self-awareness

what is self-awareness?

self-awareness is the ability to accurately perceive and name your own emotions and internal dynamics. it is not self-consciousness, which describes feeling exposed and uncomfortable. nor is it self-centeredness, which is the projection of our own needs, motivations, and personality onto others.

as we grow in self-awareness, we begin to recognize and understand our emotional tendencies across different situations. as this awareness increases, we develop tolerance for “negative,” or “difficult” feelings/emotions. this tolerance forms the basis of self-regulation: the ability to stay calm or responsive in situations that would usually cause us to become reactive. this “calm” is not forced or contrived in any way. it is acceptance (inclusion, integration) which we cannot reach without first knowing ourselves, and then, based on this knowing, managing ourselves.

self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong, good or bad.

Debbie Ford​

the greatest of faults, is to be conscious of none.

Thomas Carlyle​

on a good day

Tasha Eurich (the author of Insight) describes self-awareness as having two components or poles, namely internal self-awareness and external self-awareness. internally self-aware individuals are those who may be well read and understand their own dynamics very well but are quite unaware that others describe them as being self-absorbed, selfish, or insensitive. on the other hand, externally self-aware individuals may not have the same degree of internal self-awareness but have a very good sense of where they stand in the world, how others perceive them, what they really want, and how to go after it. real self-awareness involves an integration of these two poles. we are able to reflect and introspect, and we are able to see how we fit into our context or environment. this integration requires continued attention, as most people tend to be more developed in one of the two poles, with the other one being a blind spot, and we tend to unconsciously rationalize our own position or perspective (in other words, lie to ourselves).

on a good day, 80% of us are lying to ourselves about whether we’re lying to ourselves... making things extra tricky is the fact that self-awareness has two components: internal self-awareness is the ability to introspect and recognize​ your authentic self, whereas external self-awareness is the ability to recognize​ how you fit in with the rest of the world. it’s almost like two different​ camera angles...

Tasha Eurich ​

and when we stop lying to ourselves?

when we stop lying to ourselves and face who we are, without judgment, we do not find a monster. we only find clear understanding. we know what we do well, and we can more easily motivate ourselves. we are also aware of the situations that may trigger us, and how we want to manage them. we’re no longer afraid of making a fool of ourselves or being emotional. and we also understand that it is self-acceptance, rather than self-criticism or trying to live up to some idealized version of ourselves, that enables us.

self-acceptance is a really important tool to not just increase our self-awareness, but also love the person we think we are... you can think of them as two twin pillars. without self-acceptance, self-awareness​ becomes an unpleasant process, which in turn keeps us from​ embracing it. to put it another way, learning to accept yourself makes it easier to be honest about who you are.

Tasha Eurich ​

what does it look like, or not?

when someone is self-aware, you will hear them speak easily about emotion, and see them being reflective about the emotions of others. their vulnerability, authenticity, and congruence (meaning their external expression matches their internal state) are visible. in contrast, someone who is not self-aware easily becomes defensive, will not be open to negative feedback, and usually sees emotion as something that gets in the way of progress or outcomes. the self-aware person knows that progress is not possible without relationship, and that relationship is not possible without learning to be with emotion.

emotional self-awareness

to a large extent, self-awareness is emotional self-awareness. feelings and emotions are more deeply connected to experience than thought. they are, therefore, more vulnerable. it is relatively easy to overpower them with reasoning or willpower, or simply turn away from them and become defensive. it is much harder to feel-know our feelings, and accept them enough to be able to share them. the ability to be with emotion, vulnerably. and to communicate from that space is one of the hallmarks of maturity. it is a strength which has to be built. emotional self-awareness means knowing, owning, and speaking your true feelings.

self-awareness — recognizing a feeling as it happens — is the keystone of emotional intelligence... the ability to monitor feelings from moment to moment is crucial to psychological insight and self-understanding. an inability to notice our true feelings leaves us at their mercy. people with greater certainty about their feelings are better pilots of their lives.​

Daniel Goleman

what are emotions?

