reparenting

in every adult lurks a child, an eternal child; something that is always becoming, is never completed and calls for unceasing care, attention and education. that is the part of the human personality which wants to develop and become whole.

Carl Jung

welcome back to our trauma section. so far, we've investigated creating a safe space for our dysregulated nervous system and the role mindfulness plays in this. when this safe space becomes stable, we begin to feel the grief of what has been lost, and what never was. we go through the painful stages of denial, anger, and depression. when we get in touch with our feelings we can begin the process of reparenting. reparenting simply means providing the positive mirroring and affirmation we did not receive or received too little of when we were young, as well as healthy internal boundaries. you will find more information on boundaries in the emotional intelligence section.

our inner child needs us to acknowledge the process of its painful experiences. only through this process can the child come out fully and have a conscious life. when we reparent ourselves, we give the inner child the love, or forms of love, that it did not receive when we were young. we come to know our limiting beliefs, recognize their origin, and let them go as we form new beliefs for the person we want to be now. we become the attentive and mindful guide to the feelings, thinking, and actions of the inner child.

it is not an easy journey, and it happens moment to moment, in amongst all the realities of life; the very realities that retrigger that child. in the long run reparenting results in learned or earned secure attachment. we come home to ourselves and find the freedom to be who we want to be, without being driven by unconscious forces or traumatized monsters.

today, inner child work is a well-known practice in many schools of therapy such as Transactional Analysis and Gestalt therapy. this child self is part of the unconscious, representing childhood qualities and ways of being. it becomes activated when we're faced with challenges that bear some resemblance to traumatic or hurtful childhood experiences. until the feelings from these memories are felt and integrated, this unconscious child self will call the shots whenever they are triggered, in the form of our reactions and self-sabotage. we have the capacity to reclaim all the positive qualities of this child, as well as its repressed memories. we need to create or restore the physical safety the child needed (and still needs now, when reactions occur), as much as the psychological needs of belonging and acceptance.

connecting with the inner child

we start by simply increasing the awareness of who we were as a child. what did you do? what did you spend your time on? what did you enjoy? what were you like? remember your games, hobbies, and friends. remember your safe spaces. what do those tell you about the child you were?

if you have old photographs, study them, paying attention to detail. what does what the child is wearing, how they're positioned, and how they present themselves tell you? in your current life, where do you experience moments of spontaneous joy, fascination, and creativity? connect with your innocent, spontaneous, and creative self. these are the qualities of children who feel safe and loved.

we can also become aware of this child by checking into our emotions or listening to our inner narrative. with mindfulness and self-awareness, we may, for example, recognize the inner child in the devastated reaction we have to a rejection, or the bewildered feeling we have when another disagrees with our opinion. inner child work is about looking after this vulnerable younger version of ourselves and helping them to problem-solve. other ways in which we can connect with our inner child may be through:

• writing a letter to our younger self, expressing reassurance and guidance
• sharing stories about our childhood with a friend
• watching our favorite childhood movies and listening to music from our childhood.

all of us get traumatized at some point in life. if we have a supportive environment, this trauma can be resolved. relational or complex trauma happens through constant wounding that is not adequately repaired. the parent is unaware of inflicting trauma, or unable to soothe the child. many of us may only become fully aware of trauma when we reach adulthood, especially when the examples listed above were normalized as part of our culture or society.

our past no longer exists as something ‘behind us' that we can ‘go back to.' the past is past. however, these unintegrated emotional charges continue to exist as energetic conditions imprinted within our emotional body. in essence, we aren't ‘going back' but ‘going in.' the answers are all within us now.

Michael Brown

take responsibility for your emotional well-being like you would for the well-being of your own child. pay attention to your triggers and what soothes you when these happen. pay attention to who you are in your speech and action. everything becomes easier when we understand why we are the way we are, and we're able to express our needs and emotions clearly. in order to do this, we need to listen to the inner child and translate their language for others.

communicating with the child

i learned that even though i have a very different personality from my parents, the way i treat my inner child is no different than how my parents treated me. i have unconsciously adopted some beliefs and habits from my parents. it's as though they continue to live within me.”

