self-compassion

a true friend stays present
with you in times of sorrow.
she listens deeply,
feels what you feel,
but never tries to fix or change you.
she knows you are not broken.
be a true friend to yourself.
Jeff Foster

self-compassion is giving to ourselves what many of us easily give to others. in terms of action, we may give space and time, listening, and open heartedness. in terms of thinking, we may be thoughtful about others’ needs, non-judgmental, and allowing for processing, grief, and reflection. in terms of emotion, we may be aware of others’ emotions, feeling with them rather than evaluating, denying, or dismissing them. reflect on these qualities, and what would it look like to give them to yourself.

self-compassion is a practice in which we learn to be a good friend to ourselves when we need it most — to become an inner ally rather than an inner enemy.

Kristin Neff

debunking the myths

self-compassion is self-pitying or egocentric

• self-compassion is seeing things as they are and responding, rather than egocentric reacting
• it acknowledges its own suffering and recognizes suffering in others
• it takes a perspective (“what is best for now?”), whereas egocentrism is one-sided (“i must have….”).

self-compassion is self-indulgent

• self-indulgence is what i want, self-compassion is what i need
• self-indulgence has a short-term view, whereas self-compassion has a long-term view
• self-indulgence includes only me, where self-compassion includes everyone.

self-criticism is a necessary and effective motivator

• criticism simply makes us fear failure, and makes us lose sight of the potential that is right here, and of things as they are in reality
• inviting, coaxing, holding, supporting, and encouraging are all much more powerful ways of motivating ourselves than criticizing ourselves
• with self-criticism we’re both the attacker and the attacked.

the practices of self-compassion originated from the compassion teachings of Mahayana Buddhism, and have been expanded by modern-day attachment theory, trauma theory, and compassion-based forms of therapy.

the state of self-compassion

hold a tight fist for a few moments. what emotions come up for you? what does the experience evoke? now release the fist and turn your palm upwards. what feelings are now evoked? what has shifted? now place one hand on top of the over and fold the hands over your chest. what does this feel like? feel the chest rising and falling beneath the hands. when we are open-hearted, we may feel a sense of warmth and care towards ourselves, a non-defensive tenderness.

for most people the closed fist will trigger emotions of anger, resistance, and going against. this is what we feel when we’re criticizing, rigid, or judgmental. with the open hand facing upward we may feel a sense of relief, spaciousness, and freedom. we can be mindful, allowing things to be as they are. and when the hands are crossed over our heart, we may have sense of self-compassion — coming closer to ourselves, holding ourselves, and giving ourselves what we really need.

what you do for yourself – any gesture of kindness, any gesture of gentleness, any gesture of honesty and clear seeing toward yourself – will affect how you experience your world. in fact, it will transform how you experience the world. what you do for yourself, you’re doing for others, and what you’re doing for others, you’re doing for yourself.  

Pema Chödrön 

three components of self-compassion

according to Kristin Neff, who’s work we will mainly be focusing on, self-compassion consists of three components:

1. self-kindness: being gentle and understanding with ourselves when we’re suffering, and paying attention to the process of suffering.
2. common humanity: realizing that we’re not alone in this struggle, that so many people world-wide are feeling exactly this same feeling in different circumstances. this very feeling is what unites us with humanity, and therefore the feeling cannot be wrong.
3. mindfulness: observing things as they are, without needing to be judgmental or suppressing our thoughts and feelings.

self-kindness

compassion isn’t some kind of self-improvement project or ideal that we’re trying to live up to. having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections that we don’t even want to look at.

