practicing mindfulness in everyday life

the now well-known Harvard University study by Killingsworth and Gilbert (2010) became a landmark in terms of the purpose and effect of mindfulness in our modern society. the study played a significant role in popularising mindfulness in corporate and everyday life.

many philosophical and spiritual traditions teach that happiness is to be found by living in the moment, and practitioners are trained to resist the mind wandering and to ‘be here now’ … these traditions suggest that a wandering mind is an unhappy mind.

Killingworth and Gilbert

the study makes clear that people spend about half their time (46.9%) thinking about something not related to what they’re doing. and this wandering mind is not happy. presence to our current action has a greater impact in terms of happy experience than even the choice or non-choice of the action. the research indicates that the traditions are right in terms of happiness being found only in the “now” and “here”, in the fullness of experience (which includes the senses and that which is directly perceptible). constant thought, which typically dwells in the past or the future, does not lead to joy or happiness. there are two main reasons for this:

  1. it is not a full experience, but a memory or fantasy.
  2. we miss out all the information from the current moment, and its experience.

the spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle speaks this same truth beautifully when he writes:

when you make the present moment the focal point of your life instead of past and future, your ability to enjoy what you do – and with it, the quality of your life – increases dramatically.

Eckhart Tolle

mindfulness means living your life more from simple direct awareness, rather than feelings and thoughts referring to past and future. it is also a powerful tool in emotion regulation, as the practitioner strives to develop a capacity for bare attention in increasingly difficult circumstance. when we practice mindfulness we are not only aware of our surroundings, but also of our thoughts and feelings relating to what is happening. this means that we are enabled to pause, check in, and identify what is happening. this, in turn, enables us to make more conscious decisions, rather than being driven by unconscious needs or defense mechanisms. the mind that has become deeply mindful is therefore practiced in processing information without being identified with it. i’m aware that i’m angry or that the other is angry, but not caught in my or their anger.

we are also more aware of the other as a separate distinct personality (as opposed to our own projection), and their way of expressing their emotions and needs. we become more sensitive in terms of listening, and develop qualities of acceptance, empathy, respect, and non-judgmentalness.

Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as:

the awareness that arises by paying attention, deliberately and purposefully, and non-judgmentally.

Jon Kabat-Zinn

based on this definition, it is clear that the practice is meant to have the following attributes:

rather than trying to “do” all the above, we can approach it with much more innocence, and much more curiosity. we can simply pay attention to what is happening right now. simply start noticing things. when you notice something without grasping (impulse) or pushing away (resistance) you are mindful of it.

so, what do you notice? anything, and everything. the movement of air against your skin, the connection between your feet and the earth, your thoughts, what appears in your listening world, and what appears in your visual world. and how you make sense of all of it. the space between your eyebrows (or your third eye), or the way stillness feels. the way your emotions change as your environment changes. the way your thought impact on or forms emotion. we are deliberately paying attention, and as mindfulness matures, we gradually expand the field of awareness (breath, senses, mental processes, interconnection).

if you were undergoing some complicated surgery, i’m sure you’d rather have the surgeon pay attention for the duration of the operation, and not only for five minutes of it. this illustrates why mindfulness as a five-minute practice may be a starting point, but not sufficient practice. if we are serious about this practice, we will bring it to all the places that form part of our daily experience. let’s look at some of the different applications of mindfulness.

mindful walking

take a walk at a relaxed pace. feel your body as it walks, and notice how it just knows what is needed in order to combine complicated muscle movements and balance. expand your attention into the sensations that you are experiencing. the movement of the body, air against your skin, colours or shapes that you are aware of (you don’t need to name them, but if it helps to ground the mind, you can). notice what happens in your thoughts and feelings in relation to what you are observing. when the mind wanders and you start thinking or ruminating (thoughts about future or past, or obsessive thought), simply come back to the senses and again bring your attention to sensing, including relating (feeling), and thought/emotion. we can start with attending to the breath, and when it feels stable, we can expand attention into the sensations of the feet touching the earth. then we can expand attention into the gaze (or visual field) and allow the seen natural world to touch us. feel what happens when you see the world from your heart.

because we’re so identified with our thoughts, it can be difficult to change this habit in the beginning. we may need an anchor. such an anchor provides us with something that focuses the mind and helps us to learn to keep the focus stable. for most people, this anchor will be the breath, as the breath can only happen in the now. in resting the attention on the breath and keeping it there, i enable myself to experience the flow of life moment to moment.

mindful focusing

much of our reactiveness (defensiveness) is a resistance to what is happening. we are trying to change things through our reaction, and this habit can become so ingrained and impulsive that we no longer know how to simply allow things to be as they are. mindful focusing is a practice that allows us to connect anew with this “allowing” or “accepting” space and learn to observe without struggling or resisting (this is also referred to as choiceless awareness). making time for daily focusing practice gives us the opportunity to bring deeper attention to our interior experience, since we are not talking or engaged in other activities while we are practicing. it is through this practice (which later becomes our meditation) that we notice more subtle features of our mental processes. it is also the best place to practice maintaining the focus and not being distracted by changing experience.

sit upright, comfortably. we want to be alert and relaxed. if you want to, close your eyes, or lower your gaze, and take a deep breath. notice the experience of breathing. you may notice the coolness of the air at the back of your nose or throat, or the sensation of ribs expanding as air enters your lungs. become aware of the diaphragm pushing into the lower abdomen with your in-breath, and the relaxation with your out-breath.

