listening

welcome to listening and speaking. in these programs you may encounter some words which have no meaning to you. this is done intentionally, for two reasons:

1. we hope it will trigger your curiosity (wanting to know) rather than your resistance (don’t care). without this curiosity — which is what leads to insight — we cannot walk the journey. it would feel too hard. we are invested in being asleep to ourselves and reality.
2. we trust that it will help you to slow down, which is the other necessary component of growth. when we slow down, it is possible to be mindful, which makes it possible to work with our habits.

please bear with us. it does not matter that you understand every concept. it matters more that you slowly recognize the processes described here, in your own consciousness. if you read it again, it will just deepen your understanding. it does not matter what your level of maturity is, it matters that you know, and know what to do to help you grow. it takes psychologists more than the years of their training to become truly aware of their own psyche, and so it won’t be different for you.

introduction

listening and speaking are the places where we can most clearly observe our own psychological processes, be they thought- or feeling-based. they are also the areas where we can most directly work with changing our habits. in order to recognize the growth in moving from mindfulness through meditation and into being-knowing, we only need to ask whether our listening and speaking have changed, and how. both are direct expressions of our state of mind. when we’re not aware of that state, it simply means that we’re caught in a very narrow way of seeing the world.

mindfulness allows us to take more information into account. when we are mindful, perception is not constricted by a narrow lens, or by reactivity. deep attention, and the willingness to be open to another or reality, allows us to see more fully. it also allows us to recognize our habitual patterns, and to consciously choose to adjust our behavior to attain different outcomes. so, for example, if i know that a certain phrase upsets you, i may choose to word it differently, in a way that is more acceptable for you. knowing my personality patterns, i may see where it becomes unconscious or habitual, and choose to act with more attention and curiosity.

good, let’s get into listening. and remember, the following is applicable to how we listen to others, and to ourselves.

the first duty of love is to listen.

Paul Tillich

stop for a moment.

reflect on the statement. what does it mean for you? where in your life is it true? what does it awaken in you? there’s no need to judge what comes up. we want to know ourselves. when we judge, the mind closes and makes things “wrong.” our work is to open our mind and heart.

without attention or mindfulness, we respond quickly, automatically, and with no concentration or deliberate effort. you may recognize this in the way you drive a car or do a familiar task. our unconscious habits and personality are behind how we reason, what we feel, and what we say, think, and do. it takes the effort of attending to see ourselves.

when you talk, you are only repeating what you already know.
but if you listen, you may learn something new.

Dalai Lama

with some reflection, it is easy to see the truth of these statements. and yet, if one is attentive, or mindful, it is also clear that little of that truth is embodied in us. we’ve lost the qualities of heartful listening and speech. we’ve replaced relating with transaction — communicating on the basis of “you owe me” and “i’ll do x if you do y.” our perception is so infused with self-identification and wanting that we cannot feel-know one another. we run after so many things in the world that we never come home, to ourselves.

watch your thoughts; they become words.
watch your words; they become actions.
watch your actions; they become habits.
watch your habits; they become your character
watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Lao Tzu

when we’re caught in an argument with another, we’re most at risk of defaulting to our habitual patterns, reacting according to our beliefs. we become defensive, and without knowing this, or noticing, we can only repeat an old pattern. it is in this space that words are most powerful — where we can do most harm, or love most deeply, through what and how we listen and speak. it is difficult, in the moment of hearing a painful truth from a partner or friend, to keep our minds stable enough to not react or defend. we tend to automatically defend ourselves, even when we were not actually being attacked. the other may just be trying to say something about themself and their experience. let’s unpack that a bit.

Jane and June

Jane and June have a longstanding friendship and they've become tolerant of one anothers' automatic reactions, but now and then, when they feel exhausted, tempers flare. a typical situation is June not clearing up after herself, and Jane experiencing this as a slight to her neatness (which she calls a caring for the other).

your first response to this scenario may be your own feelings about the two characters. you’re likely to understand one or the other better, and feel with them. and your mind may be ready to launch another diatribe on why the other’s view is faulty. that is identification — a defense mechanism. you are fearful of being wrong, or of the result of what you regard as wrong. so, even as you’re listening to Jane and June’s story, your mind is already doing the stuff that we’re talking about. and when we can see this, we become able to manage it.

as a next response, you may wonder what more can be said about the content of Jane and June’s words. there is a lot there. we need mindfulness and self-awareness to start seeing it. neither party is hearing the other’s feelings, and they both want the other to change. so, neither is listening to the other. the painfulness of not being heard is what the fight is really about.