Pema Chödrön 

at a reactive level, when we’re experiencing a painful feeling, we tend to:

• defend [counterattack, rationalize, deny, fixing behavior]
• judge [right-wrong view, blame]
• reframe [giving it meaning rather than attending to the feeling]
• ignore [seeking relief in activity, entertainment, distraction]
• personalize [hearing a message about us, rather than about another].

even more deeply, when we’ve been traumatized, the painful feeling may be experienced as an overwhelming threat, so that emotions become dysregulated and our survival drive kicks in. we either freeze, fight, flee, or fawn. you can get more information on these states, and how to work with them, in our trauma section.

let’s reflect for a moment on compassion. we may first notice that it means turning towards the pain or problem in another person or ourselves. we want to learn what is needed from the experience. to do this, we hold the painful feeling that we’re empathically connected with and feel with another or others. in this empathy, we resonate with others and become one with the humanity of the feeling, and through empathy, we give the message that the other person is not alone.

now let’s apply this compassion to ourselves in a moment of reactivity. we can realize that we don’t need to react to pain, and that instead we can gain knowledge about what is happening in our thoughts, feelings, and actions. as we work with self-regulation, we may recognize these moments and their content more deeply, and realize the opportunity that difficulty provides, namely the opportunity for real self-understanding, self-care, and to practice who we want to be. there are often times when we have to embrace difficulty or disillusionment because there is no solution, cure, or way to make things better, and this is where the power of self-compassion begins. at these times, reflect on the following questions:

• what can i do, think, or feel right now, to hold myself as i would a friend who was experiencing these same feelings?
• what can soothe my thinking, feeling, and the body?
• what needs to happen so that i can feel more safe and able to engage with my feelings?

essentially, self-kindness is letting go of the resistance that is present towards what is painful. we allow ourselves to soften towards the fullness of this moment’s reality, while keenly and consciously tracking what is happening. Neff also suggests that we can have a prepared reminder that we speak to ourselves in the moment of difficulty. she suggests:

we can see the three components of self-compassion in the reminder. it is mindfulness that tells us that we are experiencing suffering, and it is common humanity that reminds us that suffering is a part of life. then, it is self-kindness that looks for a compassionate response to the moment.

common humanity

the most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

for Neff, common humanity means recognizing that we are all human, imperfect, and prone to struggle from time to time. as we discuss in the three marks of existence, Buddhism has the view that suffering is what opens the heart to compassion. it is through remembering my pain and seeing it in another that empathy arises. suffering, therefore, cannot ever be meaningless or wrong. it is the other side of joy, and without it we would not know joy. every moment of suffering can be transformed into a moment of connection with others and ourselves. when we become aware of the part loss plays in our growth, it is even possible to realize how suffering is part of resilience-building.

sometimes the deepest self-compassion is to forgive others when we still feel anger and bitterness. forgiveness means letting go of our anger, and must involve grieving if it is to be true forgiveness, or true letting go. we must first open to the pain, remorse, guilt, or shame. forgiveness also does not mean condoning harmful actions. we need to protect ourselves before we can forgive. what we let go of is not the knowledge around the hurt, it is the anger. it is also helpful to remember that our anger is a product of endless causes, including our own temperament, history, and culture, and the same is true for whatever intention another may have had when they acted in the way that was hurtful to us.

there is no sense in punishing your future for the mistakes of your past. forgive yourself, grow from it, and then let it go.

Melanie Koulouris

the capacity to forgive requires a deep awareness of our common humanity. all our actions stem from interdependent conditions much larger than ourselves or our relationships. we can learn from our mistakes and those of others without taking everything too personally. we can be committed to not repeating harmful behavior, and move on from the pain.

Kirstin Neff defines five steps to forgiveness:

1. opening to pain [being present to the pain of what has happened]
2. self-compassion [allowing our hearts to be open and accepting of the pain]
3. wisdom [recognizing that the situation is not entirely personal but dependent on many interdependent causes]
4. intention to forgive [actions that wittingly or unwittingly caused pain]
5. responsibility to protect [not repeating the mistake, and staying out of harm’s way].

mindfulness

be mindful – understand that everyone makes mistakes, including yourself, be gentle – focus on what you can learn from the experience, be honest – evaluate yourself with honesty, knowing your impact on others. as long as you are breathing, there is more right with you, than wrong with you.

