self-remembering (Gurdjieff)

you can replace the word “self” with “being” to make the experience more clear.

if you can, remember a moment where you experienced intense gratitude, joy, peace, or insight. a moment that felt like a gift, rather than something that you made an effort towards.

in that moment you were fully real. you were there, not as the thinking, but as the experience. you remembered (felt) your self (being), but without being conscious of doing so.

in the late nineteenth and early twentieth century lived a remarkable spiritual teacher by the name of Gurdjieff. he developed a practice called “self-remembering.” here is what he wrote about the practice.

we are living, but we are not aware that we are, or that we are living. there is no self-remembering. you are eating or you are taking a bath, or you are taking a walk: you are not aware that you are while walking. everything is, only you are not. the trees, the houses, the traffic, everything is. you are aware of everything around you, but you are not aware of your own being – that you are. you may be aware of the whole world, but if you are not aware of yourself [being] that awareness is false. why? because your mind can reflect everything, but your mind cannot reflect you. if you are aware of yourself [being], then you have transcended the mind.

remember yourself [being], whatsoever you are doing. it is very difficult. it looks very easy, but you will go on forgetting. even for three or four seconds you cannot remember yourself. you will have a feeling that you are remembering, and suddenly you will have moved to some other thought. even with this thought that “okay, i am remembering myself,” you will have missed, because this thought is not self-remembering.

in self-remembering there will be no thought; you will be completely empty. and self-remembering is not a mental process. it is not that you say, “yes, i am.” saying “yes, i am,” you have missed. this is a mind thing, this is a mental process: “i am.” feel “i am,” not the words “i am.” don’t verbalize, just feel that you are. don’t think, feel! [your eyes are closed, so see and listen with your skin and sensing.] try it. it is difficult, but if you go on insisting it happens. while walking, remember you are, and have the feeling of your being, not of any thought, not of any idea. just feel. i touch your hand or i put my hand on your head: don’t verbalize. just feel the touch, and in that feeling feel not only the touch, but feel also the touched one. [so, notice the one that makes sense of your experience and the sense that is made.] then your consciousness becomes double-arrowed. [awareness of awareness.] you are walking under trees: the trees are there, the breeze is there, the sun is rising. this is the world all around you; you are aware of it. stand for a moment and suddenly remember that you are, but don’t verbalize. just feel that you are. this nonverbal feeling, even if for only a single moment, will give you a glimpse – a glimpse which no LSD can give you, a glimpse which is of the real. for a single moment you are thrown back to the center of your being. you are behind the mirror; you have transcended the world of reflections; you are existential.”

Gurdjieff