co-regulation

you’ll remember that we are still discussing the four aspects of emotional intelligence. we’ve seen how it begins in emotional self-awareness. through self-awareness we learn what it is we want to- or need to- self-regulate. and through social awareness we expand our awareness into the emotional processes of others. the final aspect is relationship management. since Goleman’s seminal work was published, further research has been conducted, and relationship management has become widely known as co-regulation.

co-regulation is the process between you and someone else, in which you are influencing someone’s emotions with your vocal tones, facial expressions, and the emotional energy you exude.

Marc Brackett

an emotionally intelligent person becomes able to co-regulate when they know how to effectively influence others’ emotions to improve their mood or lead to deeper connection. examples would be soothing another’s feelings, motivating them, or bringing energy into a dull environment.

the process of co-regulation

Marc Brackett, from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, describes a five-step process through which we can learn to co-regulate. the five steps are:

if you never want to see the face of hell,
when you come home from work,
dance with your kitchen towel.
and if you are worried about waking the children,
take off your shoes.

Rabbi Nahman of Bratslav

1. self-regulate

to be able to influence others’ emotions or mental states, we first need to be able to self-regulate. without self-regulation things will probably escalate until both parties are upset. the most important goal of self-regulation here is being able to think or access the prefrontal cortex. the first step when we notice that we’re affected by another is to take as many deep breaths as we need and allow ourselves to relax, to be willing to face the difficulty. it is also helpful to start off with an agreement between the two parties, even if the agreement is simply acknowledging that this is a tough conversation for both.

pause

none of our habitual and often self-sabotaging behavior can change until we

stop.
and pay attention.

what are the thoughts in my head, the sensations in my body? what does the other perceive?

an active look inwards.

the pause can be a breath, walking out of the room, or journaling and reflecting. the pause brings me back to what i really want, and what is really happening, right now, and the choice of how i want to respond to the situation.

we cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.

Bertha Calloway

be aware of contagion

there’s an obvious contagious effect with our emotional and cognitive experiences; we’re constantly affected by others and their emotional states.

Anna Lembke

contagion results from neuroception: an autonomic nervous system action through which the system detects cues of danger or safety, triggering biological processes accordingly. in the face of anger and anxiety, you may feel yourself taking on those feelings, and when connected with the warm gaze of acceptance, you may feel calm and connected.

our nervous system constantly scans for signals of safety or danger, but by regulating our own system, we can also help another move from anxiety into connection. we can become the external sense of safety for a dysregulated person. when we communicate a safe environment for others, it also becomes possible to work through painful material without being overwhelmed. to have someone welcome what you bring to a shared space, and not be frightened by it, is deeply healing.

2. help others to manage their emotions

our first step in co-regulating is self-regulation. when this is in place, we can begin to soothe another’s emotions, so that they can return to their thinking process. sometimes this means just sitting quietly, waiting, and at other times it means offering some soothing words, or empathy. when you feel yourself becoming impatient, it is best to focus again on calming yourself down. when there is calm on both sides, we can begin to explore another’s feelings. by asking questions, we get a more precise view into the problem and its experience. the most important aspect in this phase is keeping a non-judgmental and curious attitude. resist the urge to plan a rebuttal. if the relationship is going to work, you simply need to allow another to fully express their feelings without taking them personally.

it is impossible to stay stuck in misery without telling myself a story about it.

Pema Chödrön

be open and curious

being open means sharing information about yourself with others. this lessens misunderstanding. being curious is feeling interest in what another is sharing. open and curious also means allowing what arises, even when unexpected or uncomfortable.

enhance your natural communication style

be aware of your style of communication and the impact it may have on your audience. are you direct, controlled, chatty, intense, intrusive? how does your style typically affect people? remember that actions and body language speak louder than the quality you want to portray. if you’re telling another that nothing is wrong whilst having a frown on your forehead, the frown will be heard, rather than the words.

respond to feedback

feedback can be a great source of learning, depending on how open we are to it. if we personalize what is being said, we’re missing half of what is important. the person speaking is giving us as much information about them. in describing how they see/feel us, they’re also telling us their preferences. what do you value about the feedback? what are you learning from the situation? how can you speak this?

trust

trust is something we give, not knowing the outcome. it takes time to build, can be lost in seconds, and is strengthened through open communication, consistency, and reliability. what needs to happen for you to build trust in another? what needs to happen for another to build trust?

in her video “The anatomy of trust” Brené Brown uses the acronym BRAVING to describe the nature of trust. in trust we are braving the connection, and that leads to trust.

our path is to heal. to create the circumstance where healing can begin.