trace this breath movement with awareness, as it flows deeply into the body, and then expands outward into the space in front of you. just stay aware of the breathing pattern, noticing that other experiences are also taking place. you may be aware of thoughts like “this feels good,” or “i’m not doing this right.” when you notice a thought, simply say quietly to yourself “thought,” and continue being attentive of the cycle of your breathing. in the same way, when an emotion comes up, notice it and simply label it quietly as “emotion.” return to noticing the cycle of breathing. distracting sensations can be allowed by simply labelling “sensation,” “emotion,” “thought.” always return to noticing the sensations and soothing related to the breathing cycle. initially our practice is simply to be able to stay focused on the breath for as long as your practice lasts.

in this practice it is not necessary to hold on to any experience or remember anything. just notice, or label your experience, and let it go, keeping the attention on the sensation of breathing. if something feels painful, note the pain and remain open to the next experience that comes up. keep watching each experience, holding the attention on the breathing cycle and simply being aware of thoughts … sensations … emotions … feelings. imagine that everything arriving in your awareness is simply weather, whereas you are the sky within which all of it is happening. just passing weather … to note … label … let go. return every time to the stability of the “now” experience of breathing.

when you’ve read through the instructions slowly (more than one time), sit for another few minutes, open your eyes slowly, and return your attention to your surroundings. try and do this practice daily for a while until you are more skilled at it, and more comfortable with focusing on and witnessing inner experiences. as your skill increases you will find it easier to hold the focus on the object, and simultaneously expand your field of attention.

remember:

it’s like teaching a puppy how to walk. you don’t beat the puppy when she falls. you pick her up gently and start again.

Jack Kornfield

in the above section, you’ve also encountered the core principle of mindfulness. it has an object (in this case the breath), and it uses this object to focus the attention and learn how to remain with it. the simplest way of putting it would be to say: return to what is already there (breath, mindfulness object, conversation, etc.) and rest attentively, with clear awareness.” in the case of mindful focusing, we return attention to the experience of breathing and sensing. then, gradually, we expand our ability to stay focused and include more information. when our practice has become strong it is easier to maintain the attention in difficult situations.

mindfulness in interpersonal communication

eventually, we want to bring mindfulness into the interpersonal realm, as this is where we may learn most about our internal processes, and thereby enable ourselves to make changes where we want to. remind yourself to enter a situation with another with the bare attention or mindfulness that you are practicing. when we do this, we become willing to notice internal experience- especially painful thoughts and emotion (the ones we usually try to avoid)- and being truly present for it. begin with distinguishing between being entangled in thought-feeling (ruminating, planning, or subverbal communication) and the open spaciousness of mindful noticing.

being entangled in your thought/feeling (identification) may go like this: “Susan is so lazy and makes me so angry. she always does this when i ask her to do simple things. she is not a good friend, and...”

(if you are saying these words, you need to also be able to hear and notice the judgment (lazy), the cognitive distortion (always), and the projection and identification (not a good friend.)

the same process, mindfully experienced, would be something like: “i notice that i feel anger towards Susan, and that i have expectations of her that she may not want to fulfil. i notice that my thinking wants to call her names, and label this experience as something that happens without fail. i feel disappointed and have to give time to discerning whether i expect too much, or whether she may not fully understand or have different needs.”

(now you can hear that the person is aware of the relational processes in their own mind. they can spot where their dissatisfaction is triggered, and the mental processes which are part of their interpretation. you may also notice that empathy is already part of the practitioner’s being. rather than only focusing on their feelings, they also focus on the other’s feelings, and how such may contribute to the “unsatisfying” behavior.)

when we notice the difference between the two descriptions, it becomes clear that, with mindfulness, i’m aware of my thinking and feeling, and not necessarily acting from it (identification), but rather seeing it as information. i’m not reacting (speaking or acting out my unprocessed feeling-thinking) but rather trying to clarify my thinking and regulate my feelings. this usually leads to me being more clear about what i feel, and speaking with this clarity. or, it may result in asking about the other’s feelings, and thereby testing my assumptions, rather than believing that my view as the “right” or only one.

strengthening awareness like this slowly leads to being more present in our interactions with others, which also means that we’re taking in much more information. as this ability strengthens it is easier to notice our own thought and feeling processes, and at the same time expand our awareness into the others’ thoughts and emotions. presence during interaction is the most difficult practice, and also the most powerful. when we listen mindfully, we do not only hear and understand more, we also expand our capacity for empathy. we learn to feel with the other, rather than trying to fix things, and we learn how to feel with ourselves, rather than blame ourselves or others. we also learn to be more careful with our own emotions, and to recognize the strong ones as they appear. with the grounding of mindfulness, and the expanded awareness, we are more capable of holding strong emotions without being overwhelmed by them or identifying with them.

mindful listening and speaking

choose conversations where you want to observe the processes of listening and speaking. initially try to choose conversations that are not charged. later, you can take the practice into more difficult interactions and relationships. while the conversation is taking place, focus on:

we continually expand our ability to notice what is happening in the situation, and the way these people effect one another. your thoughts and feelings belong to you, and if you feel very emotional, they typically are reactions rather than facts. they are your experience, and true for you, but not necessarily for the other, or about the situation. the “facts” are more in what you are able to observe, and that is where we are putting our attention. you are also noticing how you interpret the other’s statements, and the fact that this is your interpretation, and not necessarily their intent.

try to choose a conversation for this practice each day. it does not have to be a long conversation, initially, just some time where you can observe the information that comes from your sensing, as separate from your own thoughts and feelings. knowing this difference can cause big shifts in how you respond.