deepening self-awareness

"to know yourself..."

to know yourself, you must sacrifice the illusion that you already do.​

Vironika Tugaleva

the only questions that really matter are the ones you ask yourself.​

Ursula Le Guin

we are the most self-aware of all animals, although we may share it with great apes, dolphins, magpies, and whales, to mention a few. it has not always been that way. the first indications of human self-awareness are found in the first cave paintings, where it is clear that man had a picture of himself as different from other animals. self-awareness does not mean being aware of some solid self, rather it is an awareness of our habits, reactions, and ways of being in relationship. with self-awareness, we not only exist, but know-feel our existence. we own ourselves and our existence.

self-awareness — recognizing a feeling as it happens — is the keystone of emotional intelligence... the ability to monitor feelings from moment to moment is crucial to psychological insight and self-understanding. an inability to notice our true feelings leaves us at their mercy. people with greater certainty about their feelings are better pilots of their lives.

Daniel Goleman

develop your metacognition

in previous times it was enough to simply have a skill, but now we need more. due to the complexity of modern problems, both externally or interpersonally, we have to become mindful and aware of our cognitive processes. with mindfulness we’re not only aware, but aware of awareness. we are, therefore, able to look at, or into, experience, and work towards a desired emotional outcome or behavior. if we then keep this mindfulness when we test or apply our new behavior, we learn more about our own and others’ thinking and emotion.

emotional blind spots

emotional blind spots are psychological vulnerabilities that you are not likely to be aware of, but are visible to others. as with cognitive distortions, the result of these blind spots can be mood distortions like anxiety and depression. we’re not seeing or expressing ourselves clearly (in particular emotionally) and we suffer as a result. those around us suffer too.

• intellectualizing
• controlling
• judging
• reacting

we cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.​

Sheryl Sandberg

wisdom tends to grow...

wisdom tends to grow in proportion to one’s awareness of one’s ignorance.​

Anthony de Mello

everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.​​

Carl Jung

intellectualizing emotion

when we ask a young child what they feel, we hear something like “happy,” “sad,” or “angry.” when we ask adults how they feel, we often get responses that do not describe emotion. when we say, “i feel depressed,” it’s not an emotion, but a concept. when we say “i’m upset,” we’re not describing an emotion, but an idea. we do this automatically, without awareness, and as a defense against painful emotion. or it may be difficult for us to own our emotion. unfortunately, this also means that the emotion remains unconscious, so we cannot really address it.

controlling emotion

you cannot control what you’re not aware of. and if you’re scared to recognize your imagined experience, you cannot pay attention to the actual experience. when we control the situation, ourselves, or the other, there is no space for emotion. our defensiveness grows, and finally everyone around us becomes exhausted with trying to get through to our emotions, or have us understand theirs. we are telling our own emotions that they are our enemy, but they don’t respond to suppression. when our defences are down, like when we’re tired or stressed, our emotions will be visible to everyone except ourselves. what we can manage are our actions, focus of attention, boundaries, and habitual reactions.

to complain is always...

to complain is always non-acceptance of what is. it invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. when you complain you make yourself into a victim. when you speak out, you are in your power. so change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. all else is madness. ​

Eckhart Tolle

judging emotion

unlike thoughts, emotions are unreasonable. we cannot control emotion, so it is not helpful to judge it either. we want to get to know the emotion, which means being open to it. do you remember our metaphor of the emotion being a light on your car’s dashboard? feeling angry is not wrong, rather, it is indicative of a need. it is our responsibility to understand this need and provide for it.

reacting to emotion

when we fail to pay attention to our emotion, but attempt to control, defend, or judge it, we are simply running away. when we are aware of emotion, we’re bound to feel painful feelings. yet, in feeling them, we learn about ourselves, and this allows us to adapt. we can then hold these painful feelings without reacting. when we run away from emotions, they remain unconscious, and we cannot develop a proper care-relationship. it is important for us to remember that emotion is a signal, and not a “wrong.” it gives us good and bad information, but the latter is so only because it does not conform to our preferences. the emotion is still there, even if not preferred, and still needs our attention.

nowness

i know that people can be better than they are. we are capable of bearing a great burden, once we discover that the burden is reality and arrive where reality is.