A Course in Miracles

3. think with and strategize

once we have a hold on the feelings and emotions, we can help the other to think about a solution or strategize a way out of difficulty. at this point we really want to find a way for the other to do their own thinking and acting, and it is helpful to use questions like:

• what are some of the ideas that you have in dealing with this?
• what do you think would be the best thing to do next?
• how would you advise another in this situation?

try not to give the person unsolicited advice but help them to find a solution themselves. where this is not possible, you can ask whether it is ok to tell them what you would do. or ask them whether they’d like to think together. often the person may simply not be ready to think about solutions, as they’re still caught in the emotion of the circumstance. be willing to return to earlier steps until there is a readiness to think together.

don't avoid the inevitable

when we put off a difficult person or situation, we remain at square one. this may be because we fear the feelings we may encounter, which means we don’t yet have the skill to work with them. the skill cannot be learned anywhere else than in the situation. we cannot ask reality or another to change, but we can change the relationship we have with another. when we realize that it is the relationship that is important, we can become more skillful and able to co-regulate. encountering the other or situation may be uncomfortable, but lays the groundwork for a sustainable relationship.

nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.

Pema Chödrön

acknowledge and manage feelings

imagine coming into work and meeting a colleague who looks very upset. you ask and they respond that they’re upset. your response is “oh well, it will feel better when you work.” you’ve just declared your strategy for dealing with difficult feelings, but have not acknowledged or supported their feelings. it would not be surprising if they ignored you for the rest of the day. when we deal with painful feelings within another, or ourselves, it is uncomfortable. however, it is not dangerous. co-regulation means that we know this and consciously grow our capacity. you may not agree with what the other is feeling, but you can still recognize and respect those feelings.

complement the other's emotion or difficulty

be what is really needed in the situation, or by the other. when we’re open to another’s emotion, or the need of the situation, we act in a way that allows completion, allowing what is there to be fully acknowledged and resolved. we are appropriate in terms of emotional needs and willing to express our own needs. one way to ensure that we act appropriately is to notice another’s mood and be there for them, in a helpful way. find ways to express your care through what would be appreciated. connect with the other’s reality and their situation, consciously.

give the why behind your decisions

especially when we work with another, or live with another, it is important to be clear and informative about our thinking. the transparency fosters trust, and both can step in where the other may need help. instead of just making a change and expecting others to accept it, first be clear about the “why” behind your decisions, and discuss possible alternatives. this clarifies your own thinking as much as that of others. in this way we also acknowledge that we have considered how it would affect people or situations. if you’re in the habit of making decisions quickly, it may be that you are personally competent and independent. you can now extend that competence into working together, which means thinking for two or more, no longer only one. in order to do this, the thinking needs to be transparent.

4. close the conversation

having a clear and upbeat closure can help both parties to bring closure to the situation and the upset. when the conversation ends on a sourer note, these are the emotions that get carried forward, and so we may want to return to the process to aid closure. on the other hand, if clear goals have arisen out of the discussion, these can be used to bring closure. you can help another make clear decisions and point out to them how they came to the decision. you can also let them know that it is ok to talk again.

5. follow-up

emotional problems are seldom solved in one conversation, so it becomes important to check on the person or situation. we can simply return to earlier steps as often as might be needed to bring a full resolution.

align your intent and your impact

we all know the saying “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” i may have the intention to set a good example, and as a result work myself and those around me to the bone. what i may not see, or be willing to see, is that the example i am setting is a source of pain for others. the hardest work of co-regulation may be learning to manage a situation through others. if people are often upset with you, you may be unaware of the impact of your personality, or how you mean well but get the opposite effect. if your impact has already landed, learn from the situation. use a journal to describe your intentions and actions, and then the resulting reactions in others. what did you fail to realize in the situation? what are the cues you missed? what have you learned through this experience?

we are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.

Marshall Rosenburg

in a broken conversation, focus on repair

we have all experienced conversations where, even though there were good intentions and attempts at self-regulation, things went south. very south. both parties end up upset, hurt, and steaming. now is not the time to reason, explain, or worse, blame. in these moments, we have to choose between being right or being in relationship. we can rely deeply on self-awareness and self-regulation. our goal becomes to take care of the pain and the hurt, rather than explaining things or wanting a way out. the best action now is empathy, where i simply acknowledge your feelings and am willing to feel them with you, and allow you to see my feelings and be with them.

have the challenging conversation

if you have not yet worked through the listening and speaking section, now might be a good time. or at least bring yourself up to speed in terms of challenging conversations. in the latter program we looked at several examples of challenging conversations, including the courageous conversation. when we’re co-regulating, we’re willing to have the difficult conversation.

live as if you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time.

Viktor Frankl