Jon Kabat-Zinn

being mindful means being aware of moment-to-moment experience with a clear and balanced mind. it means being open to the reality of the moment, and not losing ourselves in judgment, reactiveness, or withdrawal. when we accept who we are we can begin to work with ourselves. as the pioneering humanist psychologist Carl Rogers beautifully pointed out: “the curious paradox is that when i accept myself just as i am, then i can change.” of course, the other side of this paradox is that, rather than making us “better”, criticising and punishing ourselves keeps us stuck in our maladaptive patterns and self-destructive behaviours. 

mindfulness is the foundation of self-compassion. we need to leave our story and turn to our pain mindfully in order to respond with kindness. when we experience mindfulness, we see the world more directly, and less through the lens of thought. through mindfulness we can let go of the idea of what reality should be like and open up to how it is. this allows us to be with ourselves with courage and presence.

Neff describes how our default mode network — the parts of the brain that are active when nothing in particular is capturing our attention — does three things: 1. it creates a sense of self, 2. it projects this self onto past and future, and 3. it scans for problems. this might seem like a useful strategy, until we reflect on it. due to scanning for problems in the past or future, we are completely absent to what is happening right now. strictly speaking, we are out of touch with reality. when we are in this mode, we may be struggling, but have no awareness of this struggling. on the other hand, when we’re mindful, we notice the workings and processes of the mind. we know where we are and what is happening. from this spaciousness, we have the choice to respond to the situation.

mindfulness is also a quality of attention that accepts what is happening without evaluation or judgment. this attitude can be described as non-resistance, and helps us to slowly undo our expectations. acceptance means that we can acknowledge what is happening, even though we may not like it. we can let go of the expectation of how we wanted things to be.

what we feel, or know, we can heal, or work with. through self-compassion, we find the inner resources that provide us with safety in meeting difficult experiences. when we struggle, we touch ourselves with compassion, not as a way to feel better, but because we’re recognizing our challenging feelings. we give to our own need, and we bring open kindness to the suffering.

self-compassion and trauma

traumatized feelings are often the most repressed material in our consciousness. we have lived through a lifetime of avoiding these feelings and resisting any situation that may throw light on them. when this material finally surfaces, we may experience very intense emotions (shame, grief, fear, sadness), thoughts (“i’m all alone/ a failure/ unworthy”) and physical experiences (aches and pains, or bodily memories). all these reactions may appear suddenly, and be disproportionate to the current circumstance. these are the places where we most need self-compassion. we can work towards not becoming overwhelmed, and recognize that the surfacing of the pain is an indication of healing or becoming more conscious. when we are in overwhelm, we can physically soften the body, reduce mental agitation through mindfulness, and soothe and comfort ourselves emotionally.

state-practices like meditation, mindfulness, compassion, and self-compassion are immensely powerful in changing or healing the mind. practice means allowing yourselves to recognize the reaction and respond to it with self-compassion. instead of staying in the past or the future, we become aware of the state of self-compassion in this moment, and the way it changes our mood or attitude. repetitively recreating the state, and especially in the places where we have maladaptive reactions, means that we are learning a different emotional response.

loving-kindness and self-compassion

a moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. a string of such moments can change the course of your life. 

Christopher Gerner

in our discussion of the four energetic states of active awareness, we got to know loving-kindness. this state is a powerful form of self-compassion, but we need to find loving-kindness phrases that really speak to us, so that we can find a way to open the heart.

the phrases we use to invite ourselves back to loving-kindness are simple, clear, authentic, and kind. we want to feel gratitude when we say them to ourselves. the traditional phrases are built around the phrase “may i…”, but you don’t need to use “may i….” statements if you feel that they represent a wish or hope for a different future. for example, “may i feel better” can become “can i find the goodness already here.” loving-kindness phrases or reminders are not positive affirmations. we are not reaching for a different future. we are calling ourselves back to loving-kindness in this very moment. “may i” means “can i bring myself to….” focusing on what we actually need in this moment is helpful in finding phrases that will speak to us. Neff suggests some statements, and we’ve added other possibilities.

