challenging conversations

in this program

  • general principles for connective conversation
  • inquiry
  • giving and receiving feedback
  • the courageous conversation
  • candor
  • true apology

from time to time, all of us need the skill of being able to have a challenging conversation. it may come in the form of feedback, talking about a difficult topic, or the need for candor. let’s first look into some general principles of challenging conversations, and then look more specifically into each form.

general principles for connective conversation

if you have not already read the programs on listening and speaking, this might be a good time. or glance through them to remind yourself of the stages through which listening and speaking deepen. connective conversation means that we not only hear the person’s reasoning, but also their feelings and emotions. we are authentic, vulnerable, and engaged.

things to avoid

being "right"

your partner does not need to be told how to live their life. focus on meeting them in the emotion of what they’re saying, rather than disproving what they’re saying.

being defensive

avoid saying “but...” or justifying your behavior. your partner is telling you about how they feel, and giving them your story will likely not make them feel better.

counter criticizing

your partner may be trying to give constructive feedback, rather than criticizing you. to now reply by telling them what they do wrong indicates that you have not heard their emotional message. this does not mean that there is no space for your feedback, rather it means that actually processing feedback is much more useful than simply hurling it back and forth in a counter-attacking fashion.

generalizing

when your sentence includes “always,” or “never,” you’re generalizing. your mood has shifted around your partner and you’re seeing them in a negative light. this makes them feel defeated and hopeless in terms of getting through to you.

pathologizing

avoid contempt or seeing your partner as inherently flawed. avoid judgment and negative labels. being told that one is flawed can only lead to fear or anger, and if you communicate in this way your partner will feel abused.

tuning out

connective communication is deeply engaged; aware of body, reasoning, and feelings. listening and speaking happen intentionally. when you tune out your partner may painfully feel the withdrawal. in the long run, it can create deep distrust.

signs of non-listening

when you notice these in your communication with another, lean in more deeply, become more authentic and vulnerable. allow for deeper connection in your conversation.

allow, or generate

re-humanize your adversary

when stressed, we tend to view others not as companions, but as blockers; barriers to getting our way. if we notice that we are holding someone as an adversary, we can imagine them with their families, or doing the things that matter to them. this is helpful in conflict and as a way of generating compassion.

focus on the behavior, not the person

when we give negative feedback, it is very important to focus on behavior, rather than being judgmental about the person. what is the specific behavior that upsets you? how can the person do it in a way that does not cause pain?

be prepared for defensiveness

for most of us it is difficult and painful to receive negative feedback, and our typical reaction is to be defensive. think about the person’s possible defenses and decide how you want to respond to them. for example: “i know that you could see me as being critical, but i’m trying to point out one small thing i’d like you to work with. generally, i experience you as very helpful.”

give information, rather than advice

for the person struggling with a problem, advice can feel patronizing or critical, especially when not asked for. people mostly share their problems with us because they need emotional support, not a “fix”. if, in a different context, we clash with someone who may not be doing their work efficiently, we can give information, for example: “i really think we should give this a full hour’s attention.” i’m informing the person about what i feel will be the best approach, rather than telling them that they’re late or sloppy.

be constructive rather than critical

the more judgmental or moralistic we are, the more likely others will become defensive and stop listening. constructive feedback explains and frames things as helpful or unhelpful, not right or wrong. think about what happens when you say: “why can’t you just listen?!” the person hearing this is likely to feel wronged and attacked, and will probably become defensive. they may have been utterly unaware of your frustration, and may be shocked at your reaction. it is more helpful to say, “i notice that you’re not listening,” calmly.

the more and more you listen, the more and more you hear; the more and more you hear, the deeper and deeper your understanding becomes.

Dilgo Khyentse

inquiry

a question is often the most concise form of speech to help guide a connective conversation. when you notice that there are very few questions in the conversation, pay attention and deepen the conversation. open-ended questions are ways of conveying the importance of what you’ve said, or discerning others’ needs and reasoning.

effective questions

ineffective questions

questions that are judgmental are not helpful. questions that focus on your language instead of your partner’s language also tend to close down conversation. sometimes we disguise statements as questions, for example: “you don’t really want that, do you?”

the incisive question

Nancy Kline (Time to Think) gives us a very beautiful and powerful question, that she calls the incisive question.

an incisive question, crafted with precision and luster, is any question that removes limiting assumptions from your thinking so that you can think again. an incisive question does this by replacing the limiting assumption with a freeing one.

Nancy Kline

you want to talk to your partner, but feel afraid. you hold an unconscious fear, or assumption. we can get to this by asking what you assume will happen if you talk to your partner.

“they will laugh at me or think i’m stupid.”

of course, we can chuckle and tell others it does not matter if their partner thinks they’re stupid, and that they should just go and talk to them. Kline points out that what we need instead is the incisive question. we find this by listening with precision:

“if you knew that you are intelligent, how would you talk with your partner?”

Nancy goes on to point out some general incisive questions:

hearing is passive. listening is active. the best listeners focus their attention and recruit other senses to the effort.