feeling (visceral response) developed long before emotion and thought in the evolution of the brain. it is only through the development of the neocortex that emotion and thought became possible. early theories of feelings/emotions postulated that they are hardwired into the brain, and developed out of neurological responses to ecological challenges. for example, our fear of snakes kicks in the moment our senses perceive one. each basic emotion was thought to have a dedicated neurological circuit in the brain. modern research has shown that the basic emotional reaction triggers are innate, universal (the same for all humans), automatic, and very fast (0,3 seconds). the basic emotions, in turn, activate behavior in us which leads to survival, or adaptation.

theory of constructed emotions

the Theory of Constructed Emotions, by Lisa Feldman Barrett, postulates a more complex picture of emotions. due to the fluid nature of the brain, and in particular the neocortex, there are no hardwired emotions. new experiences can weave new emotional responses based on the perception of affect as influenced by emotional concepts, past experience, and emotional goals.

as we will see in the self-regulation program, it is quite possible to become aware of our reactions, and develop the skills to respond instead. the original feeling is still triggered, but instead of going down our original reactive route, we now use the very trigger to activate the adaptive response.

intensity of emotion

unlike thoughts or feelings, emotions come in a wide array of intensity. we can experience an emotion (sad) as low intensity (unhappy), but also as high intensity (despair). personality and trauma will contribute to the level of intensity of the emotion. as we’ll see in the self-regulation program, the high intensity emotions may completely block the capacity to take a reflective view. in the traumatized person, the amygdala (fear center in the brain) gets hijacked, leading to an unwarranted perception of threat, and the inability to think or reflect.

emotions, unlike thoughts, are not rational. there is no “good” or “bad” about them. they are simply emotions. yet, importantly, just like thoughts, they do not define us, and for this reason, we can influence them. both thought and emotion take place in awareness. when we become mindful of- and later, more identified with- awareness, they are simply like clouds in the sky of awareness. we can allow them, but we don’t need to act from them. and this does not mean that they necessarily become milder, it means that they become acceptable, or integrated.

adapted from Bradberry & Greaves: Emotional Intelligence 2.0

introspection

aimlessly thinking about yourself or your psyche won’t get you far. we learn and change through reflection and introspection. whereas reflection focuses on the “what” of a situation, introspection focuses on the “who” of the situation. the “who” i am, when i do “what.” Tasha Eurich regards introspection as the key ingredient in self-awareness, and provides seven centering or inquiry points to guide the introspection. so, take the existing emotion (painful or joyful) and reflect on it from the perspective of each point. what does it say about “personality,” “my values,” etc.? then, to work with the emotion itself, feel into it, get to know it and sense it, rather than thinking about it. use the emotion to guide you into deeper insight as to its place and function in your life. to allow for integration and recognition, we need to go deeper than the level of thought or concepts, into the realm of feeling (real, visceral experience).

Eurich also suggests not to get stuck in asking “why.” “why is this happening?” “why can i not stop…?” “why do i get stuck in the same place?” when you understand and can clearly see the “you,” that you are, the better question is “what.” “what do i need to do differently?” “what skills do i need?”, “what don’t i see/ know?

1. personality
2. values
3. passions
4. aspirations
5. strengths
6. weaknesses
7. fit (environment most conducive to your well-being)

expanding emotional awareness

we can simply begin with situations that trigger us, or where we notice a reaction in ourselves. the most basic difference between a reaction and a response is the emotional charge, or the level to which i feel triggered/emotional. our tone of voice can give us significant clues here. when in a reaction, our tone is usually charged with energy, and everyone around us can feel it. we can, therefore, also rely on others to help us to notice when we have become triggered.

so, what actually triggers me? what is the name of the emotion, and its level of intensity? what are the accompanying thoughts? which of these are assumptions? what are the actions and moods accompanying the situation? what can i use as an agent of change (moving from reaction to response)?

at the end of this program, you will find a document that you can use for journaling or keeping a record. this record becomes our companion, and we can return to it frequently for reminders and to detail new experiences.