Jane and June listening

what might it sound like if June heard Jane?

now June is hearing Jane's feelings, knowing what she might be feeling (empathy), and what if Jane really heard June's reaction?

now Jane is really listening. she hears the difference between personalities. she may even own her projection — “cleaning up is caring” is how she sees the world and so she projects this belief onto others — they should also do it, since “it is care.” which, of course, is not really true. there are many more forms of care. and what Jane calls “care,” June may feel as intrusion, or demand.

learning to stand in somebody else’s shoes, to see through their eyes, that’s how peace begins. and it’s up to you to make that happen. empathy is a quality of character that can change the world.

Barack Obama

we think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that i know.

Carl Rogers

what is listening?

the Chinese pictogram for listening is made up of a few other pictograms. on the left you have the sign for the “ear”; and on the right, from top to bottom, you have the sign for “you,” followed by the sign for “eyes,” then the sign for “attention,” and finally the sign for “heart.”

when we look into a child’s face as we’re reading them a story, we see the form of natural, undefended listening. the child is utterly receptive to not only what you say, but the emotions conveyed. a change in your tone will also lead to a change in their features. their focused attention is clear, and they’re curious to find out, to know more. even more so, when we connect with that child around their experience, and we are truly listening, we will find our own mind takes the shape of their experience and emotion.

more than hearing

when we pay attention to our own, or others’ listening, we may notice that most people seem to listen with the intent to reply. interiorly, or mentally, as the other is speaking, you notice yourself preparing a reply. or you notice that you just hear them out, in order to have your turn. the conversation never deepens, and is merely an exchange of information. there is little reflection and no introspection.

whereas hearing is accidental, involuntary, and effortless, listening is deeply focused, voluntary, and intentional. the one happens “to” me, and the other happens “from” me. in hearing, i’m merely a spectator; but in listening, i’m a participant. the intent which i have in listening is not replying, but rather understanding, and “feeling with,” or empathy. there is deep reflection, introspection, and even neuroception (sensing the other’s feeling empathically).

hearing

• accidental
• involuntary
• effortless

listening

• focused
• voluntary
• intentional

presencing - Theory U

Otto Scharmer has significantly enriched our understanding of listening and speaking. his Theory U is a social change model applied internationally in organizations and governments. Scharmer says that if we want to bring about change, it is important to allow the 3 movements of the U. first we have to gather enough information about our problem, and get the perspectives of as many people as possible. then it becomes important to retreat and reflect deeply. he calls this process “presencing” — connecting to the source, or the field of available information — and gives many examples of how it can be done. in this stillness and willingness to be fully present to the observations we’ve made, and the feelings they invoke in us, insight often emerges, and then we can act in a new way. in the stillness of presencing we sense what the future calls for and “see” this new way.

deepening levels of listening

Scharmer also maintains that by deepening and focusing our attention, we can deepen our listening ability, and expand our speech capacity. he gives a very clear description of this process.

take a moment to read through the image, slowly, and listen to what your mind throws up. if you are already criticizing yourself, be aware of it. and if you are already creating categories and drawing connections in your mind, be aware of that. and, of course, boredom. become friendly with it. you are just used to being overstimulated, and you want to slow down and become more aware of the processes happening in your mind.

stage 1 listening: hearing and reacting

at stage 1, there is no listening. we are merely hearing, and we use this hearing to unconsciously discern where we are in relationship to the other and the content being spoken about. it is very common in social conversation. there is no depth to the conversation. concepts or ideas surface, and then easily and rapidly change. unconsciously, we are steering away from anything that is emotional, personal, or too revealing. we are “talking about,” idealizing, and fantasizing, and all of these processes are aimed at a perceived (not felt) connection. unconscious comparing and measuring are also common. “our last holiday was so peaceful...,” responded to with “it reminds me of when we (even more peaceful)...” we chew the cud. from a perspective of presence, we are utterly asleep. you won’t hear many questions in this type of interaction, but exclamations are very common.

what is happening egoically at this stage? the person is defensive and closed-minded. everything the other says is taken personally and, if experienced as threatening, the situation can easily become explosive. the person is attending from the defensive “i” in themselves. neither party is aware of what is going on beneath the surface, and both are defensive. and then one day you hear someone say “but can’t you just open the window a bit?” or even better, you say that to yourself.

stage 2: reflective listening

we’ve arrived at the second stage. like all the attainments in life, it is not an arrival which has no difficulties left. we have to bring the new stage slowly into every aspect of our lives.

