mindful communication

"since in order to speak, one must first listen..."

since in order to speak, one must first listen, learn to speak by listening​.

Rumi

as we learnt in the listening and speaking programs reflective-empathic listening means that we stop talking when another speaks. we give deep attention, resisting the urge to simply think about what we want to say when the other stops while they are talking. it is not possible to do two things at once with deep attention.

we can grow our capacity to be aware of the emotional states of others, and to only provide feedback when asked. we can ask questions to understand more deeply, rather than to judge or chase after what we want to hear. what the other says may at times be painful to hear, especially when they are very close to us. it helps when we consciously slow down the process, allowing silence to be part of it.

it is only through practicing holding our reaction, and hearing it from their perspective, that we can grow. when the other experiences something we did not intend, we do not need to be defensive. we can accept that there might be a misunderstanding, ask more questions, and gain clarity. even if the person is directly criticizing you or accusing you, it is still their view, their experience, and worth knowing. as painful as it may be to hear truth, it is beneficial. it fosters trust. we are mindfully open to experience, and we can adjust. this “adjustment,” continually applied, is what we call maturing, or integration.

reflection

you cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.​​

M. Scott Peck

please take your journal and reflect for a while after each of the following questions. the reflection may well give you a lot of insight, and this insight will help you to be more open to the information.

• how did the people in the family you grew up with view listening? reflect on your memories, and try to see each person’s way of listening and speaking.
• how well do you listen to yourself? are the voices inside interrogating and judgmental, or accepting and supporting? how do you want to listen to yourself? what would you have to do to make this happen?
• do you remember situations where you were hurt because others were not listening? what could you have said or done differently?
• do you remember situations where you may have hurt another through not listening? watch your mind. it may want to bounce away from the reflection. take a breath, become aware of where you are and the space around you. allow yourself to remember specifics. you want to see clearly, without judgment or fear.
• what makes you aware that your partner is listening deeply?
• what makes you aware that your partner is speaking from their heart?
• what kind of information, or method of delivery, do you find difficult to hear?
• how can you share the information from your reflection with your partner / family member / colleague?

careful communication

speak only:

• what is good​
• what is beautiful
• what is true
• what is necessary

if you’re familiar with the practices in the Zen tradition, you may know that they are often accused of silentism: being silent simply for the sake of being silent. and yet, if you’ve been included in their activities, you’d know that it is not silentism. the practice is based on four tenets they hold in terms of speech: to speak only what is good, beautiful, true, and necessary. it is not so much a rule for what to say, as it is an indication of the intent that can be brought to communication: to ask yourself why you say what you say, before you say it, or to check your intention, is a powerful practice.

Zen wants us to notice our impact on ourselves and others. it wants us to realize that, in this moment i have the power, through my communication, to bring pain and disorder, or to create harmony and warmth; to be far away in my speech or listening, or to be right here, perceiving this moment fully. you can hear that for the Zen practitioner, being careful in communication is part of practice, which is part of everyday life.

"suffering is meeting every fresh moment..."

suffering is meeting every fresh moment absolutely capable of transforming it, and not taking the opportunity to do so. what could be sadder than that?​​

Khandro Rinpoche​

Buddhism speaks deeply about both listening and speaking. even in the Ten Virtues, four deal with speaking. listening and speaking are two ways in which we can create more harmony or more misunderstanding. even the way i listen and speak to myself has tremendous power.

i need to really listen, sensitively, with my ears as well as my other senses, and with even deeper “knowing,” like intuition, in order to speak appropriately, to ask questions rather than jump to conclusions, to know-feel the other, rather than defend, fix, or turn away, and to talk “with,” rather than “about.”

six Shambhala acts of mindful speech

1. speak slowly
2. speak clearly
3. be concise
4. listen to yourself
5. listen to the other
6. use silence as part of speech.

Shambhala Buddhists, unlike Zen, are much more talkative. they display the beauty of engagement, of working together and using this very moment to bring beauty, harmony, or clarity through listening and speech, and ultimately through presence. Shambhala Buddhists practice six acts of listening/speaking, and any situation can be a perfect training ground. these practices become even more intimate when you bring them into yourself, noticing the processes in your self-talk.

speak slowly

• allow for the groundlessness of being self-conscious​​
• bring body, mind and heart to speech​
• wake up to the full experience​

the way you speak is the first agent of change. it is the very act that influences the way the other will or can respond. when you speak slowly, you can bring the other — and finally the whole space — to a more interiorized position (having the ability to reflect and introspect). when this happens, we hear ourselves, and pay attention to what is being said. when you hear yourself or the other speaking with a flood of words, concepts, and emotional utterances, bring your attention inward. look at your own feelings, and choose what you want to respond to. then speak in a rhythm that is consciously slower than their speech, and make eye-contact. and when you’re very upset, bring it inward by noticing how you speak with yourself (your inner narrative). consciously speak slower, with encouragement and warmth.

speak clearly

• take care of self and other in speech​​​
• allow feeling for what is being said​​
• be aware of impact on other​

know what you want to say. know how it might land on the other. speak from your own experience and make your feelings clear. notice if you over-use the phrase “do you understand?”, or if are using your speech to coerce the other, or to heighten their emotions to the same level as yours. ask yourself what they are hearing and seeing, and speak with more clarity. tell them what you feel right now, why you feel that way, and what you think can be done differently. also practice bringing this clarity into your self-talk.

be concise

• allow for dialogue​
• speak simply, and from heart/ experience​​​
• say only what is necessary​

work towards creating dialogue. frame what you are saying so that the listener has a context, and understands your motivation. then speak in brief sentences, inviting their response. this invites dialogue, where two people are thinking around the same topic, allowing the topic to be more clearly understood.

listen to yourself

• be aware of your personality lens​​
• be aware of the impact of words/​concepts/feelings​

listen to your choice of words. listen to your tone and notice your body language. bring attention to yourself and how you may be perceived and felt by the other.

to cultivate right speech, listen as you talk so that you hear, with your own ears, exactly what you say and how you say it.

Ken McLeod

listen to the other

• what are the feelings behind the words?​​​
• what is being communicated without words (tone, body, gesture)?​​

what are they saying? how are they making sense? what are their feelings and motivations? what does their tone and choice of words reveal? where is their body language different from what is being said? what is their body language revealing? ask when you don’t understand, and watch your own reactiveness to what they’re saying. remember, even if you’re criticized, they are still speaking from only their own experience. try to understand, rather than defend.

to listen fully means to pay close attention to what is being said beneath the words. you listen not only for what someone knows, but also for who he or she is.

use silence as a part of speech

• allow for contemplation and reflection​
• create spaciousness and allowing in speech​

allow what has been said to settle. allow yourself time to think how you want to respond, before you respond. allow for natural silence to arise, so that what is being said can also be contemplated. allow time for shifting into the other’s perspective and their feelings. join them quietly in those feelings, and allow silence to hold the space, for both. we do not need to run (away) into words. silence often brings clarity and deeper understanding.

the everyday practice is simply to develop a complete acceptance and openness to all situations and emotions and to all people – experiencing everything totally without reservations and blockages, so that one never withdraws or centralizes onto oneself.

Chögyam Trungpa