generative listening

generative listening is the art of developing deeper silences in yourself, so you can slow your mind's hearing to your ears' natural speed, and hear beneath the words to their meaning.

Peter Senge

recap: levels of listening

you will remember that we used Otto Scharmer’s presencing model to explain the deepening levels of listening in the listening program.

to listen, we first have to let go of the voice of our judgments, creating an open mind. we’re now able to debate. we can listen and respond to opinions that differ from ours, but we’re still closed to feelings/emotions in ourselves and others. to allow for feeling becomes our next task. instead of judgment, we now let go of the voice of cynicism. we recognize that our heart is big enough for all our extreme emotions, as well as the emotions of others. opening our heart allows for empathic listening, where we learn to feel with others/ourselves.

generative listening

however, listening can go deeper, into generative listening. we’ve slowed down enough to bring our attention fully to the other, let our judgments go, and enabled ourselves to be in feeling with others. when listening goes even deeper, we have to let go of fear and control. fear arises naturally as we don’t want to have our viewpoint questioned, opinions changed, or be deeply influenced. and yet, when we bring this level of vulnerability, our listening becomes most powerful.

generative listening deepens listening by moving beyond the current field (your and my ideas and feelings) and connecting to the field of the emergent — that which is already becoming, can become, or is future. we’re not only aware of personal experience, but allow ourselves to listen to subtle action and intent.

Scharmer describes empathic listening as “a skill that requires us to activate a different source of intelligence: the intelligence of the heart.” when this deepens into generative listening, Scharmer says: “we no longer empathize with someone in front of us. we are in an altered state — maybe ‘communion’ or ‘grace’ is the word that comes closest to the texture of this experience that refuses to be dragged onto the surface of words.” a person in the state of generative listening may describe it as having their whole being slowed down, quiet, present, and feeling connected to something bigger than themselves.

an open will

David Bohm, in his book on dialogue, writes: "you may not even have known that you had an assumption. it was only because he came up with the opposite one that you find out that you have one. you may uncover other assumptions, but we are suspending them all and looking at them all, seeing what they mean."

he tells us about the subtlety of the fear that is felt at this level of listening. we are fearful of hearing the truth, either for ourselves, or the other. there is deep vulnerability and trust at this level of listening; the art of creating a better tomorrow by feeling into our deepest capacities, compassion, and wisdom.

here is a little video where Scharmer describes generative listening:

what happens when we hold an emotional space for another? we’re not directing, managing, or imposing our agenda. we’re also not disappearing and absent to the fact or emotion. we are in the experience with the other but, even more deeply, we are also holding a space for the something that wants to happen in this space. the field of attention created through generative listening goes beyond your and my boundaries, sensitively touching the emergent: that which desires to be said, desires to be clarified, desires to be born. Thomas Hübl illuminates this quality when he says we are in "the echo of the reverberation of the future." he reasons that, due to our collective trauma, we typically miss this opportunity and fail to develop a new future or new version of ourselves. instead, we simply take from the past, put it in front of us, and hanker after this future-past. we don’t grow, but simply repeat our patterns unconsciously.

there are two core fears: losing what you have, and not getting what you want. there is one solution: falling in love with where you are.

Jeff Foster

qualities of generative listening

listening

Scharmer describes the quality of listening at this level as without judgment, and therefore inviting. it is empathic, and therefore without an agenda. it is aware of where the old self is failing, or dying, and it is open to the new that emerges in that space. it taps into the possibilities that are not yet manifest, inviting them and listening for them. generative listening invites an awareness of inner knowing. the listener is putting their own ego aside and is open to new understanding, new meaning-making.

generative listening is about turning words into action; it is the process of allowing our thoughts to become reality and, ultimately, it revolves around setting aside one’s own preconceptions and being fully prepared to embrace the thinking and viewpoint of others to achieve a common goal.

Clive Wilson

when we are fully heard, we find safety and belonging, which connects us to our own inner wisdom. we are empowered to give voice to that which wants to emerge through us. we are the vehicle of our own growth and unfolding.

authenticity

authenticity does not mean speaking my mind spontaneously. that is often reactivity. rather, it means speaking my heart-felt truth.

authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. it’s a practice — a conscious choice of how we want to live. authenticity is actually a collection of choices, choices we make every day. it’s the choice to show up and be real. the choice to be honest. the choice to let our true selves be seen.