Yong Kang Chan

when we're caught up in our busyness and identifications we easily miss the clues that reveal the inner child. assign a time for this work. do your research on self-discovery practices, meditation, and journalling. read more about self-awareness in our emotional intelligence section. when you have a reaction, picture yourself as a young child. allow the child in front of you to express their pain in whatever way they want to. ask yourself questions like:

• what is the child feeling?
• what are they judging/blaming/shaming themselves for?
• what can be forgiven or let go of?
• what do they need?
• what could you say/do to support that child?

take control of your self-talk. become aware of your inner talk and the attitude this has towards the difficulty. much of the time, this self-talk simply gives us instruction for what needs to be done next, but when it becomes negative, it becomes self-defeating. pay attention to your cognitive distortions. replace judgments with factual or more honest and vulnerable self-talk (e.g. instead of “you idiot,” you could say “i made a mistake”). working through our programs on the inner critic and cognitive distortions will be helpful here.

nurturing the inner child

give the child what it needs most. this is often simply safety to express and deep acceptance. position yourself as the parent or caretaker of this child, strengthening their trust and relaxation. pay deep attention to your inner talk and beliefs. listen to yourself when you're thinking or talking and make deeper sense of this vulnerable child. what does the child need to hear? what will engender their trust? when you know, speak the words, either out loud or inwardly. bring soothing to the hurt child. what you say has the power to heal the trauma.

from a psychological perspective there are four factors that support reparenting:

discipline: regarding or loving yourself enough to set healthy habits and boundaries that improve your mental health.
joy: releasing the reactive mode and allowing yourself to find joy and interest in what you're doing. making friends with your life.
emotional regulation: being self-aware and mindful, allowing yourself insight into and influence in your thoughts and emotions. knowing your triggers and how to work with them.
self-care: meeting your physical and emotional needs, including rest, sleep, nutrition, and movement, and learning to have more self-compassion.

the adult part of the personality learns… to relate to the inner child exactly as a good parent relates to a flesh-and-blood child, providing discipline, limits, boundaries, and structure. these are — all along with support, nurturance, and acceptance — indispensable elements of loving and living with any child, whether metaphorical or actual.

Stephen Diamond

how do you do this? by becoming the parent to your inner child that that child needed but did not have, or did not have enough of. what would you do with or for a child you love? how would you manage their difficulties? how would you teach them to adapt to the world?

• tell yourself what you need to hear, without reaction
• validate your feelings and emotions and get to know their triggers
• learn to be kind to yourself in your self-talk
• listen to yourself
• prioritize your mental health above pleasing others
• legitimize your perceptions and emotions and stay mindful of them
• celebrate and acknowledge your achievements, no matter how small.

interoception and emotion regulation

when we believe a wounding story, our whole world is diminished.

Sharon Salzberg

while numbing and dissociation make life tolerable, the price we pay is losing awareness of what is happening in the body. we lose our vital connection to ourselves. this results in an inability to feel emotions or be with them, and this means we cannot process them. cultivating sensory awareness of the body, or interoception, is vital for healing. simply noticing what we're feeling enables self-regulation. remember that, when the long held-down feelings appear, they can be forceful. you may feel intense emotion in the form of rage, fear, or anxiety.

interoception is the awareness of the physiological condition of the body, including conscious awareness, sensations, emotions, and behavior related to physiological information arising from the body. it helps us to know what is happening interiorly. examples include thirst, hunger, and the visceral aspect of emotions. with each emotion we may have different sensations, for example muscle tension or flushing. we may also experience certain emotions in certain parts of the body, like in the gut, chest, or throat. without interoception we cannot self-regulate or modulate emotions. if our interoception is not yet well developed, it will help to distinguish early signs of dysregulation so that we can restore ourselves to our window of tolerance (see the safe space program).