may i be kind to myself [can i find the kindness already present?]
may i begin to be kind to myself [can i accept the unkindness and be soft towards it?]
may i know that i belong [can i see how this moment has a message for me?]
may i live in peace [can i find the peace already present?]
may i rest in love [can i find the love already present?]

meeting difficult emotions

another immediate practice that we can do in any circumstance is what Neff calls “the soothing touch,” or “surreptitious self-hug.” as you’re sitting or standing, become aware of any part of your body that is making contact with an object or a different part of the body, for example your hands folded over one another, the pressure of a hand against a leg, the touch of soles to the floor, or the way the body is held by a chair. allow yourself to become deeply aware of this sensation of touch, and relax into it. keep it in your attention as you allow the waves of the emotion to wash over you.

Neff discerns five stages in meeting difficult emotions. each of these stages represent another layer in releasing the emotional resistance to the feeling:

resisting: driving the feeling away, ignoring, distracting oneself
exploring: turning towards the emotion with curiosity and gentleness
tolerating: safely holding the experience, even though i don’t like it
allowing: letting feelings come and go, or making space for emotions
befriending: finding the value in the difficult experience.

to make this process possible, we can focus on:

labelling, or naming emotion

naming our emotions makes it possible to create the right amount of healthy distance from the emotion. when we know what we’re engaging with, it feels less overwhelming. when we gently say “this is anger,” or “fear is arising,” we feel some emotional freedom, because we create some space around the feeling. this space helps us to remain unidentified with the emotion or feeling, whilst accepting it and soothing it.

awareness of emotion in the body

the whole body responds to emotion in the form of sensations, tensions, and contractions. at the same time, cognition can be triggered, in the form of thoughts, narratives, and beliefs. when we’re angry, we may, for example, spend a lot of time on rationalizing our feeling and justifying why we should be angry. we’ve been swept away (identified) by the feeling. it is better for us to work with the visceral part of the experience itself. what are the sensations associated with the emotion? where in the body do they occur? how do they behave or play out? when we do this, the emotion typically subsides. you can find more ways to work with emotion in our self-regulation program, and the section on working with emotion.

soften, soothe, and allow

our softening is the response of physical compassion. self-soothing leads to emotional compassion, and mental compassion expresses as allowing.

when working with shame, we have to recognize the three paradoxes about the painful experience of shame. firstly, although shame feels blameworthy, it is actually an innocent desire to be loved. secondly, although it feels isolating and lonely, it is in fact a universal emotion. and thirdly, although shame feels all-encompassing and permanent, it is actually a transitional state that only describes a specific aspect of ourselves. shame is maintained by our remaining silent about what we feel shame about. we feel we need to withhold the information so as not to be rejected by others. how liberating, then, to realize that the shame we feel is universal, that it is also felt by others, and that bringing it into the light simply means being vulnerable. it is through this vulnerability that we gain the trust of others.

self-compassion is key, because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we’re more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy.

Brené Brown

self-compassion in relationship

hell is other people.

Sartre

most of our suffering arises in relationship to others, and takes one of two forms. the first is the pain of connection, when those we’re connected to are suffering. the second is the pain of disconnection, when we experience loss, hurt, anger, and loneliness. our capacity to be empathic also results in emotions being contagious. even when we won’t speak our anger or frustration with another, they are usually aware of it, or feel confused by the emotions they are picking up. this can easily lead to a downward spiral of emotion, where both people end up equally upset. on the positive side, we can positively influence others as much as we’re affected by them. in such situations, self-compassion presents itself in the form of coregulation. when we have compassion for the pain we’re feeling in the moment, it becomes possible to change our attitude, or work towards positive coregulation. rather than trying to change our partner, friend, colleague, etc., we can respect their opinions and points of view. we can allow others to make their own decisions and follow their own interests. when we lack self-compassion, we tend to be more critical and controlling of others.

the most important use of nonviolent communication may be in developing self-compassion.

