self-esteem

what do you feel good about in yourself?
what do you love about yourself?

reflect for a moment on those questions. look into your heart and find what feels good, and what is good about you. when you come across a response, feel its reality in your experience, and the fragrance it leaves. regard yourself.

according to psychologists Nancy Adler and Judith Stewart, self-esteem refers to a person’s overall sense of his/her value or worth; an interior measure of how much a person values, approves of, appreciates, or likes him or herself.

self-esteem is quite simply one’s attitude toward oneself. it is either favourable or unfavourable.

Morris Rosenberg

self-confidence vs self-esteem

most people get confused between self-esteem and self-confidence. self-esteem has to do with whether and how much you approve of yourself. when you hold someone else in high esteem, you approve of them, and similarly, when you have high self-esteem, you approve of yourself.

self-confidence, on the other hand, is more about doing than being, and revolves around knowledge, certainty, and experience. when you believe you are capable of a task, you will show confidence. self-confidence is contextual, and can change in different situations. self-esteem is an inward perspective, built on personal global appreciation, whereas self-confidence is an outward projection, built on achievement and experience.

we can feel confident even in the absence of high self-esteem, and, conversely, raising our self-confidence will not necessarily raise our self-esteem. our lack of acceptance or approval of ourselves will not necessarily be mended by climbing the career ladder, gaining competence and experience, or even becoming a celebrity. many people sadly come to this realization once they have gotten to the pinnacle of their chosen field, only to find out that they still fundamentally dislike themselves. how we feel about ourselves is private and immediate, and achievement may not change the quality of that feeling.

high self-confidence + high self-esteem tends to result in real security
high self-confidence + low self-esteem tends to result in false confidence, or pretense
low self-confidence + low self-esteem tends to result in insecurity
low self-confidence + high self-esteem tends to resultg in social anxiety.

William James was a psychologist in the infancy of psychology, yet his formula for self-esteem holds true today.

self-esteem = success/pretension

pretension here means how we claim to feel about ourselves. what we say about ourselves may not be embodied in our actions when we’re alone, and these solitary actions give a much clearer indication of self-esteem. self-esteem, therefore, is the number of times we act with care towards ourselves, divided by our pretenses.

until you value yourself, you will not value your time. until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.

M. Scott Peck

platitudes like “always look on the bright side,” or endless recitations of affirmations are not sufficient if we truly want to feel better about ourselves. in fact, they may do the opposite. if we permanently tell ourselves how we should be and feel, and permanently fail at it, we can only feel worse. we may succeed in “riding a narrative” of positivity for a while, but if it is not based in true acceptance and approval of self, it will come crashing down sooner or later.

Martin Seligman — a prominent figure in the positive psychology movement — reminds us that confidence cannot be artificially injected. giving praise for sloppy work or rewarding an unachieved goal will not lead to increases in confidence. it is only through embodying the practice of heathy relationship with self that we can grow.

the difference between low self-esteem and high self-esteem is the difference between passivity and action.

Nathaniel Branden

the six pillars of self-esteem

in his ground-breaking book How to Raise your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden defines self-esteem as based on two factors.

1. the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life (self-efficacy), and
2. feeling worthy of happiness and self-respect. feeling the power to create the life you want. experiencing difficulties, but staying in control.

seen in this way, self-esteem expresses along a continuum where zero is feeling oneself to be a helpless victim, and ten meaning great self-respect and the recognition that you are the most valuable aspect of your life.

Branden suggests that we can build our self-esteem by focusing on the practices of the six pillars of self-esteem. we introduce them underneath and intersperse the material with other relevant practices.

1. practice of living consciously

living consciously means taking responsibility for the awareness appropriate to the action in which we are engaged. this, above all, is the foundation of self-confidence and self-respect.

Nathaniel Branden

change and uncertainty create suffering. our reactivity, self-sabotage and habitual patterns of thinking, speaking and acting remain mostly unconscious until we begin to pay attention and become self-aware. when we live consciously, we’re less bothered by how others see us or how they want us to be, and more concerned with who we want to be in our circumstance. living consciously also means that we do not experience the world as only full of problems, since we’re able to work with those problems and grow from the experience they contain. we are discerning and self-honest, basing our actions on reflective presence followed by action or response to circumstance. for the person living consciously there is a constant thread of mindfulness and meditation in action.

confidence is not a name for what one thinks or feels about his attitude; it is not reflex. it denotes the straightforwardness with which one goes at what he has to do. it denotes not conscious trust in the efficacy of one's powers but unconscious faith in the possibilities of the situation. it signifies rising to the needs of the situation. 