Brené Brown

if authenticity is a choice, it is so because i’m self-aware, self-regulating and compassionate. when what i say attacks or diminishes another, it reveals those aspects of me that may be shadowed or unconscious. when what i say is my heart-felt truth in the moment, it reveals authenticity. i can be known by what i say. what is heart-felt arises from a space of self-knowing, stillness or inner integrity (coherence). it only becomes possible at the level of empathic listening, and deepens in generative listening, which requires an open mind, open heart, and open will.

to be authentic, we must cultivate the courage to be imperfect — and vulnerable. we have to believe that we are fundamentally worthy of love and acceptance, just as we are. i’ve learned that there is no better way to invite more grace, gratitude and joy into our lives than by mindfully practicing authenticity.

Brené Brown

allowing

generative listening allows for the emergent to arise. in the stillness of thought, and the feeling-with of heart, insights may arise. these are our messengers from the future, our solutions, and our growth. in relationship emergence often happens as the “third view” or space: my opinion, your opinion, and the third possibility that holds both our views. it is through this allowing that we create a different future, and transform ourselves. this allowing often presents as letting go. by allowing the current reality, no matter how painful, i’m letting go of the dream of it being otherwise. this liberates me to take action, or to speak in a way that is new.

when love is present the heart opens and something is shared beyond knowing. as a witness to this work i can only be amazed, like a child watching the dawn and wondering what is being born. i only know that i have to be vulnerable and give myself, not to another person, but to the divine that is hidden. in my vulnerability i have to listen, half in this world, half somewhere else, and to talk as i feel, not restricted by the inhibitions of the world.

Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee

intention

Scharmer sees intention as the way we activate the field of possibility. when i am there with the intent to be of service to the emergent, or wholeness, an alignment of purpose and action takes place. i’m able to change course if needed, and this creates the possibility for the new to emerge.

deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. you can call it compassionate listening. you listen with only one purpose; to help him or her to empty his heart. 

Thich Nhat Hahn

safety

we’re typically concerned with having a discussion that is safe for our personality. we’re only able to feel safe when everyone agrees and no blind spots are being pointed out. this is very far removed from the safety that is necessary in generative listening. in generative listening, holding safety means first of all belonging to yourself. there is deep acceptance, groundedness, acknowledgment, and allowing new information or insight. nothing is regarded as “wrong,” since the intent is focused on illuminating understanding and being with. no outcome is expected, but the intent remains focused on what is true now, and what wants to be said. we’re not in the safety of sleep but in the safety of conscious choice.

the practice of deep listening is the practice of open inquiry. without assumption or judgment.

Sharon Weil

summary

so, let’s look at the four levels of listening from the view of what is present, what is not heard, the limitation of each level, and what is required to deepen at each level.

becoming aware of defensive listening

one way to get a sense of where we are functioning in terms of listening capacity is by becoming aware of our speech patterns and those of others. defensive listening is not difficult to identify, because it has the strong characteristic of not responding to another, but reacting to what is said. we experience this when we notice:

how we interrupt or get interrupted: we may interrupt by speaking over others or by changing the topic, or not hearing the feeling or flow. when you notice this, take a minute to feel what you feel when you are interrupted and what strong feeling you were feeling when you interrupted.

look for “but!”: when we start a sentence with “but!” and there is a charge behind our words we are already defensive. we’re not hearing others’ feelings, but want to reason with their reasoning, or view. once again, notice what you are feeling, and what you feel when you are on the receiving end of the “but!”

accusation or blame: notice when you start sentences with “you!,” in being with others. we often defend by accusation, blame, or counter-argument. we’re often not aware that others are telling us something about themselves. when we take a defensive stance we cannot go deeper into feeling with others.

remember to be kind with yourself in what you notice. it can be quite stark when we suddenly begin to see ourselves and others more clearly and with less automatic reaction. that is another way of finding your own defensiveness. simply pay attention to things you typically and automatically say, often as a joke. humor is often used as a defense.

becoming aware of reflective listening

once we have some experience in finding our own defensiveness and that of others, we are ready to work with opening our mind to the many diverse feelings and opinions encountered in dealing with daily reality. again, in your everyday conversations, become more aware of how you are responding to others. are you aware of how others are thinking and are you open enough to listen even where you feel different? are you able to put these differences into words? are you able to make space for an argument or reasoning that is different from yours, even when it is uncomfortable?

what do you notice in your own thoughts? are you aware of repetitive thought patterns or obsessive thoughts? do you generally think positively about yourself and others, or negatively? once again, be very aware of when you make things ”right” or “wrong”, and invite yourself back to simply noticing.