James Baldwin

it is only in the now where we can find happiness. it is also only the now where we can manage, influence, or act. the past is a memory that happens in the now, but the remembered experience is not happening now. focusing on the past takes us away from the current experience, or projects the past experience into the now. the future is made up of imagination, ideation, or idealization, and is also not happening now. by focusing on the future, we again avoid the now-experience, and may create anticipatory fear. we can also remind ourselves that experience is our interpretation, and not necessarily what is happening. bring mindfulness into the now in order to discern your inner talk and feelings about where you find yourself. engage fully, whilst containing reaction. simply be part of the experience, and speak from your heart (respond).

you don't have to accept this moment
it's already been accepted
including your non-acceptance

Jeff Foster

to sit with a feeling does not mean ruminating on it, asking yourself interrogative questions, or listening to your inner critic. first accept that it is an emotion or feeling, and will not listen to reason. just let it be there, without doing anything with it, or judging it as good or bad. it is just emotion, and allowing yourself to feel it and get to know it is pretty normal. remember that, the more you are willing to engage with it (which means allowing it and opening to it, rather than using the intellect to build an elaborate story out of it), the sooner it will pass. sometimes the mental space is one of forgiveness, sometimes simply allowing, and sometimes, understanding. it is always curious and non-judgmental. then the feeling disappears, to be replaced with other emotions or feelings. and if it comes back, its seat is ready: right next to you and leaning into you. you are the heart that has the space to hold and contain it.

balance internal and external awareness

look outside and you will see yourself. look inside and you will find yourself.​

Drew Gerald

emotional intelligence begins with self-awareness. self-awareness has two sides. internally, i’m simultaneously aware of the energy behind my words and actions, and of how the words and actions of others are landing on me. externally, i'm awareness of how others express energy, and of the impact i have on them.

people with low external self-awareness tend to be either deeply introspective, or simply unaware. the good side of high internal awareness is its introspective capacity, but the shadow may be that these individuals do not test their assumptions of self through external feedback. people who are simply unaware of self tend to struggle significantly with relationships and performance.

on the other hand, those with high external awareness can either be deeply aware (if the internal introspection is included), or trapped in pleasing (if it is not). pleasers make decisions by focusing on others, and this can lead to a continued lack of internal awareness of self.

this model can help us to recognize where most of our attention tends to be, and to consciously include more than we typically do.

self-reflective observation (the why)

it takes courage to look into the places where we lack skillfulness. this courage matures into love. if we’re too afraid to look, change is not possible. if we judge what we see, our relationship with it becomes counter-productive. if we fail to take into account the feedback we receive from others, we also limit our potential. the paradox is that we often only begin to pay attention when we feel the pain of consequence or criticism. the more we suffer, the more we try to understand the pain and work with it. this courage matures into self-love, which, like love, is not a feeling, but an action. with love, we act in the external world. with self-love, we act in our internal world.

a simple way to self-reflect is to ask yourself “why,” repeatedly. you can take any difficult situation, where you are involved. choose a particular reaction on your side:​

introspection (access to self-knowledge)

gaining self-awareness is an ongoing and long-term process. it is not as much a doing as an ongoing routine of self-reflection and introspection. self-reflection means examining, analyzing, or contemplating our thoughts and emotions. introspection is the process of directly accessing our psychological processes, judgments, perceptions, and states. we see inside the self. introspection is not so much looking into or analyzing the feeling, as knowing the feeling directly, without interpretation. introspection is therefore a possible result of self-reflection, and often a place of insight (the sudden seeing of a solution to a problem, or greater clarity about the problem). introspection is accessing the place where we feel and know experience.

in introspection we do not ask “why?”

