communication patterns in the Enneagram
Enneagram type 1
way of creating true relationship
cordial, consistent, and well-mannered • polite • do what they say • don’t always say exactly what they think • act irritated and dismissive with those they don’t respect.
way of communicating
judge using words like “should”, “ought”, “must”, “right”, and “wrong” • suggest remedial action • discuss ideas more than feelings • display pleasure or displeasure using strong verbal and nonverbal messages • defensive when criticized.
way of listening
listen closely when they respect or perceive the other as knowledgeable • tenacious about own opinions • don’t listen when they do not respect the other person or are preoccupied with their own thoughts.
way of giving feedback
genuinely try to help others overcome flaws or deficiencies • can be overly detailed, picky, or judgmental • give sincere, thoughtful positive feedback.
way of managing conflict
approach conflict logically or become short-tempered and accusatory • consider strong responses • prefer structured, problem-solving approach, dealing with issues more than feelings.
way of influencing others
appear competent and confident • offer well-reasoned opinions • may not solicit or listen to others’ ideas, thus missing opportunities for reciprocal influencing.
Enneagram type 2
way of creating true relationship
listen, offer help, and give advice • establish rapport easily • available in times of need • become exhausted from focusing on others • may sever relationships when giving far more than receiving.
way of communicating
ask questions • talk about self with close friends • smile and give compliments • when upset or tired, are either quiet or angry and complaining • appear interested but can disengage quickly.
way of listening
easy to talk to • compassionate • listen to those needing help, people they want to be liked by, and high-status individuals • become angry when they believe someone plans to harm another who needs protection.
way of giving feedback
insightful • give advice • believe own inferences and interpretations are accurate • read body language adroitly • may be reluctant to give constructive feedback for fear of hurting others or harming relationships.
way of managing conflict
empathic • resolve conflicts between others easily • surprised if others are angry with them • when angry, keep feelings to themselves or express resentment when unappreciated or taken advantage of.
way of influencing others
socially/ politically astute • influence through personality and relationships • understand what enlists others or causes resistance • manipulate behind the scenes.
Enneagram type 3
way of creating true relationship
may use relationships to bolster own image through name-dropping, or be too busy to develop deep relationships • well-developed social skills, but not when overworked or stressed.
way of communicating
speak like a PowerPoint presentation • present thoughts clearly and efficiently • discuss topics about which they feel confident • scan audience for reactions — if negative, change topics or adjust delivery style.
way of listening
listen briefly, seeking information • perceived as good listeners if the speaker is concise but become impatient with lengthier discourse • end conversations abruptly • uncomfortable discussing deep feelings.
way of giving feedback
give clear, efficient, and honest feedback in the context of concrete goals • dislike prolonged, emotional discussions.
way of managing conflict
get angry when obstacles impede goals, time is wasted, they do not receive credit, or are overworked • express displeasure through questioning • resolve conflict via problem solving • brusque during prolonged conflict.
way of influencing others
develop relationships within formal and informal power structure/influence networks • rely on competence, self-confidence, and social skills • may be perceived as overly competitive and ambitious.
Enneagram type 4
way of creating true relationship
develop non-superficial relationships with deep bonds • enjoy emotional resonance with others • challenged in relationships that take time or in which others don’t share deeply • can be overly intense or remote.
way of communicating
use emotional or self-referencing words like “i”, “me”, “mine” • tell personal stories • choose words deliberately • analyze conversations • communicate via imagery and metaphor • talk at length about multifaceted issues.
way of listening
can talk or listen equally • listen deeply when interested but bored with ordinary conversations • redirect personal conversations back to themselves by sharing personal experiences and may be perceived as failing to listen.
way of giving feedback
empathic and truthful • anticipate others’ reactions • may presume to know what another thinks or feels • may pursue issues in more depth than others prefer.
way of managing conflict
unsettled if directly involved in conflict • upset when dismissed, misunderstood, or slighted • remain quiet or say something blunt • retain anger • mediate well • converse easily • adept at identifying causes of complex issues.
way of influencing others
influence through thoughtfulness, introspection, values, relationships, and deep commitment • can be too intense or overly emotional and inflexible • may overemphasize values over practicality.