Marshall Rosenberg

anger often arises when we experience ruptures or disconnections in relationship. the emotion is not rational, it happens because we are trying to push the experience away. like all emotions, anger has some vital and positive functions. it lets us know when our boundary is crossed, and may be a powerful signal that something needs to change. it may also provide us with the energy and determination to follow through on taking action to stop harmful behavior, or end a toxic relationship.

unhealthy management of our anger is what does the damage, slowly destroying the relationship. forms of unhealthy management of anger include:

• repressing our anger because it is not nice
• turning the anger against ourselves in the form of self-criticism
• angry rumination, leading to attacking or blaming others

anger leaves us with hard feelings like bitterness and resentment. these feelings are resistant to change, and may last long after the anger has been let go of. so, our first step is to recognize the softer feelings behind the anger. anger often tries to protect these softer feelings of hurt, sadness, or feeling unloved, alone, or vulnerable. recognizing the softer feelings behind the defensive anger allows us to turn inward and begin the work of transformation.

as we saw in our discussion on nonviolent communication, to heal anger we will need to be able to identify the needs behind it.

self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

Marshall Rosenberg

when we hear ourselves being judgmental, we can ask: what unmet need is being expressed through our anger? when we can connect to the need, there is a remarkable shift in the bodymind. instead of experiencing “i have messed up again,” we may experience sadness, disappointment, fear, grief, or more. when we feel these emotions, and recognize them to be the avenues through which we can express our needs clearly, we overcome the anger.

mourning in nonviolent communication is the process of fully connecting with the unmet needs and feelings that are generated when we have been less than perfect. it is an experience of regret, but regret that helps us learn from what we have done without blaming or hating ourselves.

Marshall Rosenberg

fierce compassion

according to Neff, compassion has a tender side (yin), and a protective side (yang). the feminine or yin aspect of self-compassion encapsulates being with ourselves in a compassionate way — comforting, soothing, and validating ourselves. the masculine or yang aspect of self-compassion has to do with acting in the world — protecting, providing, and motivating ourselves.

what the two sides have in common is a friendly, warm, and caring attitude. sometimes we need to lean into difficult emotions, comforting ourselves, and sometimes we need a fierce “no,” and turning away from danger in order to protect ourselves.

when anger is used in a healthy way, meaning in the service of alleviating suffering of self or others, we can call it fierce compassion. our compassion does not need to make us weak, passive, or without discernment. when we can clearly see what is happening, and we’re able to understand the complex reactions we’re seeing, we can take action to stop harm without the need to judge others or ourselves. we can feel anger due to the actions of others without directing anger at their being or person. indeed, fierce compassion is the opposite of reactive anger, as it helps us to respond to bad situations without the need to blame or hate others. and if we do become judgmental, we can inquire into our own unmet needs. how can we describe the situation without demonizing anyone? can we see that the people who created the situation were also human beings doing their best, and at the same time acknowledge the harm and the need to make a change?

in self-compassion we take responsibility for what is really needed to fill up our own well, allowing it to flow over as a gift to others. we become discerning and wise, willing to make decisions for the greater whole. self-compassion allows us to develop accountability, clarity, and skillfulness.

don’t try to trust; simply trust that you cannot trust right now. don’t force gratitude; just be grateful that you aren’t grateful today. love your inability to love fully, accept your non-acceptance, surrender to your absolute failure to surrender right now. whatever arises, however disappointing, say, “you are none other than life itself, and i bow to you. this is freedom."
Jeff Foster

self-compassion practices

• affectionate breathing meditation
• self-compassion break
• how do i cause myself unnecessary suffering?
• self-compassion in daily life
• turning towards the difficult
• loving-kindness for difficult emotions
• breathing into difficult experience
• silver linings

all the practices on this page have been adapted from the work of Kristin Neff. the purpose is to do these practices regularly and mindfully, when we’re not triggered. as we gain experience in each practice, it becomes clearer how to access the state during difficulty, allowing us to bring the practice into our daily life. start by reading the practice and orienting yourself in your experience. when you have a sense of the practice, close your eyes, repeat the practice, and let yourself get more deeply into it.

affectionate breathing meditation

feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance.  