“why do i feel this way?”
most of our motives are deeper than conscious awareness. or i answer with my typical rationalization (pre-existing belief​).

ask "what”questions

“what am i feeling?”
“what am i facing?”
“what would a different outcome look/feel like?”
“what will get me there?”

ask solution-focused, rather than problem-focused, questions:

“what will help me?” rather than “what’s wrong with me?”
it helps us to find possible solutions or answers to our problems and gives us a sense of confidence in being able to solve problems. ​

find your values

being self-aware means that we know who we are, and how we are seen by others. self-absorption, on the other hand, is focusing only on your experience, with little thought as to the experience of others. one way in which we can become aware of the difference between the values we hold and what our actions say is by exploring what our values would look like, or how they would manifest, in the current difficult situation.

start by listing some values that you hold (in terms of the problem). in the example in the image, the person is noting their values of authenticity and integrity, and then describing the beliefs they hold around these values. this person values the validity of feelings, and the fact that integrity is easier when we accept, rather than resist. how would this be brought into their current problem situation (having over-reacted in a work situation)? how can the values they hold speak to this situation? the example indicates the person realizing that by allowing for their unskillfulness, authenticity and integrity can be restored. their vulnerability around the “mistake” is as much an expression of authenticity as their initial reaction. this can allow for the repation of trust.

you can only find out what you actually believe (rather than what you think you believe) by watching how you act. you simply don’t know what you believe, before that. you are too complex to understand yourself.

Jordan Peterson

in time, this practice, when done regularly, will result in contemplating who we want to be in difficult situations. it is one way of interrupting entrenched habitual patterns, and inviting us to explore new behaviours. it is therefore also a spiritual practice, as it moves us beyond ego.

the Johari window

in 1955 two researchers, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingram, developed a framework for categorizing interpersonal relations. the tool became known as the Johari window, and is very helpful in making the unconscious conscious. the Johari window outlines four relational areas. firstly, there are the aspects of self that are visible to self and others. this is the “openly known” area. secondly, there are “blind spots,” that contain information others know about us, but that we may be blind to. we can access this information through personality assessments, or seeking feedback from others. thirdly, there are things we know things about ourselves that we’d prefer other not to know. this is our “hidden” area, and is often linked to shame. finally there are unconscious processes that neither us nor others have access to. this is our area of “unconscious material.” our aim is to increase the size of the openly known area, and reduce the size of the unconscious material.

conscious making

so, how do we use this? simply begin by filling out the “openly known” area. write down some aspects of yourself that are as aware for you as they are for others. use emotional honesty, and name thoughts and feelings clearly. this is the area we want to enlarge, and that includes making our “blind spots” more visible to ourselves. this can be done by researching our personality, or through feedback from others, including all the positives and negatives they experience when they are with me. the next step takes courage. it requires us to hide less, and be more authentic. this means we have to reveal things about ourselves that we are not comfortable sharing. we do this with care towards ourselves, inviting and encouraging ourselves to follow through. we let ourselves be known. self-acceptance allows for this process.

through this process of shared discovery, we can continually make the unconscious conscious, and reduce the area of unconscious material.

personality assessments

the easiest way to get a researched view on your personality is by accessing a personality assessment. the following assessments are well-researched, and easily accessible on the internet:

Myers-Briggs

four mental states: introversion/extraversion; intuition/sensing; thinking/feeling; judging/perceiving.

Hexaco Personality Inventory-Revised

six dimensions of personality: honesty-humility; emotion, extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, openness to experience.

Enneagram

nine personality types in their conscious/unconscious presentations.

today we come across an individual who behaves like an automaton, who does not know or understand himself, and the only person that he knows is the person he is supposed to be, whose meaningless chatter has replaced communicative speech, whose synthetic grin has replaced genuine laughter, and whose sense of dull despair has taken the place of genuine pain. two statements may be said concerning this individual. one is that he suffers from defects of spontaneity and individuality which may seem incurable. at the same time it may be said of him he does not differ essentially from the millions of the rest of us who walk upon this earth.

Erich Fromm​