1. what about the situation triggers me positively or negatively?
2. what am i actually feeling (pay deep attention to emotion, and name it)?
3. what is the intensity level of what i'm feeling?
4. what thoughts accompany this emotion?
5. what actions are involved in the situation?
6. what outcome do i want?
7. what different thougths, feelings, or actions may help?

practices

apart from introspection and expanding our emotional awareness, what are the practices that can help us develop self-awareness? of course, if you do some personality assessment, it will provide you with a lot of information about your reactions and preferences. it is then also helpful to realize that our preferences are not indications of “right” or “wrong,” but based on our personality, level of trauma, and experience. we don’t see the world as it is, but rather, as we are. in other words, i don’t see the world from its perspective, but from my perspective. what i see tells me more about me than about the world. knowing this, we can learn to lean into discomfort, because we may realize that what is difficult for us is not difficult for everyone. we can use mindfulness to track our experiences and learn to be with difficult emotions. and finally, we can use feedback, and even criticism, to help us realize what we’re not seeing, and bring it into awareness. let’s take a look at each, and the way it works.

• introspection
• expanding emotional awareness
• "good" and "bad" are preference, not reality
• lean into discomfort
• notice physical changes
• observe the effects of emotion
• mindfulness is the foundation
• what are my buttons?
• reflection and journalling

"good" and "bad" are preference, not reality

you may have heard this story in some iteration, as there are many.

a long time ago, when having a trained horse was not only a sign of status, but also a form of transport, a father and his son lived on the edge of a small town. they were poor. then one day, wandering the forest, the boy found a horse. it seemed tame and he was able to bring it home. the villagers around them congratulated the father, telling him how good it was. he responded with “is it good, or bad?” they were puzzled with his response, the “good” was obvious. and they were used to his strange utterings, making nothing of it. a while later, the boy fell from the horse and was paralyzed from waist down. now the villagers commiserated with the father, who still had the same response. “is it good, or is it bad?” due to factors far beyond the quiet life of the village, war was brewing in the country. when all able young men from the village were marched into war, the old man spoke again. this time saying more. “what is good, what is bad? treat both these imposters the same.

we can learn to be with emotion, painful or joyful. we can become curious about those emotions that become reactive, and their triggers. it is often useful to reflect on the emotion.

• what does this feeling/ experience want me to understand, or know?
• even though i would not have chosen this experience, what is its value, despite its loss?

your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. even as the stone of fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so you must know your pain.

Kahlil Gibran

lean into discomfort

our personalities all have similar needs, but different strategies to meet these needs. as a result, each personality overvalues some experiences, and undervalues others. the biggest obstacle to maturing, for all the personalities, is avoidance. when we avoid experience altogether (physical avoidance as well as defensiveness), no adaptation can happen. on the other hand, when we engage deeply, noticing what is happening in our thought/ emotion/ action, we are adapting to the situation. we are maturing. ignoring emotion simply means that i don’t learn how to use that particular emotion more productively. “what might i learn or know deeper, when I allow myself to feel this feeling?” ignoring a situation or feeling does not make it go away. freedom is not freedom of the experience, but freedom from being controlled by it.

emotional self-awareness is the building block of the next fundamental emotional intelligence: being able to shake off a bad mood.​

Daniel Goleman

being self-aware is not the absence of mistakes, but the ability to learn and correct them.​

Daniel Chidiac

notice physical changes

our emotions are accompanied by particular sensations, and we can learn to notice these. muscles tightening, pulse and breath quickening, mouth becoming dry, warm or cold skin... learn to be aware of what the body is communicating, in all your basic emotions. you don’t need to think about it, but rather just notice the sensations associated with the experience. you know that you are growing in your capacity when the first thing you notice in a reactive situation are the physical signs and sense signals. in the moment of overwhelm it can be difficult to get the thinking part of the experience to report to you. you may be stuck in the feeling-emotion. knowing our bodily reactions helps to orient us, and remind us of the actual emotion, and what it needs from us. when we actively grow, we’ll be aware that, in many situations, we don’t act in the same way we used to. we begin to meet every day’s experience on its own terms, rather than relying on habituated automatic reactions or responses.