Tara Brach

this practice is a breathing meditation infused with feelings of self-compassion. we are focusing on training the mind to be calmer and more focused. pay attention with alertness, but without stress or the desire to have a particular outcome. learn from your experience.

drop into the simple experience of right now, feeling the support of your seat, cushion, or chair, your feet contacting the earth, your hands on your knees or legs. just drop into your body and experience in this moment. take a few breaths with the intention to simply allow the body to fully relax. pay particular attention to tense facial and jaw muscles.

return the breath to its normal rate.

find yourself again, here, right now. notice the sounds going on around you. just rest here for a moment or two. if your eyes are open, take in what you’re seeing, without the need to name things. simply be aware of seeing.

now lay both hands soothingly over your heart. remind yourself that you are cultivating a kindness towards yourself. we can watch the breath, but we can do so in a kind, curious, and felt way. for the duration of the practice, you can leave your hands over your heart, or you can rest them in your lap and only now and then move them to the heart again. each time you do so, directly experience warmth and kindness for yourself.

try to see where you feel your breathing most strongly. some people feel it as the process of the abdomen or chest rising and falling. for others, it may be the sensation of coolness exchanging with warmth around the nostrils. just notice each in- and outbreath with curiosity and warm openness.

see if you can feel the breath from the inside, all the sensations of breathing in and breathing out. imagine the breath being filled with the qualities of compassion, so that we are breathing in compassion, kindness, affection; and breathing out softness, gentleness, and presence.

maybe no sense of kindness will come up for you at all, and you may feel no kindness to what you are thinking or feeling. just allow that very experience, and focus again on the intention of being kind. when you notice your mind wandering, as will happen sooner or later, simply and without judgment rest your attention in the soft silky texture of your breath. relate to your breath like a mother appreciating her newborn’s breathing.

if your hands are still over your heart, renew the awareness of that soft warmth penetrating through the skin. if they’re not, it might be a good time to once again place your hands over your heart. again, feel the warmth and openness they bring to your heart-felt experience, viscerally reminding you of affectionate touch. notice the whole process more intimately, more completely, letting yourself rest in this affectionate and intimate awareness.

rest in the breath, peacefully.

self-compassion break

this practice helps us to become more aware of applying the three core components of self-compassion when difficulties arise. feel free to rewrite the phrases and find language that feels appropriate to you.

think of a situation that is currently causing stress, and allow yourself to visualize this experience clearly in your mind. what is the setting? what is happening? can you notice the discomfort in your body when you bring the situation to mind? now say to yourself: “this is a moment of suffering (struggle, difficulty, pain).” this is the mindfulness part; we know what we’re experiencing. now, realize how this pain is part of life and being human, saying to yourself “i’m not alone,”; “everyone experiences this.” this reminds us of our common humanity. now think about what you need in this situation, and ask yourself how you can give this to yourself. what is the kindness that you need to express to yourself to hold this difficult moment? some options are:

may i accept myself as i am
may i forgive myself
may i be strong
may i be patient.

if you’re having difficulty deciding what words would call you back to kindness with yourself, think about what a good friend in similar circumstance may need. what would you offer them as a message? see if you can offer yourself the same message.

the next time you have a negative interaction with another, excuse yourself for a moment and take yourself through the process, reminding yourself of these steps in providing self-compassion. then come back into the process and respond to the difficulty.

compassion for ourselves gives rise to the power to transform resentment into forgiveness, hatred into friendliness, and fear into respect for all beings.  

Jack Kornfield

how do i cause myself unnecessary suffering?

reflect on a current situation in your life where you feel that resistance is causing unnecessary pain. this might be a situation where you procrastinate, or where you’re filled with resentment or harboring anger. write the situation down clearly, and ask yourself how you know you are resisting. what are the signals in the body or the mind that allow to you know that this is resistance?

now write down the consequences of this resistance. how might things be easier if you stopped the resistance? what would happen differently?

next, write down how you think the resistance may be serving you. maybe it protects you from feelings of overwhelm, or helps you in some way to function in the world.

consider how mindfulness and self-compassion might be helpful in lessening the resistance. how might validating the problem and speaking it to yourself allow things to be easier? what difference does understanding the situation make? does it bring relief to know that others also experience this difficulty?

somehow, without cultivating unlimited friendliness for ourselves, we do not progress along the path. 

