Enneagram styles and conflict management

common triggers reactions best approach self-management
8 injustice • not dealing directly with issues • others not taking responsibility for their behaviour • being blindsided • another’s lack of truthfulness. feel surges of impulsive anger • sort information and feelings quickly • avoid feeling vulnerable or out of control, if possible • may withdraw • seek counsel of respected individuals • dismiss opinions they don’t respect. be direct • be honest • listen to the intensity of their feelings • act with certainty • avoid language they may perceive as blaming. "am i sharing my feelings of vulnerability and showing my softer side to both myself and others?"
9 disruption of peace and harmony • being told what to do • feeling ignored • rudeness in others • overt hostility • feeling taken advantage of • being confronted • not feeling supported. say nothing • facial tension may give indication of anger • may be unaware of own anger • may displace anger onto someone not involved • holding on to anger. ask about their anger in a kind and low-pressure manner • listen fully • affirm their anger • share alternative perspectives in a way that still validates their feelings. "am i taking a clear stand on issues and expressing my anger directly?"
1 being criticized • lack of follow-through • non-collaborative changes to a plan • feeling deceived. curt statements • accusations related to other issues • bodily rigidity • saying nothing. take a problem-solving approach • allow them time to think through their feelings • provide structure to the conversation • let the one talk first • use nonjudgmental language "am i listening with an open mind (nonjudgmentally) and heart (without cynicism)?"
2 being taken for granted • feeling unappreciated • not being heard. keep feelings in • intensely emotional • plan what they will say in advance, how they feel, why, and what they believe is wrong. let them talk extensively • ask clarifying questions • share your perspective • validate their perspective • discuss feelings and thoughts. "am i expressing my own needs directly?"
3 being put in a position of likely failure • not looking professional • blamed for the poor work of others • not receiving credit for work. defend with questions • unlikely to admit being upset • body language unlikely to give clues • tone becomes sharp and sentences clipped. be kind and clear • make sure there is no excessive work pressure • use rational tone, rather than emotional • take a problem-solving approach. "am i willing to disclose information that may not make me look good?"
4 being ignored or slighted • being asked to do something contrary to personal values • an event that elicits the 4’s envy. may speak bluntly • become overly quiet • experience multiple feelings simultaneously and intensely • analyze situation to understand • hold onto feelings. invite them to express their feelings • listen until they’re done • paraphrase their feelings, thoughts, and meaning - do not suggest that they’re overly sensitive • don’t accuse or blame. "am i displaying my objectivity and emotional balance?"
5 breaking confidences • being surprised • dishonesty • out-of-control situations • overwhelming tasks. say little • pull back, but may not show this outwardly • retain the experience mentally • may express outrage when continually provoked. let them know you want to talk and allow them to choose a time • give the initial discussion a clear time frame • allow them to share their feelings and thoughts first • maintain a rational approach • do not overwhelm with emotion. "am i expressing my feelings in the moment?"
6 pressure • lack of genuineness • lack of commitment • abusive authority. may withdraw • intensive analysis • may be highly reactive • projection of own thoughts, feelings, and motives. give them space when they want to withdraw • allow them to share completely • validate their perspective • be warm and genuine • repair trust. "am i differentiating between my projections and insights?"
7 boring and mundane tasks • feeling dismissed or not taken seriously • unjust criticism. avoid the situation by thinking or pleasurable alternatives • rationalize their own behaviour • blame others or situation. ask to talk with them • ask nonjudgmental, open-ended questions • allow them to fully express • draw out their reasoning • communicate your understanding of their feelings • be sincere, direct, and non-accusatory. "am i willing to deal with and stay focused on painful and difficult issues?"

adapted from Ginger Lapid-Bogda, Riso & Hudson.