John Dewey

replace your goals with values

instead of holding ourselves hostage to want we should do, we can also focus on who we want to be. this brings us to values. unlike goals or objectives, our values are always at hand. we can always focus on who we want to be, even when our goals are not yet accomplished. by consistently aligning your behavior to your ideals, true self-esteem is built. every time you follow through on a commitment you made to another or yourself you are reminding yourself that you are trustworthy and reliable, and every time you fail to follow through you chip away at your self-esteem, reminding yourself that you are not reliable or trustworthy. it is sometimes difficult to follow through, but much character is built when we do so despite obstacles and challenges.

character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries.

James Mitchener

reflecting on values

think about the things that are most important to you, both big, such as improving a relationship, or small, such as keeping a space neat.

now, get specific. why is it important to you? what does the behavior giving expression to the value look like? and not? decide on the behavior you want to change. you’ll find a good problem-solving model in the self-awareness and self-regulation programs. follow through with curiosity and the desire to learn from your experience.

2. practice of self-acceptance

the curious paradox is that when i accept myself just as i am, then i can change.

Carl Rogers

to be aware of myself is the first practice. next comes a practical attitude that focuses on improving what i can and accepting what i cannot change. this acceptance is an active and continuous process. i don’t push what i cannot change out of consciousness, especially when it has high impact on others, but learn to work with those aspects in difficult situations. simply by knowing what about me might be difficult for another already sensitizes me to softening my impact. self-acceptance goes much deeper. we stop comparing. it is more important to know yourself as you really are, including your strengths and challenges. when we become more mature at self-acceptance, we understand that it also includes accepting this moment as it is.

accept and commit to your life

when we truly accept our difficulties, including mental health issues, they become workable. when i know that anxiety or anger plague me, i can also use those very instances to be reminded of the commitment i’m making to my own health and functioning, and learn to not turn away from difficulties but lean in and try in a different way. we can become curious about anxiety or depression. how can i make it easier for myself when in those conditions? what ways do i know to self-soothe and bring myself back to a calm grounded state? what does the body-mind need? remind yourself that you’re not your thoughts or your feelings and that in hindsight things may be clearer.

use gentle self-talk

how we habitually talk to ourselves determines how we feel about ourselves. the main way in which we harm ourselves is through critical or dismissive self-talk. if your inner voice is harsh, critical, or pessimistic, get in there. talk back. rely on yourself to restate what is said in a more gentle and caring way. notice when you say things like "i screwed up that interview,” and replace it with a more honest and gentle approach, “the last part of the interview did not go well, but i’m proud of myself for the first part.” this is not sugar-coating reality or avoiding difficulty, it is full acknowledgement of reality whist remaining kind to- and accepting of- ourselves. you can get more pointers and practices in cognitive distortions, and also in this emotional intelligence section. also take a look at the working with the inner critic program.

i don’t want everyone to like me; i should think less of myself if some people did.

Henry James

3. practice of self-responsibility

if it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. if we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.

Richard Bach

nobody is really ever a victim, since circumstances do not govern happiness. it is true that we are all shaped by our circumstances and experiences, but leaning into blame and victimhood will not heal or even soothe us, except, perhaps, for a brief moment. there is a big difference between acknowledging and working with what has happened to us — including the ways in which we have been hurt — and just blaming others for what happened. self-empowerment cannot blame self or another. when we refuse to live responsibly, we expect others to change to fit our view of the world, which only increases our and others’ suffering. you are the only one who is fully responsible for your personality, your attitudes, and your happiness, regardless of what happened in the past. it is your happiness that allows others to access theirs.

identify your true strengths

reflect on what you naturally do well, even if it means starting with a list of things that you like to do. why do you like those activities? what are the characteristics that enable you to do them easily and well? what are the qualities that allow you to feel this confidence and ease?

be aware of and take care of negative thoughts and moods

most often our anxiety and depression stem from negative thought patterns and cognitive distortions. be aware of what you think and how you speak. listen to yourself like you would a friend, and coax, cajole, and invite yourself into healthier patterns. engage with your critic in a conscious way. learn to ask yourself questions like “am i sure that will happen?” or “if it happens, what will i be like some time from now?”

honesty and self-honesty

when we make a habit of creating excuses where we have not followed through on promises, we become self-deceiving. this deception might be visible to others before you are even aware of it. ask yourself whether you’d respect someone who habitually lies. can you be fully respected when you don’t follow through on your promises? do you think others may be aware of how you find excuses not to commit to your promises?

excuses are lies wrapped up in reasons.

Howard Wright

4. practice self-assertiveness

nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Eleanore Roosevelt

assertiveness means navigating challenges and other personalities with grace and compassion, no matter how difficult. when we’re assertive we show clarity of self-expression of our needs and feelings. we all have triggers and buttons, and our first step is to bring awareness to those. knowing where we become reactive and being able to name the reactiveness becomes the very place where we look deeper. ask yourself: “what in this situation is painful for me, and why? how can i hold myself in this pain?” from this space of calm, we can express our feelings and needs clearly:

you will find more examples of assertiveness in our boundaries and assertiveness program.

maturity includes the recognition that no one is going to see anything in us that we don’t see in ourselves. stop waiting for a producer, produce yourself.