at the end of the day, take ten minutes to sit down or lie in bed, recalling your day from the moment you got up to this moment where you find yourself ready for sleep. what happened in your day? what do you notice in your being with others? what is your impact on them, and their impact on you? what are the forms of relating? this kind of reflection does not only develop our memory, but also serves as a very potent practice in becoming more aware of how others perceive us.

becoming aware of empathic listening

make time to listen to the person closest to you on a daily basis. this can be over a meal, as a dedicated practice (where both are engaging with it and the purpose is clear to both) or simply in your everyday listening.

in listening to others, try to focus on what they are feeling in what they are saying, the tone in which it is said, the charge of emotion if any, the gestures and facial expression. the body is a very powerful transmitter of our most basic feelings, moods, and patterns of presence, or lack thereof. our skilfulness in “reading” another’s body is not the result of our mental interpretation of others’ words or actions, but rather a very deeply felt-sense of others’ experience. it is subtle and it takes practice to sensitize ourselves to it. many people will “feel” it as an intuition or a “glimpse” into the heart of others.

this ability takes time to develop and therefore is a life-practice. we know that we are becoming more skilful at it when we notice fewer reactions in our being with others, and more thoughtfulness, reflection, simplicity, and a deep feeling of respect and warmth towards others. it is the basis for conscious relationship and allows us to touch deeply into being.

metacommunication

in relationship it is often most necessary to talk about the way we communicate with one another (communicate about communicating). as we have different strategies for fulfilling our needs, we can easily misunderstand an intent, or project our own fears onto the situation. and once we start snapping at one another, it is good to pause and reflect on how we want to communicate.

one model that we can use to help ourselves understand how to listen and respond is the “four-ears model,” developed by Friedemann Schulz von Thun. in this model we can view another’s message in terms of four layers of information.

von Thun describes the multi-layered messaging that takes place when we speak. every message contains four types of information that the ear can become sensitive to.

factual information

part of the information is simply factual and universally accepted, for instance, “the window is open,” or “there’s a tree.” this includes any statement that is matter of fact, data, or news.

self-revealing

another part of the person’s message gives us insight into what they’re saying about themselves. “the window is open,” may mean “i’m cold,” or “there’s a tree,” may mean sharing in the beauty of it. the speaker tells us something about their values, motives or emotions.

implied relationship

everything we say to another may also reveal something about how we see our relationship to them. i may, for instance, see our relationship as one of reciprocal care, so that my “the window is open,” implies that i’d like you to close the window.

the need, or appeal

finally, everything that we say implies some form of need. it can be a physical need, such as having the window closed, or an emotional need, like understanding or empathy. this part can be expressed as a desire, advice, or instruction.

each layer can be misunderstood. von Thun’s classic example is of a front-seat passenger who tells the driver: “hey, the traffic lights are green.” depending on the ear that is listening, the driver could hear a fact, or a command (“drive now”). from the relationship side, it could be understood as trying to help, or criticism. and self-revelation could mean that the speaker is in a hurry. emphasis of a side can alter the meaning, and cause more misunderstanding. the speaker may be making an appeal, whereas the listener could hear a relationship message.

here is an example from Wikipedia:

two people are eating a home-cooked meal together. the speaker, who did help prepare the food, says: “there is something green in the soup.”

speaker
factual: there is something green.
self-revealing: i don’t know what it is.
relationship: you should know what it is (as you made it).
appeal: tell me what it is!

listener
factual: there is something green.
self-revealing: you don’t know what it is and it makes you uncomfortable.
relationship: you think my cooking is questionable.
appeal: i should only cook what you know in the future!

the other answers: “if you don’t like the taste, you can cook it yourself.”

because there is so much possibility for misunderstanding, as listener and speaker, we can focus on the following:

practice

when our way of speaking or enquiring becomes important to us, we step yet again into a space of practicing. we may already know how to contain our reaction, or the methods for doing so, but you can also see that this practice is one of greater skills at listening and speaking.

i can either begin by focusing on listening to the factual statement, as well as the emotion that is possibly felt, and then expand this into the possible relationship and personal need. another way would be to discuss the method with my partner, and when we begin to escalate, to stop and try to see the different layers of information. as painful as it may be, it would also build a deep trust in one another, and a sense of moving together. finally, we can make time to talk about our beliefs around relationship, our expectations of one another, and the things that we may say that can cause pain.

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