Enneagram type 5
way of creating true relationship
honor others’ privacy • provide relevant information, perspective, and intellectual stimulation • relate with caution • can initially appear aloof • find small talk frivolous and draining.
way of communicating
share data more than feelings • speak succinctly or expound • can overload others with data • controlled speech/body language • prefer ample physical space between self and others • can be highly spontaneous in private.
way of listening
listen for content more than for feelings • will back away when others show strong emotionality or stand too close • listen closely when data interests them • can recount most information as stated.
way of giving feedback
give precise, concise, and clear feedback • offer more constructive than positive feedback • can feel uncomfortable when others become emotional or discuss personal information.
way of managing conflict
methodically mediate conflict through facts more than feelings • become angry when privacy or trust is violated, then withdraw • sometimes show overt anger, becoming direct, intense, and passionate.
way of influencing others
use influence when issues directly affect them, employing expertise and strategy, and sometimes going behind the scenes • not heavily engaged in their organization’s social influence networks.
Enneagram type 6
way of creating true relationship
insightful and sociable • create trust with certain groups and individuals • when feeling distrustful, question the other’s motives and integrity • can have good, bad, and ambivalent relationships.
way of communicating
talking and listening equally important • analytical, but can be emotional • hesitant and uncertain; confident and bold; or both • use “what if” questions • react quickly to surprises and concerns.
way of listening
listen fully to friends and colleagues • project thoughts, feelings, and behaviors onto others • filter or distort when they distrust others, particularly with authority figures.
way of giving feedback
positive feedback more easily given than negative feedback • review details and examples • anticipate the recipient’s reaction and develop strategies for minimizing negative consequences.
way of managing conflict
mediate by listening and giving ideas • feel anxious when conflict is directed at them, and either face it or avoid it • become angry when pressured or betrayed, or when someone abuses authority or disregards commitments • can be silent or harsh.
way of influencing others
influence by identifying problems, discussing issues, and building support • feel ignored when issues highlighted by them are not fully addressed.
Enneagram type 7
way of creating true relationship
upbeat, engaging, and charming • develop stimulating and versatile intellectual relationships • stop interacting when they lose interest in topics or people • avoid uncomfortable conversations.
way of communicating
spontaneous • fast talking • animated • change topics quickly • attention easily diverted • tell vivid stories • reframe negative experiences into positive ones • can be sharp and sarcastic when displeased.
way of listening
listen by quickly absorbing what is said and then commenting, at times before others have finished speaking.
way of giving feedback
give more positive than negative feedback • give constructive feedback with many examples and multiple possibilities for change.
way of managing conflict
use humor/ positive reframing to defuse conflict • frustrated and angry when options are closed, when they have to do non-stimulating, routine tasks, or when criticized, dismissed or not listened to.
way of influencing others
influence through ideas, optimism, and engagement • may not notice the reactions of others • may present too many ideas in rapid succession • often ignore political dynamics.
Enneagram type 8
way of creating true relationship
honest, candid, and direct • have relationships on their terms • relationships become tenuous if respect and trust are missing.
way of communicating
bold and authoritative • grab others’ attention • raise voice volume • emphasize key words • move close to audience • increase energy level • may say little, then watch others to add points or redirect conversations.
way of listening
excellent listeners when they respect others or need information • detest wasting time • impatient with prolonged answers or dishonesty, or when blindsided.
way of giving feedback
give straightforward, clear, and directive feedback, whether positive or negative • give negative feedback more frequently.
way of managing conflict
deal with conflict directly • will take sides on some issues • can get angry and blaming when they observe lack of responsibility, or when they feel vulnerable • can be silent, aggressive, or both.
way of influencing others
enjoy political strategizing and power dynamics • dislike losing power and influence and may become forceful, withdrawn or both.
Enneagram type 9
way of creating true relationship
open and affable • converse on a variety of topics • develop lasting relationships • reluctant to express true thoughts and feelings for fear of creating tension.
way of communicating
affirm ideas of others or describe own ideas in detailed, sequential manner • want all sides presented • elicit differing perspectives or express several alternative views themselves • can create ambiguity.
way of listening
nonjudgmental and affirming • give impression of agreement through words and actions • express reactions indirectly or at end of conversation.
way of giving feedback
give supportive public and private feedback easily • uncomfortable with negative feedback, so prepare in great detail.
way of managing conflict
easy to talk to • see all perspectives • enjoy mediation, but dislike irresolvable conflict • angry when ignored, told what to do, or confronted directly • difficulty expressing own anger.
way of influencing others
influence based on networking, easy relational style, and ability to understand multiple perspectives • surprised by own high degree of influence but influence lessened when lacking assertiveness.
summarized from the work of Lapid-Bogda