Pema Chödrön

self-compassion in daily life

it is important to realize that we already know how to self-soothe and be compassionate with ourselves. we get by in life by carrying and holding ourselves, but may not be aware of this. any form of self-care in the midst of difficulty is self-compassion. our self-compassionate acts are safe and effective ways of relating to the world.

become more aware in your daily actions of when you’re able to soften the body; when you are aware of tension in your body, and can use the breath and relaxation to soothe the body. we can also become aware of when we’re caught in mental agitation, and find little ways to reduce the agitation. in terms of emotion, we can pay attention to what we’re feeling and where we’re reacting, and find ways to comfort the emotion and reconnect with others.

to give ourselves compassion, we first have to recognize that we are suffering. we can’t heal what we can’t feel.

Kristin Neff

turning towards the difficulty

take a comfortable, relaxed, and alert posture. use the breath as a safe place to come back to when you need to.

invite a current difficulty you are experiencing into your awareness, and notice the emotional charge it has for you. can you name the emotion(s)? stay with the feelings or emotions, rather than focusing on your narrative about the event or situation. sense where the resonance of this difficulty is making itself felt in the body. see if you can locate this precisely, and gently turn your attention towards it. find yourself in the sensation of the difficulty in a curious, open, and friendly way. alternatively, work around the edges of it, exploring it from a safe distance. what is the shape of the sensation? what is its texture? its color? how does it look to you? how does it feel? is it moving or pulsing? is it getting stronger or changing in some way? gently explore the feeling, and bring kind awareness to it. we are not trying to change the feeling, but simply practicing turning towards it and being with it.

when you are ready, breathe kindness and acceptance into the feeling. notice what you feel and bring tender, kind awareness to it, knowing that at any time you can come back to the breath as a safe place. say to yourself “it is okay, whatever is there, let me feel it.” breath kindness into this painful space.

when you are ready, shift the attention back to the body as a whole, sitting here, and to the breath flowing into the whole of the body. you may be aware of the difficulty still resonating within you, or it may have changed. we are just gently breathing with it.

you can think of spiritual practice as a kind of spiritual re-parenting… you’re offering yourself the two qualities that make up good parenting: understanding — seeing yourself for who you truly are — and relating to what you see with unconditional love. 

Tara Brach

loving-kindness for difficult emotions

get into a posture where you can be alert, grounded (your feet or legs touching the floor), and deeply calm. take a few breaths, and as you notice the rhythm of the breath, scan the body for places where it can be more relaxed and more deeply grounded.

keep gently breathing, allowing body and mind to come to deeper peace and presence. feel the presence of the body, and how it is aware of everything. feel embodied, and feel the body from the inside.

move the attention to your breathing and where you feel it more strongly. rest in the sensation of breathing. calm and focus the mind.

bring to mind a situation in your life that is causing you distress and strong feelings. it might be something you blame yourself for, or a situation that is really difficult to deal with. get in touch with the feelings and thoughts associated with the experience. look into the scene in your mind, whilst staying grounded and aware of the body.

put your hand over your heart. choose some phrases to say to yourself (these might be the traditional loving-kindness phrases, or anything that feels more appropriate to you now). the intention in saying these phrases is not to wish or expect things to come from elsewhere. rather, it is calling yourself back to an embodiment of what you’re saying. you are gently soothing yourself by reminding yourself of who you really want to be.

speak with a soft and caring internal voice that comes to you from a place of deep understanding.