instead of berating ourselves we can sit down and reflect on what is really happening. ask yourself the following questions and listen nonjudgmentally to the answers:

• what are you feeling right now?
• what's making you want to…?
• what would happen if you acted differently?
• are there healthier ways of getting what you need right now?

there will be many feelings to be brought home, and we can help ourselves by developing the attitude Rumi speaks of in his poem, the guest house:

the guest house

this being human is a guest house.
every morning a new arrival.
a joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
welcome and entertain them all.
treat each guest honorably.
the dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Rumi

a very powerful way to initiate self-regulation and get oneself out of a hypo-aroused or hyper-aroused state is affect labeling. when we recognize and name what we are feeling we are taking the first step towards creating some healthy distance so that we can observe the emotion, rather than act out. when we create this distance by knowing what is happening with us and giving it a name, we can, paradoxically, stay intimate to the experience, because we can disidentify from and allow the feeling, rather than go into a reaction to get rid of the feeling. for example, fear that occurs in an environment where there is no physical or emotional danger is often simply the sign to move onward, to confront or enter the fear, so that we can have the experience and learn from it.

a trauma-response is a physiological adaptation of the nervous system. like all defenses, trauma-responses protect us when we're young, and limit us in adulthood. if we don't process the trauma and expand our repertoire of responses, our behavior, when triggered, will not make sense to others, and will likely be inappropriate to the needs of the situation. regulating the nervous system requires:

• being in touch with your feelings and grounded in this moment, this body.
• noticing the dissociation at the root of the trauma-response.
• understanding your emotions and what they are telling you about your needs.
• knowing what your needs are, and expressing them clearly.
• understanding and practicing self-compassion.
• identifying when the nervous system becomes dysregulated and knowing how to self-soothe.

doing trauma-work

trauma-work is life work. we revisit old pain, shame, and despair again and again, each time leaning a bit further into our courage and vulnerability, and allowing ourselves to feel more and to gain deeper insight from these experiences. we begin to heal when we can hear ourselves speak our deepest emotions, re-tell our most fearful experiences, and come out of the shame of our brokenness. traumatized people often say things like “i'm dead inside,” “i'll never feel again,” “i'm broken”, or “i feel like an object.” the most important issue remains allowing yourself to know what you know. recovery requires telling the whole truth, even if that truth is brutally painful to hear.

we can read endlessly on trauma, and we can even sit for years of therapy, still not doing the work. what, then, does it mean to do the work?

• making an effort to really understand yourself and how you show up in the world.
• looking inwards at your emotional traumas and wounds, sitting with your experience, and making sense in a way that allows you to move forward.
• being self-aware of which behaviors are self-sabotaging, and problem-solving so that different solutions can emerge.
• applying those solutions in your direct experience to create new experiences and neural pathways.
• cultivating self-awareness and self-regulation, and learning to respond to others consciously rather than reactively or defensively.
• learning to express your emotions, needs, and boundaries clearly.
• knowing that it takes courage, patience, and lots of self-compassion.

transtheoretical change model

the factors that influence behavior change have been thoroughly researched. the transtheoretical change model is one very helpful model that has emerged from this research. it presents a series of stages through which the practitioner moves as they seek to change maladaptive behaviors:

precontemplation

at this stage the person is unmotivated and in denial of the problem. there is a lack of insight into the consequences of their behavior, and they are defensive of their actions. they present as resistant, unmotivated, and unwilling to change. if subjected to constant pressure they may show elements of change, but as soon as this pressure relents they will revert to the original problematic behaviour. they are basically saying: “i do not see any problem with my behavior, and there is no reason to change. the problem is… (blame).”

contemplation

during this part of the process, the person has an awareness and acknowledgment of the problematic behavior, and seriously considers working towards changing it. however, the behavior is still minimized, and the person expresses uncertainty about whether the behavior is worthy of correcting. as a result, there is no commitment to taking the necessary steps. ambivalence and indecisiveness allow the problematic behavior to persist. now the message is: “i know i have a problem, and i think i should do something about it.”

