heart

place one hand over your heart and the other on your forehead. see if you can feel some sensations in your hands. notice the sensations in your body where the hands are placed.

feel the container of the body

slip your right hand under your left arm, next to your heart, and your left hand over the upper right arm. become aware of the feeling of holding the body. feel what is between the hands and sense the holding of the body.

when we feel more grounded, we can simply stay aware of the outline of the whole body.

here is a video where Peter Levine describes some of the techniques of holding oneself.

Levine also describes the Voo breathing technique. this technique stimulates the vagus nerve, creating a sense of stability and positive feeling. you can do this form of breathing in any posture. slowly take in a deep breath, expanding the chest and reaching deep into the belly. on the exhalation, make a “voo” sound, feeling the deep vibration in the face, chest, and possibly belly. repeat approximately three times.

54321 technique

this readily available technique for grounding is also very helpful. you can do it for yourself or for another. simply ask yourself or another to name:

• five things you can see in front of you
• four things you can feel (support of chair, feet on floor, etc.)
• three things you can hear right now
• two things you can smell
• one good thing about yourself.

an imaginary safe space

our imagination can be an immensely helpful space of creativity and resilience when it comes to working with our trauma responses. if you actively imagine quartering a lemon, taking one wedge, throwing your head back, and squeezing the juice into your mouth, your mouth may start watering. the conscious imagination of the effect of lemon juice triggers a memory of such an experience and the body responds as if the experience is happening in the now. by regularly practicing with an imagined safe space we slowly develop the ability to bring such safety into our difficult situations. as with any practice, it is best to begin by practicing when we are not under stress. then, slowly, as the practice becomes established, we can bring it into our difficult moments. the more we practice when we’re safe, the more the body remembers this safety when we are in a difficult experience.

there are many forms of the imaginary safe space, from the safety bubble for children to the following generic method for adults, by Carol Vivyan:

relaxing 'Safe Place' Imagery
all visualizations can be strengthened by ensuring that you engage all your senses in building the picture in your mind's eye. it's more than just "seeing". if you notice any negative links or images entering your positive imagery, then discard that image and think of something else. avoid using your home (or bed) as a ‘safe place’.

start by getting comfortable in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed, and take a couple of minutes to focus on your breathing. close your eyes, become aware of any tension in your body, and let that tension go with each out-breath.

imagine a place where you can feel calm, peaceful and safe. it may be a place you've been to before, somewhere you've dreamed about going to, somewhere you've seen in a picture, or just a peaceful place you can create in your mind’s eye.

• look around you in that place. notice the colors and shapes. what else do you notice?
• now notice the sounds that are around you, or perhaps the silence. sounds far away and those nearer to you. those that are more noticeable, and those that are more subtle.
• now focus on any smells you notice there.
• then focus on any skin sensations - the earth beneath your feet, or whatever is supporting you, the temperature, any movement of air, anything else you can touch.
• notice the pleasant physical sensations in your body whilst you enjoy this safe place.
• you might choose to give your safe place a name, whether one word or a phrase, that you can use to bring the image back, anytime you need to.
• you can enjoy this safe place as long as you like, just enjoying the peacefulness and serenity. you can leave whenever you want to, just by opening your eyes and being aware of where you are now and bringing yourself back to alertness in the 'here and now'.

let’s reflect again on the question at the start of this program.
what were the happiest places in your childhood?

remember one and put yourself through the steps of the safe place practice. notice how alive the space becomes in you, and how the body responds to the relaxation. to whatever degree you experience the state, notice that you can bring this about. you can help the body to be present rather than in shock.

self-soothing

through our senses the world appears. through our reactions we create delusions. without reactions the world becomes clear.

Buddha

when a child has an accident or gets hurt an attentive and attuned parent will immediately attend to them. they may help to make things right, soothe the upset or hurt, and keep an eye on the child for a while. this is exactly what we need to provide for ourselves when we are caught in a reaction, but for that to happen we first have to build the healthy adult in ourselves. every situation of hurt becomes an opportunity to pay attention and find the activity that soothes the nervous system back to health. here are some activities that are self-soothing.

acknowledge your feelings:

recognize what you are going through and develop the ability to name your emotions. ask yourself what you can do to feel better, or to accommodate the feeling.

reframe the experience for yourself:

rather than telling yourself how stressful things are, or how terrible it is that you’re sweating or feeling the rapidity of your heartbeat, inform yourself of the normality of the process. the body is in a hyper-aroused state, which it is designed to access when under stress. notice that you’re already aware of the process, and remind yourself that it will eventually end. the situation is uncomfortable, but not dangerous.

create an outlet for hurt feelings:

cry if you need to. write if it helps. call a good friend and have a conversation. hum a soothing tune.

use your senses:

notice beautiful things. allow yourself to have memories associated with smells. listen to the sounds and the stillness around you, or to music or podcasts. light a candle and watch the flame. go for a stroll and let nature touch you.

allow yourself to have a good time:

have your favorite tea or coffee. focus on a creative task that brings you pleasure, or allow yourself some joyful time with others.

make a conscious decision to move on:

support yourself with soothing or clarifying self-talk. when you’ve done the processing, let yourself move on and focus on new tasks.

the more we practice safety and calmness — the more we consciously re-create peaceful states and inhabit them — the more our confidence grows that we can change our internal state when we need to. we don’t have to be mercilessly thrown around by the vicissitudes of life, or perpetually and anxiously await our next inevitable reaction. we can become the peace and safety that we crave.

yesterday i was clever so i wanted to change the world. today i am wise so i am changing myself.

Rumi