• may i feel safe as i work through this situation
• may i be as peaceful as it is possible to be right now
• may i be kind to myself, supportive to myself
• may i accept myself as i am
• may i accept my life as it is
• may i be safe, peaceful, and kind to myself
• may i accept myself and my life as it is.

repeat the phrase that you want to use until the body-mind actually experiences what you’re saying; until the words are no longer just words and images, but rather a presently felt mental state.

feel free to develop the phrases that speak most deeply with you over time. here are some more examples.

• can i be patient, strong, and courageous
• i am gentle and calm
• let me see clearly, and allow myself to feel the feelings in the situation without fear
• i can be open to the experience, and learn from it
• may i be able to hold my own hand, and that of the other.

if at some point you feel overwhelmed with emotion and thought, simply go back to just feeling the breath and anchoring yourself in this body and this experience.

the intent of this practice is to recognize and acknowledge how difficult it can sometimes be to be human, including the pain of loss, abandonment, and misunderstanding. we all struggle in some way, and if it is not in this way, it would have been in a different way. we don’t need to try to get away from the feelings. instead, we can learn to be with them, so that they are less overwhelming.

letting the phrases go, listen deeply into your body and experience. hold your experience gently and supportively. be there for you.

when things fall apart and we can't get the pieces back together, when we lose something dear to us, when the whole thing is just not working and we don't know what to do, this is the time when the natural warmth of tenderness, the warmth of empathy and kindness, are just waiting to be uncovered, just waiting to be embraced. this is our chance to come out of our self-protecting bubble and to realize that we are never alone. this is our chance to finally understand that wherever we go, everyone we meet is essentially just like us. our own suffering, if we turn toward it, can open us to a loving relationship with the world.

Pema Chödrön

breathing into painful experience

many of us have been conditioned to believe that we cannot withstand the pain or the feeling of a shattering experience. we forget that we are not objects that can break; we are evolving and resilient patterns within a vaster web of knowing. our physical heart cannot break from emotional pain, and our spiritual heart is a vast space that can contain all human experience without the need to call it “good” or “bad”.

if you feel overwhelmed by an emotion, sit down, close your eyes, and focus your attention on your breathing. just watch the breathing as it happens. note the accompanying sensation of alternating cool and warm air on the upper lip, the distention and contraction of the belly and chest. notice how you don’t need to “do” the breath, it is as if you are being breathed. follow the breath with your attention as it moves through the mouth or nose, flows deep into the belly, turns around, flows upward, and expands into the air in front of you.

when you feel grounded in the body, open your awareness to the senses. staying aware of the breathing, notice what you’re hearing and sensing. notice how deeply the body is supported by what you’re sitting on, and notice the stillness of the moment.

now allow the pain that you are feeling, and let it enter into your heart, just like your breath enters into your body. you don’t have to do anything with the feeling, just simply breathe through it as you feel it. notice the visceral aspects of the emotion, the sensations and perceptions.

keep aware of the feeling as well as the rhythmic pattern of the breathing. allow the feeling to be felt, and let the breathing create space in the claustrophobic intensity. be curious about the experience, and name/describe it to yourself or another. explore the changing sensations of the emotion(s). stay aware of the breathing as it aerates your experience and creates space for the pain.

inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Pema Chödrön

silver linings

you can do this exercise mentally or in writing. think about something that happened in your past and that was really difficult to get through, yet when you look back, you notice the gifts it brought to your life, and the way it shaped who you are now. in each of our experiences, no matter whether they are positive or negative, there is much to learn from or insight into.

what was the situation, and what did you learn from it? (you can write this down or think it through – writing helps to create a greater sense of embodied experience).

now bring your attention to a current deep struggle, where you are experiencing stress and difficulty. what do you think the possible silver linings might be in this case? what are you learning, and what feels like a “muscle” strengthening? what are the values of your current experience? in what ways are you growing from the situation?

how might self-compassion — the ability to turn toward and tend to the pain with an open heart — help you get through this situation and grow into the best of you?

a great deal of chaos in the world occurs because people don’t appreciate themselves. having never developed sympathy or gentleness towards themselves, they cannot experience harmony or peace within themselves, and therefore what they project to others is also inharmonious and confused.

Chögyam Trungpa