Marianne Williamson

5. practice of living purposefully

life is difficult for everyone. finding ways to make life meaningful and purposeful… doing the activities that you love and spending time with the people you love… i think that’s the meaning of this human experience.

Steve Gleason

know what you really want, especially in the longer term. inquire into why you do what you do. cultivate the willingness to express these reasons. “work for a cause, not applause. live life to express, not to impress.”

real change happens when our actions are based on a high degree of curiosity about ourselves, and when that curiosity reaches into our triggers and habits, both pleasant and unpleasant. live with a purpose bigger than yourself, or serving more than just yourself. embody your values. make healing yourself or growing yourself part of your purpose.

think about others as much as yourself

continual preoccupation with our problems creates an inescapable hole of depression or anxiety. by focusing on friends or animals we become distracted and able to access our empathy. take up activities of care, even as simple as recycling, and use them as occasions to connect with others or the planet. for some of us, it is better to say it the other way round. think about yourself as much as you do others. the essence is that true self-esteem comes from balancing our needs and those of others. keep your promises to yourself as much as you would those to others.

the consciousness of knowing how to make oneself useful, how to help mankind in many ways, fills the soul with noble confidence.

Maria Montessori

6. practice of personal integrity

our self-respect tracks our choices. every time we act in harmony with our authentic self and our heart, we earn our respect. it is that simple, every choice matters.

Dan Coppersmith

if you’ve signed up to feed rescue puppies at 09:00, then be there at 09:00 and ready to feed the puppies, not having a conversation with your friend. the more we live with integrity the less defensive we are, and that also means becoming more attuned with our intuition. for people with a strong integrity there is often a listening to an inner drum, no matter what others may say. the person lives unapologetically, expressing themselves fully, and knowing that integrity does not mean perfection but authenticity. through authenticity we’re able to deeply connect with what we’re working with, turning towards difficulty again and again, striving for the best relationship.

the quality of authenticity

the authentic self is quality-centred rather than particular outcome- or form-centred. It is deeply self-accepting, other-accepting, and realistic. authenticity is vulnerable and courageous, and will readily step into difficult conversation. there is self-respect, respect, and deep honesty. there is heart-felt connection.

a ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.

Mahatma Gandhi

to be authentic, we must cultivate the courage to be imperfect — and vulnerable. we have to believe that we are fundamentally worthy of love and acceptance, just as we are. i’ve learned that there is no better way to invite more grace, gratitude and joy into our lives than by mindfully practicing authenticity.

Brené Brown

gratitude practice

why would being grateful have anything to do with self-esteem? think about it. when i’m grateful, i see what is right or good. when i’m critical, i see what is wrong or bad. furthermore, when i’m grateful, my state of mind changes radically so that there is an experience of success or achievement. by being real about gratitude, i make myself aware of something that feels good and makes me feel good about myself. this shift in the mental pattern is immensely healing and supportive to growth.

remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. try approving of yourself and see what happens.

Louise L. Hay

the abcd of self-esteem

the most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.

C.G. Jung

self-compassion is the strongest growth agent

real self-love isn’t about ‘treating yourself’… because real self-love is less about babying yourself and more about parenting yourself.

Heidi Priebe

true self-love or self-compassion is immensely powerful in raising our self-esteem. but self-compassion is not indulging ourselves, it means working with our minds, taking care of ourselves, our states, and our moods.

when we strive after high self-esteem, the striving itself can become a problem. in striving, we may be continually comparing our attainments with our idealized attainments. that, in turn, leads to an ongoing sense of failure. it is much more helpful and powerful to learn to self-love. through self-love we coax, cajole and invite ourselves into growth, and each experience is gradually evaluated on its own merits. i can celebrate when i’m able to fulfil my self-regulatory commitment. i can also feel compassion for myself when i don’t make it, and use the same self-compassion to prompt myself into the next attempt.

instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings — after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

Kristin Neff

for Kristin Neff, self-compassion is made up of three components. firstly, we are willing to be self-kind, supportive of self and treating ourselves like we would a friend. secondly, we know that the antidote for isolation and feeling alone in our struggles is relying on common humanity. everyone makes mistakes and suffering is a universal experience. thirdly, we are mindful, willing to observe ourselves with a non-judgmental awareness, and present to our experience. we’ll speak more deeply of Kristin’s work on self-compassion in the meditation section.

the greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.

Michel de Montaigne