now, listening becomes active, because attending has begun. the defenses are suspended. what you say is interesting to me, even though i may not agree with you. we can debate and we can reflect. we can make big plans together, because we’ve overcome the solid defense. i can see you as another who works on the same goal. this is the kind of conversation you’ll find in a boardroom or a laboratory. or two friends having a friendly debate to push one another’s envelope a bit.

egoically, i’m now more integrated and skillful. i recognize ideas for what they really are, and do not feel threatened by them, even though i may choose another way. i can now stand on my own edge and see your world more objectively. i may still defend my values, my emotions and fears, but i’m more open-minded. i have taken the big leap of overcoming the voice of judgment (VoJ) — the critic inside that does not allow for anything besides its own logic and assumptions (self-referencing). this voice of judgment says: “people who don’t think like me are wrong.” once this voice is outgrown, the person will begin attending from the self which has a goal/ theory (i-in-it).

practicing reflective listening

awareness practice: become aware of your judgments (in words, actions, and thoughts). be aware when you don’t like something, or have a strong opinion about it. why do you feel this way? what scares you about the other’s view? why is their way “wrong,” and yours “right?” what about their way can benefit yours?

in conversation: focus on the factual information and the way it is presented. what does it tell you about the other? what is their main point? what is their thinking, logic, or strategy? give reassurance of interest, and aim to help the person clarify their thinking.

the essence of reflective listening is that you want to understand the person better and clarify what you've heard. it is then normal to ask many reflective questions, to verify your understanding, summarizing what you're hearing, and observing the person's body language. it is also helpful to visualize what the person is saying.

typical reflective inquiry
"it sounds like... it seems as if... what i hear you saying... my sense is... help me get clear, earlier you said, but now you're saying..."

stage 3: empathic listening

to move into empathic listening, i have to overcome the voice of the cynic (VoC). this is the voice of pure reason or intellect, which drives out feelings for their irrationality. when i begin to take the more emotional voices around me seriously, i may be ready for the next transition. only at this third stage of deepening can there be true connection. it will not necessarily be the deepest connection but, for the first time, i can now hear the other, not only through their thinking, but also through their feeling. when they speak i hear the feelings, or sense the feelings, even though they may not use emotional terms. we’ll say the listener has a heart. and he hears with his heart. or he is perceptive and emotionally intelligent.

where previously the person could be open-minded, they now retain that capacity, but add to it a further capacity — that of being open-hearted. they may or may not be aware of their neuroception, but what they would be aware of, is that they are a good listener. others are drawn to them, because there is true connection. others feel heard through their capacity for empathy and, more importantly, they feel safe to express themselves. and here we already have the seed of the next stage, which allows that safety to be everywhere.

what is happening egoically? the empathic and open-hearted person is able to move beyond their own boundaries and be directly touched by your experience. they are operating from i-in-you, so that the attending has become reflective and empathic. they are standing with you in your experience, not trying to make it better, but being with it. and you can sense it, so that it helps you relax and become more vulnerable. when we can speak our deepest truth with another, and it is safely held, that truth comes home. we accept ourselves, as they are already doing so. it is the deepest gift you can give another: the experience of feeling seen, heard-felt, and safe. if this becomes a natural characteristic of the person’s relationships, or embodied, it gives way to stage 4, or generative listening.

practicing empathic listening

the empathic listener moves beyond themselves to join the other in their feeling, empathically. empathy is best assessed by the person's response to your statements. when they can talk in more depth, feel deep relief, or gain better self-understanding, you've connected empathically. the empathic listener is deeply aware that you may forget what s/he said but will not forget how you made them feel.

in empathic listening you listen with your ears, but you also, and more importantly, listen with your eyes and with your heart. you listen for feeling, for meaning. you listen for behaviour. you use your right brain as well as your left. you sense, you intuit, you feel. you have to open yourself up to be influenced.

Stephen Covey

awareness practice: allow yourself to perceive more directly, less based on your intellectual understandings or theories. focus on others’ tone, gestures, and emotional words, and allow yourself to sense into their experience. learn to converse mindfully.

in conversation: be the listener that is receptive or sensitive to the full range of experiences shared by the other. respond from your authentic self, and with compassion. you will respond with a tone which is appropriate, and may even be regulating for both.

next session

we’ve covered the first three stages of listening. for most of us the third stage is still undeveloped, and simply expanding ourselves to that point would bring about deep maturing. in the next session, we’ll look at the first three stages of speaking, before we step into the deeper forms of listening and speaking.