preparation stage

at this point, the person becomes committed to acknowledgment and change. for the first time, the pros of change outweigh the cons. the person is now gathering information from different sources and seriously beginning to reflect on the problem. they begin to try things, and can give coherent reports of these initial efforts. the more information they gather the better, as each piece of information elaborates possibilities for problem-solving. when this stage is not fully executed the person is prone to stumbling when difficulties arise, often resulting in relapse.

action stage

during the action stage real change begins to happen. relapses may still occur, but the person is learning from their experience and continually re-applying themselves to self-regulation. total abstinence of the adverse behavior for a period up to six months can be expected. the person continually reviews their progress, and is willing to receive assistance or ask for help. they begin to overcome their hurdles. the change is now clear to the person and those around them, and this bolsters their confidence to continue on the journey of change.

the essence of trauma is a disconnect from the self. therefore, the essence of healing is not just uncovering one's past but reconnecting with oneself in the present.

Gabor Maté

we must be willing to grow, and not only as a future idealization, but in this very moment. we must be willing to notice the stages in our change process, and cultivate the courage that is needed to lean in and have a different experience. experience is the most potent agent of change. as the transtheoretical model implies, we can contemplate and discuss change all we like, and to do so is important, but when we begin to feel the difference between the old behavior and its consequences and the new behavior, our positive momentum really solidifies and our beliefs shift. we must be willing to observe our internal processes, such as sensation, emotion, and thought. we must pay attention to our impact on others, even when we feel we are too small to have any impact. we must often break down to break through. we need to see our difficulty and be with it, so that we can change the relationship we have towards ourselves in experiencing the difficulty. we must educate ourselves and practice what we are learning in such a way that we are able to talk about it, thus allowing our knowledge to become experience and allowing the contracted hurt self to relax and grow. we must be willing to forgive ourselves for all the times we fail, and gently pull ourselves out of despair and back into the light of just this moment, this experience, and what we can learn.

personal transformation can and does have global effects. as we go, so goes the world, for the world is us… the revolution that will save the world is a personal one.

Marianne Williamson

working with shame

shame causes an intense fear response, and a feeling we are at fault. in response, we become defensive and avoidant, and we prevent ourselves from stepping back and seeing what is really going on and what we can do differently.

do you ever apologize for crying, being hungry, or needing a bathroom? do you feel bad for asking for attention or affection? do you consider it unreasonable to want someone to listen to you? such experiences are tied to toxic shame. trauma that is shame-based is often longstanding, and with roots in childhood as chronic physical, emotional, or sexual abuse and/or neglect. those who suffer these experiences learn to structure their lives around others, putting them first, when, in fact, they need boundaries. they are vulnerable to accepting abusive behavior rather than standing up for themselves. they — as we all do — seek out what is familiar, often finding safety, or at least familiarity, in what is unsafe. they feel shame as not being good enough, and this shame leaves them with harmful beliefs about themselves, including: “i'm not good or lovable enough,” “i'm not interesting or attractive,” and “i don't deserve what others have.” if we're alert to this interior talk and attentive to our emotions, we can work towards changing this messaging. this kind of shame starts out as a coping mechanism for the child. shame was felt when something went wrong, and the child was told, or accepted, that it was due to something they did wrong. as we said previously, this is the only option for the child, since accepting that the problem lies with the parent is not possible for the young psyche. the shame is then reinforced with every beating, every harsh look, every passive-aggressive parental silence, indeed every action that gives the child the message “you are wrong”.

shame isn't associated with cognition at all. at the precise moment shame is triggered, we are emotionally hijacked, and there's no prefrontal activity.