Kate Murphy

mindful practice of giving-receiving feedback

by Karen Kessel Wegela, Ph.D
the following guidelines are intended to help you give and receive feedback in a way that makes both become mindful practices. the purpose of these practices is to enable us to become more aware of ourselves, others, and how we relate. their purpose is not to get ourselves or another person to change in accordance with our desires and preconceptions. in general, if a person is able to make use of feedback, they are able to learn. if a person consistently discounts or rejects feedback, they are not able to benefit fully from learning in a community context.

guidelines for the giver of feedback

have the intention to be of benefit

wrong intentions

rather focus on

say your piece and let it go. do not be attached to what the person does with your feedback. let it be an offering.

guidelines for the receiver of feedback

recognize your feelings as your own. it is not the fault of the other person that we are feeling as we are.

listen with curiosity. speak with honesty. act with integrity. the greatest problem in communication is we don’t listen to understand. we listen to reply. when we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. we listen for what’s behind the words.

Roy T. Bennett

guidelines for the courageous conversation

speak up sooner

many of us avoid difficulty, aggression, or anxiety-inducing situations. this leads to an array of communication problems, including misunderstanding and resentment. it is difficult to begin, and it takes a while to become adept. whenever you lean in, you can learn something about yourself and others. rather than hesitating, doubting or avoiding, aim to express your feelings sooner rather than later.

speak from your experience, and not blame

listen to your feelings as much as you’re listening to your partner’s. speak from a place of empathy, of understanding or wanting to understand. we want to share how we feel with others, not our reaction or their reaction. our focus is on making clear the processes and feelings in the space.

speak carefully

we can say how we feel without reaction, blaming or shaming. focus on listening to what you are saying, the tone that you’re using, and the gestures that may also convey emotion. what i feel is not an accusation to myself or my partner. it does not imply that something is wrong, even though it may feel wrong. we want others to know our experience, and we want to learn to express ourselves clearly in terms of emotions.

keep the relationship or context in mind

keep in mind what is important to you in terms of the relationship with this person, and see the difficulty within that context. difficult conversations may never become easy, but we can become skillful at having them. every relationship that develops depth will need these conversations. they’re not an indication of something being wrong. rather, they indicate that there is something that has not yet been clarified, or a skill that has not yet been built. when we see a relationship as the place where we grow, deep or difficult conversations become the best place to know ourselves and others more deeply.

it takes preparation

if we want to be careful in our speech, we have to prepare. this may be as simple as organising your thoughts and contribution. think about some questions you’d like to ask, and anticipate some questions from others. if you have a lot of information to share, consider the possibility of an outline, or some context in order to frame what you’d like to convey.

know your audience and environment

give some reflection to your audience. who are they? what do they want? how can you best frame what you want to say, so that they can understand. how can what you suggest help them or be meaningful to them? what is the environment like? what would enhance focus, reflection and insight?

speaker

check time, space, place, and intensions — prepare
1. the behavior or data I observe or notice. you want to give clear examples, so that the situation can be clearly understood. this can be data, behavior, information, examples, or facts. “when you criticize me in front of the team…
2. the impact it has on me, family, team, or project. describe the feelings that occur for you and use emotional words like angry, sad, scared, fearful, etc. be willing to be vulnerable and say how it really affects you. it is not necessary to explain your feelings (the other is not the cause of your feelings but is creating the situation that is their catalyst). … i feel belittled and embarrassed.
3. my interpretation/belief is… share your thinking or opinion but realize that it is your belief and not necessarily true for the other, or their experience. my interpretation is that the outcome of the project is more important to you than the people who must get it there.
4. my role in the problem. see the role you play in the situation, or how you may maintain the problem. i can see how my staying quiet in the past did not give you the signal that it is painful for me.
5. ask the other for their understanding or reasons. listen openly to understand their reasoning and feelings. what were you experiencing when you were so critical with me this morning?”

listener

1. listen with openness and curiosity. the other is also telling you something about themselves. resist the temptation to defend, deny, explain, or justify. ask questions for clarification. respond to the other’s feelings.
2. acknowledge the part of the problem that is yours. say where you can see a need for change. share what you did not realize before the conversation.
3. reflect on what you are learning from this experience. engage with the solution and its process. discuss and agree on future behavior, also stating what you may need from the speaker.

real dialogue is where two or more people become willing to suspend their certainty in each other’s presence.

David Bohm

radical candor

attempts at diplomacy may simply stem from a fear to identify or speak what is painful. candor, or frankness, is defined as the quality of being open and honest. Kim Scott from Candor, Inc., has an interesting view that she calls radical candor. it describes the movements between high or low willingness to care (give a damn), and to call bullshit; being forthright and direct.

You can find out more about radical candor on their website at radicalcandor.com.

real apology

many of us simply cannot honestly say “i’m sorry.” our ego is too inflated, our pride too thick. Instead, we offer the “i’m sorry” that is just a meaningless token. it is only when we can feel how our behavior causes hurt in others, really feel into their experience, that the apology can become real.

the real apology has two poles. the first is acknowledging your responsibility:
“i did not mean to, but can see how my topic upset you.”

the second is explaining how or what you’re going to do differently:
“we can talk about things that are less disturbing for you.”

the real apology can feel into the other’s pain and accept responsibility for being part of the pain. the real apology also discusses and finds a plan to make things better, because it does not want the other to feel more pain.

practice

related content

external resources

Smart People Know The Value Of A Real Apology — Nic Haralambous
(In this Medium article, Nic Haralambous outlines what he thinks makes a good apology.)