the greatest danger in times of turbulence is not the turbulence; ​it is to act with yesterday’s logic.​

Peter Drucker

observe the effects of emotion

we are all familiar with the archetypal self-righteous manager who feels they need to scare people straight. we also know the results of this attitude to power. team members are so scared of being next in the firing line that their creativity, initiative, and productivity suffer. our emotions are very powerful tools, as you will see when we look into empathy. if we ignore their power, they inevitably work against us. you can use the following questions to become more aware of the effects of emotions:

• what are my typical reactions?
• when do I feel threatened, and what do I typically do, think, and feel when i feel threatened?
• what are my defenses and blind spots? (ask trusted others to help you with this. blind spots are so termed for a reason, and defenses often operate outside conscious awareness)
• how does my behavior (anger, anxiety, withdrawal, blame, impulsivity) land on others?
• what might they feel and think, but not say?
• if the same behavior was directed at me, what would i think-feel?

as previously outlined, when we reflect or introspect, we approach with an open mind and an open heart. we want to see and learn. criticism, judgment, and turning away are not helpful. if you notice them, remind yourself of your intention, and invite yourself back into openness.

emotional self-awareness is the building block of the next fundamental emotional intelligence: being able to shake off a bad mood.​​

Daniel Goleman

mindfulness is the foundation

the stronger our mindfulness becomes, the more deeply we can work with ourselves. we receive more information, so our reflection is enhanced and we can identify and implement more useful and skillful means. mindfulness is the full undefended experience of “what is now.” it is embodied mind, rooted in heart. it is the foundation of the self-compassion we will need to free ourselves from self-sabotaging patterns. it is curious and open to experience, and it notices defenses. it is deepened in reflection and embodied in introspection. you may have your first experiences of holding painful emotion, or painful truth. you will also have experiences of deep gratitude, healthy pride, and a developing self-regard.

self-awareness is not an attention that gets carried away by emotions, overreacting and amplifying what is perceived. rather, it is a neutral mode that maintains self-reflectiveness even amidst turbulent emotions​​​.

Daniel Goleman

what are my buttons?

you know the saying, “don’t push my buttons!” from a self-awareness perspective, we could respond with “well, then don’t let them hang out so far.” we get triggered because of our personality’s preferences, beliefs, and trauma. different personalities, in the same situation, will react or respond differently, which means that the problem is not on the outside. the problem is not in what the other does, but in how i perceive and interpret their action. my reaction is the only enemy, even when, to me, my reaction makes perfect sense.

it makes more sense to look into what is really taking place. “what or who triggers me?” “how does it actually happen (what are my thoughts and emotions)?” “what need in me is not met?” “how can i make the other aware, without charge?”

reflection and journaling

one of the big challenges in doing interior work is to balance the different intelligences. when we tend to overfeel, it is important to bring in reflection, and when we tend to overthink, it is important to remember that others may react because of feelings and emotions. we may also be overdoing, or underdoing. if you go through the Enneagram program, you will note that each personality has this tendency to overcompensate. being aware of the form this takes in you is very helpful information.

journaling can significantly grow our reflective capacity. as we practice, our journaling becoming clearer and more specific. rather than just writing all our feelings and thoughts (our story or interpretation), we can look at patterns, make sense of overcompensation, see our progress, and be reminded of solutions that worked in the past. and we can deepen our work through introspection. your life is worth the time, and the effort.

self-awareness involves deep personal honesty. it comes from asking and answering the hard questions. ​​​​

Stephen Covey

related content

internal resources

expanding emotional awareness

when we become aware of our emotions and their associated thought-action processes, we begin to recognize patterns in our behavior that would otherwise remain unconscious...

external resources

How To Increase Your Self-Awareness Without Meditation — Marta Brzosko
(BetterHumans article outlining the six practical exercises to use in human interactions and while in nature)

5 Habits of Highly Self-Aware People — Nick Wignall
(Medium article about the connected nature of self-awareness and happiness)