Gerald Fishkin

whereas guilt is a cognitive process where we realize or believe that we've fallen short, shame is much more toxic. it is a type of stress that creates immediate and even long-term biological changes. there is a fear response, and the body becomes sunken into itself, a physical expression of the desire to disappear. it also leads to activation of the sympathetic nervous system, resulting in blushing cheeks, increased body temperature, sweating, and queasiness, among others. most people experience moments of shame, but for the person who experiences toxic shame it is an ongoing fear of not being good enough, not mattering, or being a failure. this can have long-term physical and mental effects like despair, anxiety, and depression. as these effects are largely isolating, the risk of substance abuse is increased, since it brings temporary relief.

the less we talk about our shame, the more we have of it. shame cannot survive when it has been spoken and accepted. it is our judgment, silence, and secrecy that maintains the shame. if we can lean into vulnerability (the speaking of the shame), and discomfort, we can learn to show up for ourselves. if we speak our real experience, we can learn to trust ourselves.

the most effective healing for shame is compassion-based behavior. we must encourage ourselves to see ourselves through a more compassionate lens, having an attitude of curiosity and understanding rather than judgment and criticism. Kristin Neff, who's work we will address in the meditation section, defines self-compassion as being kind and understanding towards oneself during experiences of pain and failure, and perceiving one's experiences as part of the larger human experience.

our worthiness is never in question. we never lose our capacity for compassion, wisdom, forgiveness, and love, even though we may at times lose our connection to these qualities. everyone gets hurt, and we can learn to be vulnerable and contain the fear of pain. we can also learn to be discerning in expressing our vulnerability, speaking out when appropriate, even if doing so causes discomfort for self and others. it is self-deceiving to believe that we can escape vulnerability and go the journey alone.

connecting with others

talking about painful events doesn't necessarily establish community — often quite the contrary. families and organizations may reject members who air the dirty laundry; friends and family can lose patience with people who get stuck in their grief or hurt. this is one reason why trauma victims often withdraw and why their stories become rote narratives, edited into a form least likely to provoke rejection.

Bessel van der Kolk

for most complex trauma sufferers there is a deep hesitation to speak. it is painful to remember, and we've been burnt many times with statements like “you're playing the victim,” “just get over yourself,” and “that was the past, and this is the present.” sadly the past is often very vividly present for the sufferer. it is present in the form of dysregulation, intense memories, sensations, a fear of exposure, and inappropriate reactions. what we cannot talk about openly is also finally hidden from ourselves.

what cannot be spoken to the [m]other cannot be told to the self.

John Bowlby

being able to feel safe with others is probably the most important marker of healing. complex trauma means relational trauma, and for the traumatized person relationship can be painfully difficult. old memories will get triggered, and the reactions will be intense. many traumatized people fear themselves in this way. they fear what might be triggered and they fear their own reactions and the hurt it causes others. at the same time, they feel unable to act any other way. when a trigger occurs, the whole body-mind automatically goes into reaction.

it does not matter whether you have one or many friends. it matters whether you can talk deeply with them, including about pain. it matters that you choose people who you can trust with your emotions. it matters that you hear where they want to help, and where they point out dysfunctional patterns. it matters that you drop your defensiveness and be willing to be vulnerable. it matters that you accept yourself with the same grace that they do.

for a long time we may try to find the solution in a partner, the person who understands us so well that we cannot be triggered. this, of course, is a myth. the reality is that others can comfort your inner child for only so long as they live up to your expectations. when they inevitably act outside this comfort zone, old wounds are likely to be triggered. finally, we realize that it is only through giving ourselves as much loving attention as we can that we can heal.

when we share what we are working on, with our spouses, children, peers and colleagues, we create a powerful container for accountability. when we involve others in our growth they act as powerful reminders to embody something different. be specific in telling them what you are working with, how it typically plays out between the two of you, what your reaction is, and what you'd like them to say to you or ask of you in order to find a new way. this will build courage in you, and trust in them.

and you, go into yourself, become a ruby mine, open to the gifts of the sun.

Rumi